Monday, January 5, 2009

An Open Letter to My Cold/Flu/Pneumonia

Dear Cold/Flu/Pneumonia,

I know you have happily resided in my sinus/head/lung region for oh, I don't know, about two weeks now. This is your notice of eviction, bitch. You have completely worn out your welcome in this host. Don't you think it's time to go torment someone else? Get a new, fresh set of lungs? Mine are pretty much on their death bed right about now. I've been hacking up stuff that is unrecognizable to me at this point. And I'm practically a nurse, so that's pretty scary. When I breathe in and out I'm wheezing like a fat asthmatic kid that just ran a half lap with a coach screaming in his face. Surely this is not a good sign. I tried to look up wheezing in my nursing book last night but then I started coughing so hard that my eyes started watering and then I couldn't even see to read anything. So thanks, mucus, thanks for making me sick and blind. Wheezing could mean that I'll be dead in three days, but I'll never know now.

Sneezy McCoughy

I spoke to my mom last night and she's all "Oh my God, are you sick again?!" And I'm all, "NO MOM, it's the same DAMN COLD!" And then she's all, "So then you're going to the doctor tomorrow, right?" And I'm all, "No, I'm going to a little thing called work." And then she's like "I think you mean to say no ma'am." (Then I silently cursed the fact that I still get in trouble for not saying ma'am to her). Then came the "Do you need me to call your boss?" And then I hung up on her. I love my mom.


Pearl said...

My husband has had that hacking cough for almost two weeks now too. At the worst point of it I made him go sleep on the couch (wife of the year, I know) because I couldnt sleep. Let me know when you find the cure because as of this morning he is stilllllllll coughing!

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

SHIT, now i'm all scurred that my daughter has pneumonia! after she got over her stomach flu, she got an ear infection. and now she's hacking and wheezing like there's no tomorrow. gonna call the dr. in the morning. GAH!

Sassy Pants said...

Oh, I know for a fact if kids are wheezing they need to be taken to the dr! BB gets put on breathing treatments every time he wheezes.