Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

I hope you all have a safe and happy New Year's Eve!!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Post Christmas Post..hehe

Hello there doogs, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! We certainly did. BB hit the motherload as far as gifts are concerned. I thought I would give you a little taste of our Christmas by doing a picture post...Enjoy!

This is what I opened with frantic anticipation from BD. No, I'm not kidding. He probably wishes I were kidding right about now though. That's the last time he will give me anything in a box that says "as seen on TV".

Ahhh, but my mother in law's gifts make up for it....
I had no idea how shitty my camera was until I actually got a nice one! My old camera was 4.0 megapixels, and this one is 10. That's SIX more megapixels for those of you that didn't major in math.
Yeah, she's pretty awesome, don't be jealous.
I just like this picture. It's our oldest boxer, Tyson, on Christmas morning. I was eating a cookie*, cuz I'm healthy like that, and he really wanted one. It looks like he's praying.

Tree at in-law's house, with the presents creeping towards the kitchen....

Santa, that fat bastard, got the credit for the most awesome toy evah...

Yeah, he loved it. I think he even squealed like a little girl at one point.

Ahh, now I bring you to Kota the Triceratops. What.the.fuck. This big ass dinosaur is now sitting in the middle of my living room. And if you walk by it, it kind of growls at you. Like it's cat calling me. Like I really needed another pervert living at my house.

So that about sums up our Christmas morning. Which reminds me, I hate the time right after Christmas, it's very anti-climactic an depressing. Tell me the best part about your Christmas morning to cheer me up :)

*(I was drinking mimosa's too, what about it?)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Tuesday Meme

I stole this from Matter of Fact Mommy, because she is my long lost sister and I want to be just like her.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Injected fertility drugs into my belly for 14 days straight (I may blog about it later...I haven't yet because I really try not to depress my readers!)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any on purpose last year...this year is to quit smoking!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one close to me. I need some new babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My sweet grandmother

5. What countries did you visit?
Yeah, like I have the money to visit other countries

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A new addition to the family

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 1 - the day my gma passed away

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting accepted into nursing school. That shit is hard yo.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not sticking to my workouts and diet

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Kidney stones 4 times. OMG. DAMN ALL THE KIDNEY STONES!!!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought BD's new truck this year and I love it!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
BB's....he is finally potty trained. Hallelujah!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage and pre-school

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I'm gonna go with getting into nursing school again. Took me two years!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Whatever You Like" - I have very small ghetto side.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my in-laws, BD and BB

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I was already in love :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Gray's Anatomy hands down

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope, no time for hate in my life

24. What was the best book you read?
"Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" - by Chelsea Handler

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jack Johnson - I could listen to him all day

26. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get into nursing school.

27. What did you want and not get?
A sibling for BB

28. What was your favorite film that you saw this year?
Baby Mama

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I honestly have no idea what I did on my bday this year. 28

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my ovaries weren't so fucking retarded

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I have zero fashion concept. If you ever see me looking fashionable, BFF probably dressed me

32. What kept you sane?
BFF for sure

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I am absolutely fascinated with Angelina Jolie and her 17 kids

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
"Re-distribution of wealth"

35. Who did you miss?
My gma

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Susan and Shellie in nursing school.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Everything happens for a reason. I know it sounds very cliche', but it is very true.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You got me?!

Tuesday Morning in the SPM Household....

BB is staying with my gma. We left him there when we came back from visiting. I think he likes it better there than he does at home. I'm just telling you this so you don't assume he was witness to what happened in my bathroom this morning.

BD was in the shower, singing christmas songs at the top of his lungs.

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose...."
"Rudolph with your nose so bright won't you drive my sleigh tonight"

Then in the best Joe Pesci voice he can muster:

"Pull your own fucking sleigh santa! Suck my red nose!"

I look through the shower door in bewilderment and tilt my head to the side.

He said, "that was the mafia version."

Oh, right, the mafia version. Duh.

And then after he got out of the shower he smelled my armpits because I couldn't remember if I put on deodorant. We're weird.

Monday, December 22, 2008

At Least I Get it Honest

It is 32 degrees here in H-town today. I'm freezing my nuts off. If I had aforementioned nuts, they would have been dropped in the parking garage this morning. Or up in my throat. So last night I was all excited about the impending weather change while I was watching the weather with BD. He said "don't get too excited, it's supposed to be 75 on Christmas day." Son of a bitch! Can we get ONE Christmas where everyone is not wearing shorts? Just ONE?!

1. We had Christmas with my parents and grandparents this weekend. It was awesome. I love hanging out with my family and always come back with good stories. Stories that some how involved alcohol. See you guys, if I didn't come from a family of alcoholics, I would have nothing to blog about. Then what would you do all day? You're welcome.

