Monday, November 8, 2010

Batshit Crazy, Party of One

When you work in a hospital you, obviously, deal with the public. You are bound to run across a few crazies when you are in my line of work. On my last shift I had one particular crazy that has stood out among the others.

When trying to insert an IV, because he had pulled out the last one, he proceeded to show me which way I should twist his arm and which vein I should use because "that's the one I use to shoot up my drugs." Allllrighty then. The conversation went a little something like this....

"Sir, I'm going to need you to sit still while I put in this IV"

"LOOK! Twist the skin like this here, that way you can reach this big vein over here!"

"It looks like this vein over here is a better choice"

After several attempts and misses because of him jerking his arm away, he then tries to snatch the needle out of my hand.

"Give me that goddamn needle and I'll show you how to do it! I've done this going 90 down the freeway!"

To which I reply, "SLOW YOUR ROLL DUDE!" I figure speaking in his language is my best bet at this point. I'm also thinking if this motherfucker stabs me with his hepatitis c infected needle I'm going to judo chop his adam's apple.

I finally got someone else to do it because he was pissing me off and I wasn't in the mood to contract a disease that day.

Later that night, he called 911.

From his hospital room.

He claimed I was trying to kill him by withholding pain medication. Medication that wasn't due for another two hours. But I guess when you shoot up meth every day, morphine doesn't really do it for you anymore.

He asked me to give them the address. Seriously. The kicker though? They sent an ambulance. Where the fuck he thought they were going to take him was beyond me. Two floors down to the ER?

The straw that broke the camels back though was when I went in to give him his meds and he was but ass naked yanking on his weiner. He then proceeded to ask me how he was supposed to jack off with a catheter in. Cue me rolling my eyes and walking the fuck out to get a psych consult.


Candice said...

Just another day at the orifice.

Lisa said...

As I was reading that, I thought, "Wow, that IS batshit crazy!" Until I read another sentence, and another, and another.

Who would have thought it could get worse, but DUDE! WTF!?!?!?!?!?

Frogs in my formula said...

Holy hell I am so grateful for my desk job and difficult-to-locate office.