Warning: Mushy Post

Now that I'm done with my emotional breakdown I can start blogging again. I know what happened doesn't seem that significant to some people, but getting pregnant is something that has consumed my life for the past two years.

Last night I was in the bathroom getting a bath ready for baby boy. He was playing with his new tugboat on the floor. I was looking in the mirror, stretching my face, pulling my eyes up, messing with my hair. I think we all have those days. Those days where we've been beaten down, and we look in the mirror and think, "shit, is this all I really have to work with anymore?" I was having one of those moments, silently in my head. Then, as if he could read my mind, baby boy looked up at me and said, "momma, you're beautiful."

I began to cry. I picked him up and he wrapped his arms around my neck as tight as he could. I just held him there, his head nestled into my neck, and I cried. He patted my back with his little hand and whispered, "it's okay mommy." This whole time I've been searching for that missing piece of my family, and have forgotten what a wonderful gift I've already been given. My heart is overflowing with love for this little person. This little person that I was pregnant with, that I did give birth to, that I do get to hold every single day.

So baby boy, this is for you. I love you more than I could ever put into words. And I'm sorry for not realizing that my life was complete already.

Suck it CVS

I'm going to sue CVS for mental anguish. Drs office just called and my blood test came back negative. How in the fuckety-fuck did my stupid CVS pregnancy test turn positive then? Huh, CVS?? I would bitch slap you if you weren't made of brick. I'm taking my retard ovaries home and am going to cry into a glass of wine now.

My Doctor's Office is Trying to Kill Me

So I'm waiting on this phone call from my Drs office. My fertility drs office to be exact. You see, it all started last night when I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. The line was incredibly faint, but two other people have verified that said line is indeed there, just so you don't think I'm crazy and shit. However, this morning when I took another one, there was no line. WTF is that about? After all the issues that I've had it's like a swift kick in the nuts. That's what it is.

So instead of running out and buying a hundred more tests, I decided to cut to the chase and call my fertility dr for a blood test. I went at 9am this morning. Yeah they got me in early. I may have sounded a little frantic, but that's neither here nor there. They were supposed to call me at 2pm with the results. As you can see it is now 2:45pm and I am on the verge of vomiting because I am so nervous. Why are they doing this to me????

IM convo between me and BFF:


Me... why haven't they called me
Me... I feel like I'm going to puke
BFF... i don't know
BFF... maybe you should call them
Me... like right before I lost my virginity
BFF... it's two forty
BFF... wow
Me... that's how I feel
Me... except less drunk
BFF... um this is totally a completely different situation
BFF... like comparing a roller coaster to a snail
Me... true, but both could have ended in pregnancy

I will update you all as soon as I hear something. Unless I die from sheer anticipation. Then I'll have BFF guest post for me.

My Birthday Weekend

As most of you probably don't know, (because I think this is the only place I didn't advertise daily that my birthday was coming up), my 29th birthday was Saturday. My parents came into town to help me celebrate, along with several friends. We grilled steaks, hung out out on the patio, and played catch phrase....the best game known to man. It was awesome. In fact, it was so awesome, I had two birthday cakes. Big daddy got me one and BFF got me one. I'm thinking they didn't collaborate with eachother beforehand. Both cakes** were chocolate so it was all good. here they are:

This one is from Big Daddy. He got one of my baby pics put on the cake...he is a pretty awesome hubby. This baker obviously failed Centering & Spacing: 101.

This one is from BFF. She came in all pissed off. Apparently she asked for dots and got roses. And the birthday phrase was all jumbled. I guess the baker was all, "it's my shop and I'll do whatever the fuck I want with Amber's cake."

I had clinicals on Saturday and took care of the rudest patient EVER. Oh, and he was a transvestite. I'm saving that story for tomorrow :)

**I'm guessing my anonymity is out the window now. Don't be stalking me or anything.

Because I Know You Love Pictures

Big daddy and I went to a concert a couple of weekends ago with BFF and BFF's boyfriend. I don't get out much since I'm so busy, but when I do get out I usually end up embarrassing my husband. Enjoy the pics!!

I seriously have no recollection of doing the booty-bump on my husbands crotch. I get very friendly when I've been drinking.

Waiting not so patiently for the concert to start...

Not getting cell phone reception. It really hindered my drunk dialing.



Yes, BFF, he does have a nice ass :)

Still no reception, and apparently this confuses me a great deal

I didn't get the memo to use "rock star tongue" in this picture

I looked at the pictures on the camera and was convinced that my head is "THIS BIG" compared to everyone elses

BFF, aka Little Miss OCD had to clean the table. She has issues.

