Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So I was holding this penis last night....


I had lab twice this week. That means I left the house at 7am and didn't get home until 9pm. Twice. Plus I have a cold. Needless to say I've been really cranky. Which brings us to our story...

We learn how to do our nursing skills in lab. Stuff like IV's, drawing blood, dispensing insulin...you get the idea. Last nights lab was on inserting foley catheters. I'll give you a second to google that.

You back? Looks pleasant doesn't it? It's actually a lot harder of a procedure than you might think. You don't just jab that tube up there all nimbly bimbly like. You have to have a sterile field during the whole procedure which is really complicated for a newbie like myself. So my professor is explaining the procedure and we have one sterile hand and one hand with which we hold the penis. The very life like mannequin's penis. And if we let our hand slip off of the penis to do something else she would yell at us. And she is a very large woman, so I had the penis in a death grip.

So I'm holding the penis in one hand and the foley in another, and she's going on and on about procedure. Then she gets interrupted by someone and they are carrying on this conversation about something completely irrelevant to what we are doing. And I'm all, "Helloooo, I'm still holding this guys dick!" Which is apparently pretty unprofessional, but I wasn't about to get yelled at again for breaking my sterile field. So my prof is like, "Amber! Would you say dick in front of your patient?" And I said, "well I'm pretty sure he'll be using more colorful language than that if I'm shoving this tube up his pisser." Then she rolled her eyes at me and told me I might want to consder working in the morgue. You know, because people are already dead there and I can say dick and pisser all I want and they won't know the difference.

Anyhow, I finally got the foley in that poor little mannequin. We were both traumatized and ashamed by the time it was over. I had a dick imprint on my hand for a good half hour after the whole debacle. Try explaining that to your husband.

10 comments:

Samsmama said...

Did you smoke afterwards?

Imagine my utter glee when this title popped up in my reader!

And, yes, explaining that is tricky.

Candice said...

You are a fucking riot.

I was assisting a student put a foley in this man, and had to leave the room for something more pressing, when I came back 10 minutes later he still had his lubed up schlong in his hand.

Now THAT'S some funny shit

Candice said...

BTW, it was the patient's schlong.. not his own.

Just wanted to clear that up. ;)

Nichole said...

Seriously, I have tears in my eyes I'm laughing so hard! And now Finn thinks his mother is NUTS!

tonya said...

that was just fuckin great right when i needed a laugh too, oh and my verification word just cause it struck as funny too.....cophoe

Shana said...

That is funny!!
I remember the days of practicing catheter insertion!! I am sure I wouldn't have used the word 'dick' or 'pisser' in front of my instructor!!! HA

(I used to work at a spinal cord injury hospital and I used to get to do intermitant cath insertions at least 4 or 5 times a day. Lucky me!)

Crystal said...

Lmao
Most awesome post ever.

And Candice's comment pushed me to the point of pee.

When you and A wanna do lunch?

calicobebop said...

Oh Gawd, I can't even imagine all the horrific things you're going to learn to do to people. Your husband had better stay on your good side!

Anonymous said...

I love your whole penis debacle story. I never had a faux penis to practice with ;) I'm pretty sure my lab class would have been a riot if we did. That might have been almost as dirty as trying to find our femoral pulses :)

I remember my first on the job foley insertion. A shaky woman in transition being prepped for a section... With a surgical team for an audience. GAWD!!

LivingDeadNurse said...

omg..thats hilarious