Wednesday, July 9, 2008

More of a Curse Than a Blessing

If another person says to me "I would trade boobs with you in a second!" I'm likely to stab them in their tiny boobs. I feel the need to get this out there, to inform you less endowed women that having been "blessed" with ginormous boobs is way more of a curse than it is a blessing. Trust me, I know first hand.

Every morning I get out of the shower, sigh, and walk over to my bra. I nearly dislocate my shoulder trying to get the three clasps closed in the back. Yes, three. Actually I wish there were four clasps. I do not want to be held liable for taking out someone's eye should those three tiny pieces of metal fail me some day.

By the time I get the clasps closed, I have accumulated middle and bottom cleavage sweat. Bottom cleavage, you ask? Yes bottom cleavage. I could hide my entire hand underneath one boob. That, my friend, is bottom cleavage. I pull the straps over my arms and they nestle into the crater on my shoulder that has been created over the years from trying to support these mammoths. I grab my bra on each side and jiggle it vigorously side to side until my boobs settle into my bra. Sometimes tucking and adjusting is needed if the jiggle method doesn't work. This is every morning folks, just to put on my godforsaken bra.

Now, let's talk about shopping for a bra. Should be simple, right? I mean, bras are sold everywhere. Sha! Let me take you on a little trip I like to call my worst nightmare. I go into Victoria's Secret, which is the only place I can buy bras, unless of course I want to spend $80 to special order one. A $10 hanes bra from wal-mart just will not cut it for me. I walk in, past the frilly cute bras, and into the "good God are those things real?!" section. Guess what those bras look like. Let me tell you.

They come in three colors, black, nude, and white. No lace, no frills, nothing. I have to go to the bottom drawer. If you have been to VS you know what I'm talking about. The drawers go from smallest sizes on top to largest on bottom. I'm surprised they don't keep my size underneath the bottom drawer. I open the drawer and there are about three bras in there, because really, why keep stock in something that hideous. I grab a nude one, I already have three, but I have no other options. I walk to the cash register carrying said bra that is bigger than my purse, by the way. That'll be $55 please. Yes, I have to pay that much for a stupid, ugly bra.

Let me tell you about the one time I did go bargain basement on a bra. I needed a strapless bra (ha ha!) for this cute little dress I had bought. I was at target and thought I would look there. The biggest size they have is 36D. I figured I could wedge myself into a couple of sizes smaller for this one party. Plus it had straps like a halter top, which was perfect for what I needed. This bra was $10. I was pretty proud of myself for finding such a bargain! I get home and show BD my new find.

**Proudly holding up new bra**
"It was only ten bucks!"

"Is that gonna fit you?"

"It's just a couple of sizes too small and I figure with a couple of tucks I can wrestle myself into it….besides, it's only for one night"

"I doubt it, but okay"

I begin the bra wrestle process. I shove, tuck, and jiggle until it looks just right. I look at him with a big 'I told you so' smile. And that's when it happened.


The bra strap had ripped right through the fabric under the sheer weight of my warlocks. It then proceeded to snap backwards and hit me in the eye. I grabbed my eye and fell on the floor. BD is bending over holding his stomach because he is laughing so hard.

"Stop laughing asshole, I think I've been blinded!"

**laughing so hard he has tears running down his face**

"I'm serious! It hit me in the eye!"

**laughing harder because he thought it hit me in the forehead** Apparently an eye injury is much funnier.

I take off the death trap, throw it on the ground and curse it. "Damn you you cheap ass bra!!!" Meanwhile the bra is thinking, "Damn YOU, you big tittied monster!" BD catches his breath long enough to ask if I'm seriously injured. My eye was okay after the tearing subsided and swelling went down. I definitely learned my lesson about cheap bras that day. Your vision is just not worth saving a couple of bucks.

This doesn't even scratch the surface of what I have to go through because of my "blessing", but I have to get back to work. Maybe I'll blog about more boob antics in the future.

1 comment:

Crystal said...

hahahaha that's hilarious

are we like sisters or something? i have big boobs too and one time i went into VS and found a cute little frilly bra and asked if it came in my size and the girl that worked there actually told me, "well, our models generally wear a 34C or a 36B so all of those bras come in that size because we consider it the perfect size. the only things we have in your size are these." and she leads me to a sad looking table and i was all, "i think you misunderstood me. i wanted a bra, not a tank top." and she giggled and bounded off with her 36B titskies to help someone else. biatch.