Best friends for 24 years!

Wordless Wednesday

Pictures from the anniversary dinner :)

He always has trouble smiling in pictures. It's like that episode of Friends when Monica and Chandler go to get their engagement pictures done, and Chandler can't take a decent picture to save his life. That's pretty much what happens to BD.

Steamy cheese fondue!

You didn't think there would be a picture without wine, did you?

Six Years of Wedded Bliss

Big Daddy and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on Sunday. Yes, our wedding was the day after valentines day. Yes it was a stupid fucking idea. Yes it is impossible to get dinner reservations for our anniversary every year. And it is even more stupid because my birthday is the following week. So I pretty much fucked myself out of presents for the rest of my life.

Case in point:

We had dinner with my grandparents on Friday. When we were done, my gpa paid, and said "Happy valentines day....and anniversary....and birthday too!" Sweet.

I want to dedicate this post to my husband (who doesn't even read my blog, btw). He is a hopeless romantic who also happens to put up with my shit on a daily basis. He surprised me with impossible-to-get reservations to my favorite restaurant, the Melting Pot. But first, he bought me these:

Now I'm not a girly-girl at all, but I can surely appreciate a good pair of stilettos. And these.are.gorgeous! I tried them on and nearly had a shoegasm. What kind of man would know to buy his wife a pair of peep toe, black patent leather stilettos you ask? My man, that's who!

Now on to the Melting Pot. If you have never been there you have to go. Tonight. It is THAT GOOD. It's a fondue restaurant, which sounds kind of weird, but it is really, really good.

The first entree is a cheese fondue and they serve it with different types of bread and veggies and green apples (blech!). They have about thirty different kinds of cheeses to choose from and all sorts of stuff to mix in. YUM! The main course is the meat and veggies. They bring you out a huge platter full of raw meat. We had balsamic sirloin, shrimp, citrus chicken, pork tenderloin, and filet. You cook it in the broth type concoction of your choice. We like the red wine and mushroom one. The last course is the dessert. OH-MY-GOD. It's like an orgasm in a pot. They melt chocolate in the pot for you and add whatever ingredients you choose. One time we chose the smores one, and they added marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs to the melted chocolate. They serve it with bite sized brownies, pound cake, cheese cake, pirouette cookies, pretzels, and fruit. I could pretty much just eat that. And I would pretty much weigh 400 lbs.

After dinner we went home, uncorked a bottle of wine, and had romantic sexy time :) Ten years later he still makes me swoon!

Thank You Google

So my brain has basically been inundated with school work lately, AND nothing funny has happened to me. That's really hard to believe isn't it? What does that mean for you, my faithful blog readers? No new blogs :( So I said to myself this morning, "self, you are going to post a new blog today if it kills you!" Then I remembered google analytics, and how those kinds of posts are great if you are lacking funny blog fodder because they pretty much write the post for you. So here is installment #3 of Google and the Freaks That Use It: Google searches that led people to my blog...

1. Tattoo coming up the pants - if your tattoo is coming up your pants it may be time to lay off the acid.

2. Wee my pants - You had a baby recently, didn't you?

3. Nicknames that start with the letter P - If you are googling potential nicknames, then you probably aren't cool enough to have a nickname in the first place. Go back to your mom's basement and play world of warcraft.

4. Sassy pants doggie diaper - Paris Hilton, is that you?

5. Sassy pregnant smoker - There is nothing "sassy" about a pregnant smoker. Replace the word sassy with the word selfish, or self-centered.

6. Southern sassy pants - I guess that would have been me before I became a mom.

7. SPM tattoo - OMG, someone out there loves me sooo much that they want to get a tattoo honoring me? Or perhaps they were talking about another SPM? Like say, the rapper South Park Mexican:

8. Cuss word grandma kitchen spongebob - You obviously read my blog.

9. Grandma pants 2009 - I'm guessing they probably look something like this, but with more elastic:

10. Hurting with a dog knot - Put the vodka and the dog down.

11. Meaning of sassy pants - It means I am a sweet southern belle, but I also don't take shit from anyone, and will happily put you in your place if you are being rude and/or condescending to me. I developed this trait from working in corporate america.

12. Mommy pants slang - Hmmm, I'm not sure if I have my own slang. I say stuff like buggy, wash rag, and washing powder. BD still makes fun of me about that. And he still laughs every.damn.time I say "can you cut the light off?"

