Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Lean Cuisines and Interns

After looking at the not so flattering pictures of myself from the reunion, I've decided maybe it's time to go on a diet. It pretty much boils down to one thing. I love food. I love to cook it, I love to serve it, but most of all I love shoving it down my pie hole. Maybe it's my southern heritage, or maybe it's because I grew up with a momma that fried everything. I don't know. But I do know something has to be done about it.

I'm trying a combination of the Slim Fast and Lean Cuisine diet. Regarding the latter, what kind of sadistic bastard (because you know it was a man!) invented these things? I pulled mine out of the freezer here at work today. I flipped it over to look at the directions. Six to seven minutes. It takes six fucking minutes to heat something in the microwave? Here's a little tip for you, Lean Cuisine creators, you do NOT want to make a dieting woman wait six minutes for her crappy ass diet food. I go from hungry to raving bitch in about three minutes flat. But that's neither here nor there.

I begrudgingly open the stupid box, throw it in our filthy work microwave, and punch in five minutes, fifteen seconds. Because I'll be damned if I will give them the pleasure of making me wait the entire six minutes.

And I wait. And wait. And wait. The intern walks through the kitchen three times and keeps looking at me like I'm a loon. Move it along, you tiny little 19 year old, there's nothing to see here. I silently giggle to myself because I know someday she will be the fat almost thirty year old waiting for her godforsaken diet food to heat up.

Ding! Finally. I walk down to BFF's office because that is where we have our lunch date most days. I pull off the cellophane and just groan. I shit you not when I say there were three tiny pieces of meat in there. Well, not even pieces really. More like the remnants that fall off of the roast when you are cutting it. That's probably what happened. They were cutting off actual pieces for the Hungry Man frozen dinners, and they have a collection area for the remnants that fall off. That's what they put in the Lean Cuisines.

Now, I'm going to be generous and say there were maybe seven green beans and two carrots. All of this was in a lovely brown, slightly MSG tasting, gravy. And to accompany this feast, was a side of dried crusty looking mashed taters. Dried? Crusty? After being in the microwave for six minutes? No way.

I ate it in about two seconds flat, grimacing the whole time at the God awful taste. Do they really think that tiny amount of food is going to satiate even the tiniest person (even the intern) for more than an hour?! Needless to say, I was starving an hour later.

That Hershey bar never had a chance.

No comments: