Thursday, April 30, 2009

This is what happens when it rains in houston for one day

So I got a call from baby boy's preschool around 1pm on tuesday. They said, "you may want to come get your child because the roads are becoming inaccessible." Okay, I thought. I'm just glad they called before it got too bad. Or so I thought.

These pictures are not in order so just roll with it. When I pulled onto the street that the school was on I knew there was no way in hell my car would make it down the road. Because it was COVERED in water. I actually had to call BD to come in his truck. Meanwhile, parents are pulling up and we are all wondering how we are going to get our kids out. I called the school to see what we were supposed to do. All I got was a "uh, we aren't really sure." Great. After about a half hour the dads said screw it... they rolled up their pants and started wading through the flood water to get our children.

BD coming out with baby boy and a classmate. Another dad going in...he was smart enough to get swim trunks on first.

The kids, not really sure what to think of all this water.

Dad's coming out with their kids.

Dad going in...

Thank God for all the dads or the kids might still be there

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So I was holding this penis last night....

I had lab twice this week. That means I left the house at 7am and didn't get home until 9pm. Twice. Plus I have a cold. Needless to say I've been really cranky. Which brings us to our story...

We learn how to do our nursing skills in lab. Stuff like IV's, drawing blood, dispensing get the idea. Last nights lab was on inserting foley catheters. I'll give you a second to google that.

You back? Looks pleasant doesn't it? It's actually a lot harder of a procedure than you might think. You don't just jab that tube up there all nimbly bimbly like. You have to have a sterile field during the whole procedure which is really complicated for a newbie like myself. So my professor is explaining the procedure and we have one sterile hand and one hand with which we hold the penis. The very life like mannequin's penis. And if we let our hand slip off of the penis to do something else she would yell at us. And she is a very large woman, so I had the penis in a death grip.

So I'm holding the penis in one hand and the foley in another, and she's going on and on about procedure. Then she gets interrupted by someone and they are carrying on this conversation about something completely irrelevant to what we are doing. And I'm all, "Helloooo, I'm still holding this guys dick!" Which is apparently pretty unprofessional, but I wasn't about to get yelled at again for breaking my sterile field. So my prof is like, "Amber! Would you say dick in front of your patient?" And I said, "well I'm pretty sure he'll be using more colorful language than that if I'm shoving this tube up his pisser." Then she rolled her eyes at me and told me I might want to consder working in the morgue. You know, because people are already dead there and I can say dick and pisser all I want and they won't know the difference.

Anyhow, I finally got the foley in that poor little mannequin. We were both traumatized and ashamed by the time it was over. I had a dick imprint on my hand for a good half hour after the whole debacle. Try explaining that to your husband.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The List

I have nothing interesting to blog about so I'm stealing this idea from BFF, who stole it from samsmama. I'm nothing if not original. I am going to do a list of ten random things from my past that I've done...with one thing listed that I didn't do. See if you can figure out which one it is!

1. I have been banned for life from the Isle of Capri casino in Louisiana.

2. I have tried to run from the cops on foot, and got caught because I was wearing stilettos and running on gravel.

3. I asked where the homecoming game was going to be my junior year of high school.

4. I've been slipped a roofie in a bar, then was pulled over by a cop on my way home because he thought I was drunk. Good times.

5. I used to pour half of my parents liquor out and replace it with water. They never knew the difference.

6. I have gone to bail my dad out of jail, and he didn't even recognize me as his daughter. He thought I was an attorney. That's a great feeling.

7. One time I took ecstasy in college and did a line dance with the wall. High kicks and all.

8. I bought my first house at the age of 23.

9. BB was born at home with the assistance of a midwife.

10. I have been in college for 10 consecutive years.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

More Easter Pics!

Guess Who Shit in the Yard Again

I guess we didn't quite get our point across the first time it happened. You know, the first time we explained that the backyard is not a toilet. Except for the dogs. Which I guess was pretty confusing for the little dude. I didn't see the actual deed, I just heard BB go "ewwww, mom, buster is eating my poop!!" **GAG** So not only did he shit in the yard, but the dog ate it. How disgusting is this scenario? And where the fuck is this chapter in my parenting book?

Note to self: don't let buster lick my face anymore.

So then yesterday I pick him up from pre-school and notice he had on his in-case-of-emergency clothes. I said, "did we have an accident today?" He twisted his little mouth and said, "yes I did." As I always do, I asked "well what happened?" He looked at me like I was a moron and matter of factly said, "I pissed my pants."

I have a feeling the teen years are going to be super.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I still have a job!

I did not get fired yesterday, as evidenced by the time of this blog posting. Like I would be up at 7am if I was un-employed! My 3 year old doesn't even get up until 8:30 on the weekends. He takes after his mama.