13. Slim fast and lean cuisine diet - I don't recommend it. You'll just end up pissed off and still fat.

14. Dirty mommy cartoons - Wrong on so many levels.

15. Grandma got a tattoo - Yes she did.

16. Bow and arrow husband texas - I don't even know how to use a bow and arrow. Do you hear that cops-that-may-interrogate-me-someday?

17. Cartoon kids in big boy pants - I'm pretty sure most cartoon characters wear big boy pants and not diapers. You may want to try a different potty training method. "A" for effort though.

Wordless Wednesday - a day late

Yeah, that pretty much sums up our marriage....

A New Addition!!

BD's sister recently found out she is expecting her first baby. I was a little sad at first, and a tad bit jealous because they had only been trying for a couple of months. We've been trying for our second baby for about two years now, and I've dubbed myself Princess Stupid Ovaries.

Anhow, after I got over being bitter betty I started being over the moon excited that we were going to have a new addition in our family! Well, she went in for her first ultrasound yesterday and this is what they found:

TWINS!!! I'm going to be an aunt times two! I'm so freaking excited! The mother-to-be is in an obvious state of shock, but she'll get used to the idea soon. What a great day!

From the Mouths of Babes II

I worked two 12 hour shifts this weekend at the hospital, and had to come back to my real job today. Needless to say, I'm freaking exhausted. When I got home last night my feet were swollen. I'm pretty sure my body is going to give out on me any day now. Anyhow, here are three things that my 3 year old son said to me within the span of an hour last night.

I got home around 7:30pm and BD was making dinner (YAY!). I asked BB about his day and we chatted a little bit. Then he looks at me and says "Mommy, you look like you have a baby in your tummy!" BD had to leave the room because he was laughing so hard. Lucky for him he did leave the room. I just sighed and said "that because mommy is wearing scrubs!!"

After dinner I was sitting on the couch with BB in my lap. I needed some snuggle time after being gone all weekend. He pulls my scrub shirt down and looks in and says "if your boobs run out of air, you will have to go to the boob factory to get them fixed." I said "mommy's boobs don't have air in them." He tilted his head and said, "yes they do, that's why they look like balloons."

THEN we were watching the freak show that was the grammys and Katy Perry came on singing "I Kissed a Girl". So BB looks at me and says, "Mommy, I wish you had a girl to kiss!" Awesome.

Brought to You by the Letter P...

I got my letter from the coolest military chick I know, Calicobebop.

Here’s how it works...You leave a comment (asking for a letter) on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

1. Pajamas - I change into my pajama pants as soon as I get home from work. I can't wait until I'm a nurse full time and can wear scrubs to work.

2. Peaches - there is nothing like a ripe, juicy southern peach on a warm summer day.

3. Puppies - I have two boxers and have had them since they were both six weeks old. They are like my fur children.

4. People - I love being around people. We are constantly having friends over for dinner. I just love surrounding myself with people that I love! It makes my house feel all homey and stuff.

5. Pickles - the refrigerated Claussen kind is my favorite. I went down to the deli next to my office the other day and got a container of 10 pickles. And yes, I ate all of them. I paid for it later that night.

6. Pregnancy - I loved being pregnant, even though I was deathly ill for almost 6 entire months. I loved feeling baby boy move and wiggle. I loved the way he would respond to his daddy's voice and certain songs. I miss it.

7. Pimples - not on my face, but on other people. I like to pop them. Gross, I know, but it is a freakish addiction. Same goes with bed sores at the hospital. The deeper the better.

8. Pots and Pans - cause I love to cook! I got an awesome set of calphalon cookware for my wedding and have put them to good use! See #4.

9. Puddin' Pie - one of my many cheesy nicknames for baby boy. What? You didn't think I could make a list of things I love without mentioning him, did you?

10. Perseverance - Mine, that is. I never take stuff lying down. If something in my life sucks, I do whatever I can to change it. If something in school is hard, I study more. If something at work isn't going my way, I do something about it. My perseverance hasn't failed me yet!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm....

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been super busy with hospital shit. I switched hospitals and had to go through computer training and orientation. Both of which lasted and entire fucking day. And what does that mean? It means I had to take TWO days of precious vacation to attend these.

This will be short post because, as you can imagine, I have a lot of work to catch up on today.

Anyhoo, so I pull into the parking lot of the training building at 7am yesterday. I was groggy and hadn't had coffee yet, so I had to look at these signs several times. First I saw this sign laying on the ground, kind of propped up against the back of the shopping center:



Then I look up and to the right and this sign is hanging on the back of the shopping center:



Does anyone else find the humor in this? Did the barber shop thing just not work out? Did they think taking care of old and mentally impaired people would be easier? Do they cut their hair too? I have so many questions.