Last time we were in town over Thanksgiving break, my dad got really drunk, which is totally normal. My parents have an L shaped countertop in their kitchen, and BD and I were sitting on barstools eating dinner there. Dad came in from outside, lost his balance, and was walking the perimeter of the counter. The only thing holding his ass up was the counter because he was walking at an angle. Can you guess what happened next? Yeah, he ran out of counter. He was still walking with his gangsta lean and when he ran out of the support of a countertop, he fell flat on his face. Good times. BD and I never missed a beat, we just kept eating like this was a completely normal scenario. I think I managed to mutter a "you okay dad?" between the laughter. If I don't laugh I'll cry people!

2. After much cajoling I've convinced BFF to start a blog because her life is just as, if not more, funny than mine. Go check her out here. Single mom of a five year old drama queen. Funny stuff.

3. It's that time of year again...time to make resolutions! I hate resolutions. Loathe them, actually. However, this year I'm making a very important one. As most of you know I've been doing my clinicals in the critical care unit. Most of the patients I take care of have been smokers. To see the effects of smoking first hand is terrifying. I've always known smoking was bad for you, but to actually see the damage it does to a person has shaken me to the core. I have a beautiful son that is my world and I want to be around to enjoy my grandchildren. So, my resolution is to stop smoking. I'm terrified and nervous and pray every day that I will be strong enough to succeed. But lucky for you it should make for a lot of interesting blog fodder :)

So what are some of you resolutions? Hopefully we can encourage eachother!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Let's Reminisce

I want to start this post by saying that we really aren't a bunch of raging alcoholics, even though it seems that way sometimes. We do enjoy drinking and sometimes we don't know when to call it a night, and that's when funny shit happens.

Let me tell you about last Christmas. We spent it at my in-laws house and on Christmas eve we have a tradition of making a ton of hoers d oeuvres (no fucking clue if I spelled that right), wrap presents, watch a christmas story, and drink. The ladies stuck to wine, but I'm pretty sure the guys were pounding whiskey.

My father in law flips houses and he had one down the street that hadn't sold yet, so we called that the Santa Staging Area (SSA). That is where we kept all the presents that were from santa so the kids wouldn't see them. The plan was for BD, bro-in-law and father-in-law (FIL) to go get the gifts after the kids were asleep. They were supposed to be wrapped and ready to go. Oops.

So around midnight the guys head over to the SSA and they are gone a really long time. I was fully convinced that they had been cuffed and stuffed on christmas eve for drunk driving. Just then they came in the front door with some of the gifts. BD didn't look so good. I asked wtf took them so long. FIL said one of the 'elves' was busy puking in the front yard of the SSA so it took them a little longer. Awesome. So I sent BD's drunk ass to bed and finished helping with the gifts. The more gifts I put out the more I started to notice how weird they looked. Some were half wrapped, some had the paper on backwards, some had tape wrapped around them about 8 times in one continuous circle. That's when I realized we forgot to go wrap them and the drunk elves had to do it themselves. I didn't even think about the name tags that night.

The real hilarity ensued the next morning. My two year old son opened a screwdriver set. I opened a pair of size 12 cole haan mens dress shoes. BD got a fuzzy robe. Apparently they wrappped all of the gifts and the name tags were an after thought. They completely guessed as to which gift went to who. Since then whiskey has been banned from Christmas eve festivities.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Fought the Wine and the Wine Won

So last night pinot grigio was all "put the bottle down, I'll still be here tomorrow." And I'm all, "no pinot grigio, I love you!" Then I woke up with a massive headache. Or hangover. Depending on how you look at it.

Big daddy and baby boy are sick. Tis the season I guess. And that usually happens when you get snow one day, and 78 degree weather the next. Gotta love Texas!

Last weekend we took baby boy to the hockey game. He loves watching sports and he's only three. He is definitely going to be a sports fanatic like his daddy. One thing he does not love is taking pictures.

Exhibit A:

At least he's looking in the direction of the camera this time....

I guess his little hands weren't doing the job fast enough:

"Seriously Mom, enough with the damn camera"

BD has this theory that I'm a complete bad luck charm. He won't even let me gamble near him when we go to Vegas because he always starts losing. He sends me over to the penny slots in the corner of the casino with the rest of the derelicts. The one time I was left to my own devices I thought, "I'll show his ass and win lots of money at the craps table!" I lost $240 in 10 minutes and wasn't allowed to have any more money for the rest of the trip.
So his theory was pretty much proven at the hockey game. I needed to go to the restroom and grab another beer. When I left my seat the game was tied 1-1. When I got back we were winning 6-1. What the fuck?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Holy Weather Change Batman!!

Tuesday here in Houston it was 75 degrees and humid. Wednesday? Wednesday it snowed for the first time in, oh, a decade! We were sent home early from work, and later that night I could hear all the neighbors outside. The kids were playing and the adults were just amazed. I'm sure the yankees are laughing right about now.

And look, the snow actually stuck to the ground!

He kept eating it. He said it tasted like "cold icee cubes."

Our snowman. We made his eyes out of skittles and his nose was a toothpick because us southern folks aren't equipped for snowman construction like you northerners.

Making snowballs together....

Everyone seems to be in a good mood today. It's amazing what a little snow in Texas can do!

PS - There were about 100 wrecks on the freeways this morning. No big surprise there.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stuff Your Mom Should Tell You

So there is a dirty little secret about having kids that your mom (and friends, thanks assholes) never tells you about when you get pregnant. In retrospect, it should have been obvious. I mean that sweet little 7 pound blob did spend 9 months residing on your bladder. Then you have to push and shove and grunt and groan it out...over your bladder. Are we seeing a pattern here? Yeah.

The first sign of my trouble was about an hour or so after I had given birth to baby boy. I wanted to take a shower and stood up and felt something running down my leg. I looked down and realized it was pee. Nice. I looked at the nurse and said, "um, I'm peeing on myself and pretty much can't stop it." That is not a good feeling my friends. Of course it got progressively better once I was all healed up from having my vag blown out by that angelic little creature.

Ah, but did it go away? Negative. Now the pee sneaks out when I least expect it. When I cough or sneeze. When I laugh too hard, which is hard to avoid with my childish sense of humor. It's pretty common for me to stop mid-laugh and say "SHIT!" and run off to the bathroom. One time I had the stomach flu. The only thing more humiliating than having your head in the toilet all day is pissing down your leg a little every time you wretch. Good times.

I finally made an appointment with the lady doctor to address this problem. She ran a bunch of test to check out my muscle strength down in that region. She made me do kegels with her fingers all up in me. That's totally not weird or humiliating. She agreed that if the kegels didn't work I'd probably need a bladder suspension. Surgery? No thanks. The only thing I'm suspending on my body is these behemoth boobs.

So, I've accepted my fate.....

Yes, I'm kidding. I'm going to have the surgery. Blah!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Conversations That Embarrass Me

This is going to be short because I'm uber busy with work and trying to churn out a ten page paper on patients that are of a culturally different background. Thank God I finally found an African to corner and answer cheesy questions for said paper. Like a real African, not an African-American to my French-American. It was the end of a very long day and I saw her and was all "OMG you are of a different color!" What I meant to say was "OMG you are of a different culture!" And my friend looked at me and was all, "did you really just say that to her?" Thank goodness she laughed, but I still felt like an asshole. Such is my life, and mouth.

Anyhow, here is a conversation that actually took place in my bathroom this morning.

SPM - My hair is pissing me off! Look at it, just look! It's all flippy and curly and shit!
BD - That's normal, you're getting older.
BD - You know, cuz women's hair gets curly as they get older.
SPM - ??? No it doesn't.
BD - Yes it does. Look at all these old ladies with really curly hair.
SPM - That's because they perm it you fucking retard.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Damn You, Pinot Grigio!

Hi, I'm an alcoholic and have no self control. I like wine, especially pinot grigio. My husband calls me a wino but he still buys it for me. I guess because he doesn't like drinking his keystones (aka-stonies) alone....ick. Any how, last night it all started with dinner. I wanted a glass of wine while I was cooking, which is totally normal and fine. Then big daddy started talking about a Christmas budget and so obviously I had to pour another glass because it was a very serious/hives inducing conversation.

Then two glasses became four, then the next thing I know I wake up in a ditch on the outskirts of Tijuana next to a dead donkey and I'm all what the fuck? I was just making dinner and hanging Christmas lights! It's the pinot grigio. It's bad, bad stuff!

Ok, that last part isn't true. Like I could have made it back from Tijuana already.

Maybe it's a southern thing. Southern girls like to drink. Case in point:

Most of the pictures bff and I have together we both have a death grip on a miller lite bottle. (With lime please, thanks.) Guess which one I am.

