Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Day Grandma Got a Tattoo

...on her ass.

It all started the first thanksgiving BD and I hosted at our new home. It was shortly after we were married, and baby boy hadn't come along yet. Trust me, this is pertinent information. Let me start off by saying that my gma is not like ordinary gma's. She is the most awesome gma in the entire universe. She is down with hip slang and shares my sense of humor. For example, she calls Pinot Grigio (the wine) penis george. I don't know why and I don't ask but it is damn funny.

So my gma and aunt came to stay with me the night before thanksgiving to help me prepare for the feast. We ordered take out and were preparing stuff for the next day. I opened a bottle of wine. We quickly finished said bottle of wine. It went pretty quick because we were laughing and having a great time. I think we opened another bottle when the topic of tattoos came up. My gma said, "you know, I think I want to get one." I was like "okay, if you want one so bad let me take you to my guy." I completely called her bluff. Then she said, "okay, if you're driving!"

So the three of us piled into my aunts car, and drove half way across town to my tattoo guy. I walk in with two 65 year old women, and we were met with an array of looks. He hugged me and asked if I was there for another and I said, "nope, my gma wants one this time." He shrugged his shoulders and said "sweet! Wish my gma was that cool!"

There was a little bit of a wait so we went to the pool hall next door and ordered a bucket of corona. We were all a teensy bit inebriated by the time it was her turn, so I called big daddy (like the responsible adult I am) and told him we needed a ride home. The conversation went a little something like this:

SPM - "hey big daddy, I need you to come get us."

BD - "where are you guys? There is a turkey in the sink and two empty wine bottles on the table."

SPM - "Yeah, about that...I'm gonna need you to come get us at the tattoo parlor"

BD - "no, seriously, where are y'all?"

SPM - "We are seriously at the tattoo place, can you please just come get us."

BD - "Are you getting another tattoo? With your grandmother?!"

SPM - *giggle* "Not exactly, just come up here"

BD - "Well what the...never mind, I'll be there in twenty"

Big Daddy has learned not to ask too many questions in situations like this.

Meanwhile, Gma picked out a cross tattoo just like the one I have on my right ass cheek. Plus she is a really devout catholic, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. I know, stop laughing. She decided she wanted it on her ass too. So we went to the back and she dropped trou. I still couldn't believe what was happening. She was a freaking trooper. She didn't even grimace! I don't know if it was the wine or her pain tolerance level, but when I got mine I was squirming like a baby.

In walks Big Daddy as he sees my gma getting a tattoo....on her ass. I can't even put into words the look that was on his face. I was all "take a pic of it on your camera and send it to gpa." He's like "the fuck I am! I don't want him to be pissed at me." He ended up doing it because I threatened to withhold the vagina for two weeks. He sent the picture with a message that just said "They made me do it."

Our tattoos look similiar to this, but with color:

Driving home, BD looked at us and said, "never in my life did I think I would be the designated driver for you three."

The next day gpa had a conversation with big daddy about "keeping the ladies under control" or something. I think he secretly likes the tattoo.

And that, my friends, is a thanksgiving I will never forget.


calicobebop said...

"There is a turkey in the sink and two empty wine bottles on the table"

Holy shit - you know you're in trouble when that happens! I'm dying here at my desk - that has to be the funniest thing I have read in WEEKS! If not months. Your gma is the awesomest. Hands down.

Shana said...

Oh yeah, that is hilarious!!!!
Yey to gma!!!!!!!!!!

Mary said...

holy crap...that is just cracking me up! Go gma! how cool...

Cookie Crums said...

I was sitting my desk at work when i somehow come across your blog. Anyway..... I started cracking up!! I can only imagine if my hubby was in BD's shoes and came in and saw you gma. How awesome is that?!!

CC said...

most memorable (in a good way) Thanksgiving ever!!!!! Great story!

TexasRed said...

That is Awesome!