Anyway, she used the whole "I'm very disappointed in you" line. Then she said I didn't apologize fast enough or profusely enough to her satisfaction? I don't even know what that means but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with culture. Every time she does something to piss me off I just blame it on the culture differences and move on. I save a lot of time that way.

So I pretty much just got a stern talking to, which is a lot less than I would have done to someone if they got me deported from Russia!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm probably getting fired today

We all make mistakes at work. Some are big, some are small, and a small few are so grande that you are absolutely sure you will packing up your office the next day. Of course, my mistake was the latter.

You see, I'm an assistant for a very demanding middle eastern woman. She has an incredibly busy schedule and travels most of the year. I have to plan all these trips down to the smallest detail. That might not seem hard, but when I'm planning a trip that has 15 legs to it and visas for 4 different countries (I shit you not, that happened last month), it can get a bit confusing.

It all started last week when she decided she needed to go to Russia...very last minute, as always. I'm known for being able to get a visa for any country in superhuman time. What they don't know is that I have connections and am not above bribing people with food :)

So I sent in her application and had her Russian visa in my hands in three days. That is almost unheard of because it usually takes 4 weeks. I was very proud of myself for getting it all together in such a hurry. Fast forward to Saturday. I get a text message from her saying this - "I'm being deported from Russia, you put the wrong entry date on my visa. I have no words to describe this." You know that feeling when your stomach falls out of your ass? Yeah, that's what happened to me times ten. I was in a sheer panic. There was nothing I could do. So she was on a plane for 35 hours for nothing. Needless to say, she's a little bit pissed at me. Actually she's avoiding me like the plague, which is almost worse than being yelled at.

So far I haven't been fired. And people are assuring me that it isn't the first time it's happened. We'll see.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

More Waiting...

Tuesday egg count - 40. F-O-R-T-Y!!!

This is a picture of an ovary with 8 eggs. I have twenty in each ovary. Each one is approximately the size of a baseball.
It's like a party down there. And just in time for Easter!

My doctor called and said he was cancelling my IUI because "there is a very real possibility that you could get pregnant with a dozen babies."

I'm pretty bummed that all that money is wasted and all those frickin shots I had to take were for nothing, but I have no problem cancelling. I'm not a dog, and I do not want a litter of children fo sho.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Ovaries Don't Appreciate Smack Talk

Dear Right Ovary,

I know I called you a lazy bitch, and for that, I apologize. I honestly didn't think you would hear me, since your down there being dormant and all, not doing your job....or so I thought. You should have seen the look on my face when the nurse rolled the ultrasound wand over you today and counted TWENTY FOUR fucking eggs. What am I, a gumball machine? One, maybe even two would have been nice, but noooo, you had to prove your point. I get it, you aren't lazy. Now can you back the hell off the egg production? I will not be the next octo-mom! If I have to cancel this cycle because you were offended by the lazy bitch comment, there will be hell to pay, right ovary. I would sleep with one eye open if I were you, over achiever.

Your sore and very bloated host body

The Most Un-Romantic Way to Procreate

As you know by now big daddy and I are on the C team of reproduction. It took two years and lots (and lots and lots) of money to get pregnant with baby boy. I actually considered naming him Cash. So here we are, several years later. No baby number two in sight. Lots (and lots and lots) of money basically flushed down the toilet trying to give baby boy a sibling. We are in the midst of our last hoo-rah, if you will. This is the last cycle we are going to throw cash at the fertility doctor.

We had a bit of luck with this cycle. The dr asked if we would like to be in a study. After he explained that study = save a shit-ton of money, we enthusiastically agreed. I left the office with $6,000 worth of fertility drugs in a bag, praying to God I wouldn't get robbed by a crazy infertile that had been staking the clinic out.

I've been giving myself shots in the belly for 7 days now. Tonight I start the study drug, so that means I'll get two shots in the belly every night. BD was doing it but I finally worked up the nerve to do it myself. And frankly, it hurts a hell of a lot less when I do it. He held the needle like it was the shower scene in Psycho. Side note - I hope the study drug doesn't make me grow a third boob or something.

I go every couple of days for an ultrasound and bloodwork - at $300 a pop. My left ovary is producing some nice follicles, whereas my right ovary is just plain fucking lazy. (I don't even know why I give that bitch a place to stay anymore.) When my follicles get big enough I will take yet another shot to make me ovulate, and then we will do intra-uterine insemination with BD's best swimmers. He doesn't even have to be present when the doctor knocks me up. He romances the cup, I keep it warm in my cleavage until I get to the office, and then the doctor inseminates me. Your totally jealous aren't you?

So send me some good positive we-totally-hope-the-dr-gets-you-pregnant thoughts!!