Monday, October 10, 2011

Road Trip

We recently took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine, TX. It was a super fun time for all. Being on the road for 4 hours with two little ones, plus moi, equals a texas sized headache for big daddy!

Here are a few nuggets of conversations from that little trip...

Me - "I really have to pee"
BD - "then perhaps you should stop inhaling the pinot"
Me - "I'm on vacation. Plus you really need to stop, you know I have a weak bladder!! **nods head conspiratorily toward the back seat and whispers** Just look how big their heads are! They did a lot of damage I'm telling you!"
BD - "You're gonna have to use the cup"
Me - *GASP* "This is my WINE CUP. It would be seriously trashy to drink straight from the bottle. We're not in college anymore!"
Him - "..." (probably wondering why he married me in the first place)

Later that evening....

I had just done the mom thing and cleaned the kids faces and hands with my handy dandy econo pack of wet wipes before we ate our super yummy DQ fast food. Blech.

Him - "what's that smell?"
Me - "I just cleaned the kids faces and hands"
Him - "with what, a gallon of clorox?"
Me - *checking package* "No, they're wet wi.....MOTHERFUCKER! This is an econo pack of CLOROX WIPES!!"
Him - "maybe you should've stopped at 4 glasses of wine"
Me - "maybe you should shut the fuck up and eat your damn hunger buster!"

I fail at parenting.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Batshit Crazy, Party of One

When you work in a hospital you, obviously, deal with the public. You are bound to run across a few crazies when you are in my line of work. On my last shift I had one particular crazy that has stood out among the others.

When trying to insert an IV, because he had pulled out the last one, he proceeded to show me which way I should twist his arm and which vein I should use because "that's the one I use to shoot up my drugs." Allllrighty then. The conversation went a little something like this....

"Sir, I'm going to need you to sit still while I put in this IV"

"LOOK! Twist the skin like this here, that way you can reach this big vein over here!"

"It looks like this vein over here is a better choice"

After several attempts and misses because of him jerking his arm away, he then tries to snatch the needle out of my hand.

"Give me that goddamn needle and I'll show you how to do it! I've done this going 90 down the freeway!"

To which I reply, "SLOW YOUR ROLL DUDE!" I figure speaking in his language is my best bet at this point. I'm also thinking if this motherfucker stabs me with his hepatitis c infected needle I'm going to judo chop his adam's apple.

I finally got someone else to do it because he was pissing me off and I wasn't in the mood to contract a disease that day.

Later that night, he called 911.

From his hospital room.

He claimed I was trying to kill him by withholding pain medication. Medication that wasn't due for another two hours. But I guess when you shoot up meth every day, morphine doesn't really do it for you anymore.

He asked me to give them the address. Seriously. The kicker though? They sent an ambulance. Where the fuck he thought they were going to take him was beyond me. Two floors down to the ER?

The straw that broke the camels back though was when I went in to give him his meds and he was but ass naked yanking on his weiner. He then proceeded to ask me how he was supposed to jack off with a catheter in. Cue me rolling my eyes and walking the fuck out to get a psych consult.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

And that's how it happened

So, I know you've all been patiently waiting by your computers to hear the sad tale of how I landed my first nursing job. (Psh, who am I kidding? I clearly lost all my followers during my 6 month haiatus) I digress....

I saw an ad in the paper for a job fair at one of the amazing hospitals near my home. I wanted to work there from the time I was in nursing school. I was due to return back to satan's lair from maternity leave and this was pretty much my last ditch effort to get a job in my field. It had been 9 looong months of looking and I was ready to give up and resign myself to being an overeducated office peon for the rest of my life.

So I get my little resume and go to the job fair. I sit and wait patiently while covertly scrutinizing the competition. Finally my name was called. She asked to see my resume. She looks over it, nodding her head and pursing her lips like she just ate a lemon from the garbage.

I'm teetering nervously on the edge of my seat hoping beyond hope that she's impressed. She looks up and fans my resume at me and says "You have no experience." It was a statement, not a question.

So I begin to explain how no, I don't have experience because I can't find a motherfucking job. Maybe not in so many words. She then proceeds to give me the whole "you should apply for an internship" bullshit. Let me just tell you about internships. There are like 2 spots per hospital per year. I've applied to like a bajillion internships. They are pretty much impossible to get.

Lemon face got up from her seat and moved on to her next victim, effectively dismissing me.

I, being the emotional bitch that I am, go to the bathroom and cry for a good ten minutes. I cry for all the hard work I did, I cry for all the money I spent, and I cry because I'm starting to realize that hospitals are just like corporate america.

I clean my face up as best I can and open the door and literally run into a woman. She puts her arm around me and asks if I'm okay. I ask her if it's true that I will never get a job unless I get one of the coveted internships. I'm trying to hold snot and tears at back during this whole schpiel.

She purses her lips and thinks for a minute. (What is with all the fucking lip pursing around this place?) She quietly whispers back and forth with another lip purser in the corner, comes back and says she'd like to interview me.

Then I charmed the pants off of her and the rest is history. Moral of the story....don't think I'm ever above crying to get a job.

Friday, October 22, 2010

So apparently I'm a big fat liar.

Okay, so I know I promised all of you that I would not stay gone for another 6 months. Apparently I'm a liar. I wouldn't trust anything I say.

