Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stuff Your Mom Should Tell You

So there is a dirty little secret about having kids that your mom (and friends, thanks assholes) never tells you about when you get pregnant. In retrospect, it should have been obvious. I mean that sweet little 7 pound blob did spend 9 months residing on your bladder. Then you have to push and shove and grunt and groan it out...over your bladder. Are we seeing a pattern here? Yeah.

The first sign of my trouble was about an hour or so after I had given birth to baby boy. I wanted to take a shower and stood up and felt something running down my leg. I looked down and realized it was pee. Nice. I looked at the nurse and said, "um, I'm peeing on myself and pretty much can't stop it." That is not a good feeling my friends. Of course it got progressively better once I was all healed up from having my vag blown out by that angelic little creature.

Ah, but did it go away? Negative. Now the pee sneaks out when I least expect it. When I cough or sneeze. When I laugh too hard, which is hard to avoid with my childish sense of humor. It's pretty common for me to stop mid-laugh and say "SHIT!" and run off to the bathroom. One time I had the stomach flu. The only thing more humiliating than having your head in the toilet all day is pissing down your leg a little every time you wretch. Good times.

I finally made an appointment with the lady doctor to address this problem. She ran a bunch of test to check out my muscle strength down in that region. She made me do kegels with her fingers all up in me. That's totally not weird or humiliating. She agreed that if the kegels didn't work I'd probably need a bladder suspension. Surgery? No thanks. The only thing I'm suspending on my body is these behemoth boobs.

So, I've accepted my fate.....

Yes, I'm kidding. I'm going to have the surgery. Blah!


Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

lmao @ the adult diapers. wonder what the rest of that model's body looks like? i want to know.

anyhoo, i'm sorry about the peeing issues. while i don't have those, i will say that my hoohoo is mangled beyond all recognition after popping out two kids. the first doc did a botched up stitch-job, and by the time i had the second it was just beyond repair.

your boobs are gorgeous. you have that going for you. which is niiice.

Brandi said...

More birth control for those of us without children. Awesome.

Erin Jeannine said...

Wow. Usually when people ask me about kids I go into my long explanation about school and my career and how my mom didn't work, but now I'm just going to tell them it's because of this. You've just saved me so much time!

WaterBishop said...

That model is pretty hot. ;)

ben wa balls? j/k. sorta.

Whatever you do, don't run a marathon and then have a coughing fit in front of 5,000 other runners.
It's not pretty.

Sassy Pants said...

Yeah, like I'd ever be caught running...

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

hey, speaking of messed up hoohoos... i was peeing today and i realized that when the pee comes out, it's like someone's holding their thumb over the end of a garden hose.

yeah. THAT messed up.

(how's THAT for birth control!)