And another thing, which looking at the picture reminded me of. BFF and I wear the same thing all.the.fucking.time. And we work together so it makes for some awkward situations. We have worn the same outfit three times this week, and it's only Thursday. Here is an instant message conversation we had this morning:

BFF - ok, let's get this over with
BFF - what are you wearing
SPM - pink and black shirt
BFF - awesome
SPM - you?
BFF - black and white
SPM - awesome
SPM - I don't even own any black and white outfits so you're always safe wtih that
BFF - it's a white button down under a black sweater with black pants
SPM - mine is a white button down under a pink sweater
SPM - with black pants
BFF - awesome
BFF - so the only difference is the color of our sweater
SPM - yeah, uh huh
BFF - this has got to stop

Our over use of the word awesome is starting to get on my own nerves.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I'm Swearing Off Convenience Food

I must have done something to piss off the powers that be of microwave meals. We all remember the Lean Cuisine debacle. After that I swore off lean cuisines for a while. Then I came across something called Fresh Mixers from Healthy Choice in the grocery store. You cook the noodles in the microwave and then heat up and add your sauce. Sweet. So I bought one and it has been sitting on my desk for a good month.

By the time lunchtime came around today I was elbow deep in homework, er, I mean, expense reports. Yeah, expense reports. I remembered my little convenient microwave meal and thought I'd give it a try. Bonus points for not spending money on lunch and getting the lecture from big daddy about how much money I waste on lunch. For the 738th time.

I go into the kitchen and cook the noodles. Then I looked at the directions again to make sure I was doing the right steps. Here is what the directions say regarding the sauce, verbatim:

Heat sauce, if desired, pull corner of film to vent. Heat for 30 seconds.

Well I'm lazy, so I assumed I didn't have to pull cover to vent, because it said if desired right there on the package. So I threw it in the microwave the way it came and walked over to get a fork. Just then a mini chernobyl happened. The sound was so loud I had to look around to make sure someone from the ghetto hadn't busted his way in and was mowing people down with an AK-47. Then I realized that probably couldn't happen because our security rivals that of fort knox. I figured my sauce had exploded. I opened the microwave to see the carnage.

Sauce.everyfucking.where. So I spent the next 10 minutes cleaning the stupid ass microwave. And when I went to wash my hands after cleaning the microwave, I cut my hand on the bathroom door. Super. Thank God I could salvage enough to put on my now cold noodles. (Sauce, not blood.) They ended up being pretty good but I'm still pissed off and swearing off convenience food all together.

PS - I now know the if desired part was meant for the heat sauce part. Who wants to put cold ass sauce on their noodles. An eskimo, that's who. Because it's so cold where eskimos live, they don't ever get hot food. It's practically frozen by the time it gets from their plate to their mouth anyways. Small suggestion, healthy choice direction writers, maybe you only need to put heat sauce if desired on shipments going to Alaska.

Monday, December 1, 2008

On jobs and burns

1. So after much deliberation and a small breakout of hives, I decided to turn down the job at the hospital. Once I actually put pen to paper I decided it would be stupid to take that much of a pay cut. I've got bills and shit. And I like to get my hair done, so I guess staying in hell a little while longer is a small price to pay. Plus BD said if I stay at my job he will get me a housekeeper. Score.

2. I'm fucking psychic and it's starting to freak me out. Last week I dreamt every night of people dying and being at funerals. I told bff this past weekend about it and to not be surprised if someone we knows dies. When I came into work this morning there was an email that a co-worker of ours husband died the night after Thanksgiving. He was only 54 and died in his sleep. Freaky. The night my dad died I had a dream that my grandparents were on a plane and they were both sobbing, but I couldn't figure out why. A few hours later I got the call that my dad had died while they were all on vacation together. Ever since then it has freaked me the fuck out when I dream of people dying.

3. I figured out I can't get cell phone reception when I sit on the right side of my couch. The left side is fine. Seriously.

4. Last night BD and BB were playing in the living room while I was in the kitchen. BB is running around like a crazy person because they were eating ice cream. I hear screaming. BB tripped over the dog and fell into our fireplace. He got second degree burns on his arm. It was horrible. Everything I had learned about being a nurse dissappeared and I flew into frantic mom mode. Some of his skin was burned to the glass and BD had to clean it off :( We took him to the ER and got some burn cream and got him bandaged up. He was a trooper. This pic was taken with my cell phone so it's a shitty picture, but you get the point....

On the way to the pedi this morning for his follow up visit:
BB - "Mommy, when we get there are they going to shock me?"
SPM - "Shock you? Whose been shocking you?"
BB - "Every time I go they shocks me in the arm!"
SPM - "Do you mean shot?"
BB - "YES!"
SPM - "No baby, no one is going to give you a shot."
BB to the pediatrician - "Dr. E, my mommy said I don't need a shot today, okay?"
**cue hysterical laughter from the staff**