What has kept me away from you guys, you ask? Well why don't I show you?

Isn't the the cutest smooshiest faced baby you've ever seen? (Except for your own, of course.) Yes, he was born. Yes he is amazing. Yes my chach still hurts when I think about pushing that 9 pounds of precious out.

You know what I forgot though? How much babies suck ass the first couple of months. Hellloooo post partum depression! Nice to see you again, it had been 5 long years! Glad your ass is gone now too.

Seriously, it was like at the three month mark he became a different child. Now he's actually pretty fun. He even smiles at me. **cue melting heart**.

I also got a job as a nurse! FINALLY. OMG that whole "you'll have a job by the time you graduate" was bullshit. It took me nine very long months to find one. And the way I landed a job is actually pretty hysterical and/or extremely embarrassing. However you want to look at it. That is a story for another day. I promise I will tell soon though.

Just wanted to write a quick post to let you guys know....I'M BACK BITCHES!!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I think my 4 year old is onto me....

The other day I was driving home with baby boy in the backseat. We were giggling and acting silly, as usual. Then he says, "whatever, sassy pants!" I was like WHA?! No one has ever referred to me as Sassy Pants, except in my safe haven of bloggy land. The only logical explanation is that he is so onto me and my super secret blog! He probably reads my blog every morning while sipping his latte and discussing the national debt crisis with his classmates. I knew that damn pre-school was too hoity toity. Teaching kids to use computers and shit. When I was 4 I was making mud pies and trying to survive on fudge rounds and kool aid. Granted, my son and I have had very different childhoods, but that's neither here nor there.

(OMG - side note, I just heard a co-worker say "movers in the house...holla atcha girl"...I shit you not. Hi, were totally professional and work at the worlds largest oil company.) moving right along....

So now I have a problem. What if he tries to blackmail me? What if he's all..."mom, 3 more cookies and I'll keep your little secret. For now." I can't handle that kind of stress. Maybe I should have sent him to that pre-school that was $20 a week, and the playground consisted of a rope and an old tractor tire. Nooo, I had to choose the one that was "safe" and "clean" and where the teachers are "educated" and tuition costs more than my mortgage every month.

Just look at this face...looks like he's just waiting for the right opportunity to pounce with this new information. Little deviant.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

6 months is just unacceptable

First, an apology. Someone should call BPS on me. You know, like CPS (child protective services), except for blogs? I can't believe I left my people hanging for SIX MONTHS. I fully expect to be tarred and feathered. I'm sorry for neglecting the blog for so long. I've been kinda busy. You know, making a human and all.

Now that we're past all that awkwardness, what have I been up to? Well...

*I graduated from nursing school and passed my state boards. SassyPants Mommy, RN thankyouverymuch. Although I am not working as an RN right now because I got pregnant right before graduation and clearly God has a sense of humor because I'm still stuck at this shit hole job until this kid falls out.

*I was put on bedrest 6 weeks ago due to placenta previa. I just got taken off this week. Today is my first day back to said job. While I am happy to be among actual humans again, it seems that my hormones may be running a little rampant. Case in point:

This morning I dropped baby boy off at preschool. I was getting him set up in the cafeteria with his breakfast. I turned to get my keys and water bottle off of the counter and it was gone. Cue crazy parched pregnancy hormones. "Who took my water?" The teachers looked at me and shrugged. "I need my water! It was right here, who took it?!" One of the teachers mentioned she saw another teacher grab it and walk to her class. Oh, hellll no. I proceeded to argue with said teacher, clearly appalled that she would so blatantly steal someones water. A pregnant woman no less! She wisely relented after a 10 minute argument and gave me back my damn water. I walked out to my car, proud of the fact that I didn't let someone take advantage of me. I set the water down in the cup holder, only to see MY water bottle already sitting there. Hi, I'm an asshole and intimidated a pre-school teacher into giving up her legitimate water bottle. Proudest moment ever.

*I fell down my entire flight of stairs and cracked my tail bone the week after I was put on bedrest. No one ever accused me of being graceful. And having to take a pillow to a restaurant was super fun and not embarrassing at all.

*I am currently 32 weeks pregnant. That sounds like a lot, until you realize I have 8 weeks to go until my due date. 8 WEEKS. Do you know how long that is? Foreeeeevvvveeeeerrrrr.

*While I am happy and blessed that we are finally having another child, I can't help but say....this pregnancy has SUCKED BALLS. Heartburn that rivals that of the recent volcano eruption? Check! Displaced pelvis? Check! 36H boobs that leak at the most inopportune times? Check! Cracked tailbone? Check! Back pain from carrying around said boobs and linebacker fetus? Check! Peeing every 5 fucking minutes? Check! More proof that God has a sense of humor? Making the uterus rest on top of the bladder. HAHA big guy. HAHA.

In regards to peeing, sometimes I wonder if it's even worth my time getting off the couch to go to the bathroom while I contemplate exactly how absorbent this pad that I'm wearing is. That's what it's come to people. I've also developed quite a talent for picking things up with my toes. And also, did you know that a can of Pringles does NOT equal a serving? I know, I was shocked too!

Also, I've been on "pelvic rest" (read: no sex) for like 8 weeks now. I'm pretty sure I've developed a horrible case of TMJ and will need to have jaw therapy when all is said and done.
I guess that's all for now. I have to pee. Again. I will leave you with this...