Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I'm Swearing Off Convenience Food


I must have done something to piss off the powers that be of microwave meals. We all remember the Lean Cuisine debacle. After that I swore off lean cuisines for a while. Then I came across something called Fresh Mixers from Healthy Choice in the grocery store. You cook the noodles in the microwave and then heat up and add your sauce. Sweet. So I bought one and it has been sitting on my desk for a good month.

By the time lunchtime came around today I was elbow deep in homework, er, I mean, expense reports. Yeah, expense reports. I remembered my little convenient microwave meal and thought I'd give it a try. Bonus points for not spending money on lunch and getting the lecture from big daddy about how much money I waste on lunch. For the 738th time.

I go into the kitchen and cook the noodles. Then I looked at the directions again to make sure I was doing the right steps. Here is what the directions say regarding the sauce, verbatim:

Heat sauce, if desired, pull corner of film to vent. Heat for 30 seconds.

Well I'm lazy, so I assumed I didn't have to pull cover to vent, because it said if desired right there on the package. So I threw it in the microwave the way it came and walked over to get a fork. Just then a mini chernobyl happened. The sound was so loud I had to look around to make sure someone from the ghetto hadn't busted his way in and was mowing people down with an AK-47. Then I realized that probably couldn't happen because our security rivals that of fort knox. I figured my sauce had exploded. I opened the microwave to see the carnage.

Sauce.everyfucking.where. So I spent the next 10 minutes cleaning the stupid ass microwave. And when I went to wash my hands after cleaning the microwave, I cut my hand on the bathroom door. Super. Thank God I could salvage enough to put on my now cold noodles. (Sauce, not blood.) They ended up being pretty good but I'm still pissed off and swearing off convenience food all together.

PS - I now know the if desired part was meant for the heat sauce part. Who wants to put cold ass sauce on their noodles. An eskimo, that's who. Because it's so cold where eskimos live, they don't ever get hot food. It's practically frozen by the time it gets from their plate to their mouth anyways. Small suggestion, healthy choice direction writers, maybe you only need to put heat sauce if desired on shipments going to Alaska.

7 comments:

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

the shitty directions makes me think of a funny email i received the other day:
"All phones should be answered with; "Press 1 for English, Press 2 to learn English..." or something. you get the point.

after 4 fucking days at home with my kids last weekend, i took them to mcdonald's for a treat. when i asked the girl behind the counter whether or not there were GIRL toys and BOY toys in the happy meals, she gave me a puzzled look and called her manager over to answer my difficult question. thank god she understood "SIX PIECE CHICKEN MCNUGGET HAPPY MEAL."

i abhor convenience foods.

Sassy Pants said...

BFF once threw an order of fries back at the drive through lady because she was so fucking stupid.

BD says we expect too much of people that work at fast food places. I for one think they should know english, and for God's sake the difference in a boy and girl toy!

Amber D. said...

If she was gonna argue with me over the size of the fries that I ordered, I didn't want them. She gave me the small fries but demanded that's what I paid for, even though I ORDERED the medium. Sorry SHE was the dumbass that can't decipher the word MEDIUM from SMALL. Bitch can have them back. In her face.

Erin Jeannine said...

FIrst, Amber, you fucking rule.

Second, why don't those dumbasses who make convenience food understand that we need simple directions? We're not dumb, but pasta that goes in the microwave and doesn't need to be refrigerated is specifically made for people who are busy and don't have time for deciphering instructions. And I don't need Healthy Choice to tell me that I get to decide when to heat up my sauce. This is America, bitches, and I'll heat what I want! You tell me how to make it, and I'll decide if I want to or not.

Crystal said...

Holy shit. I am still laughing. You know, should really write up a JSA before microwaving any questionable foods. And your cut! That is a recordable incident! You should contact your local HR rep so you can get workers comp and make all of the bosses have pointless meetings about door safety.

calicobebop said...

I swore off Healthy Choice for about a year but have reluctantly started buying their microwavable soup again.

Stupid crappy directions - too bad you can't make those people clean up your mess!

Stephanepanie said...

Apparently the makers of Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers read your blog or got some similar complaints because the directions now read "Heat sauce if desired. PEEL (yes these words are now capitalized) corner of film for venting. Microwave on HIGH (not sure why this is emphasized - must be another problem all-together) for 30 seconds."

In my opinion, they still taste like shit so you're really not missing out on much.