Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I haven't died, and why women become lesbians

It's been almost a month since I did a blog update. That is unacceptable! You know, it's the same old story. Work, nursing school, family. I've been so frazzled lately. Plus ever since last week it's been a little tense in the Sassy Pants household. Let me explain....

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty awesome wife. No, I'm a badass wife that any guy would be lucky to have. (toot toot!) And that badassedness has been taken advantage of recently. You see, big daddy gets to pretty much do whatever he wants. If he wants to go play pool with his friends, or go to a bar, I let him and don't give him any grief. All I ask in return is a little peace and quiet when I need to study, and that he comes home after the bar closes. Well, Friday night he must have gotten brain damage and somehow forgotten the latter of those two rules.

He went to play pool with a friend, and I had clinicals the next day, so baby boy and I hit the sack around 9ish. I woke up to pee at 3:30 and he wasn't home. Somehow I fell back asleep, and woke up again at 4am. He still wasn't home. Panic ensues because I think to myself that surely, SURELY he would not purposely stay out this late. There must have been a horrendous accident. I'm texting every one of his friends to see if they've seen him. I texted him. I'm in full on panic mode by this point. As I'm picking up the phone to call the hospital that is near our house, I get a text saying "I'm sorry, I'm 5 minutes away". I saw red. Smoke was coming out of my ears. My hands were shaking but I managed to text back "YOU BETTER BE MOTHER FUCKER!!"

I'm waiting on the bottom of our stairs. He walks up to the door and every so quietly unlocks it. He's sneaking in like a fucking ninja, having no idea what kind of wrath was about to be unleashed on him. He looked up, saw me on the step with my hands on my hips, and froze right there. I was so mad that I couldn't even form a sentence. I was sputtering expletives at him and then I finally managed a "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" And this is where it gets good folks.

You see, big daddy's best friend is single and always trying to pick up ladies. Apparently he found one he liked at the bar. She also happened to be with two other friends. So what do the dumbasses do? Invite them over to his house to go swimming. Seriously. These were the words coming out of my husbands mouth. The mad that I was before compared to the mad I was after this story, would be the difference between a firecracker and Hiroshima. I'm pretty sure I busted a vein in my forehead. I actually had to restrain myself from hitting him. And do you know what that asshole had the nerve to say to me? "But I found us a babysitter!" And then I stabbed him 75 times. Not really, but that's totally what was happening in my head.

So fast forward to today. I still haven't had a normal conversation with him. He swears nothing happened and he "was just there for his friend". I've been going back and forth about what to do. If I let him get away with this he will think it's okay. If you haven't figured it out by now, men are like children. They need to be punished.

So I'm asking you, doogs. What would you do if this was your husband? I really, really want to know because right now I'm at a loss.


Crystal said...

oh hell no. no freaking sir. like he can't call you or text you when he leaves the bar and tell you that he is going to hang out with a swimmin pool! did he have his trunks??? did they have their suits??? did his single friend have extras? i am getting all mad and he isn't even my husband. i am on my period right now, though, so i am probably not doing you any good. i think you deserve jewelry. and next tim eyou go out you should stay out all night. two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes they make a point. just sayin.

Tiffany said...

Shit I am at a loss, the stabbing seemed like a good idea. Hahah.. just kidding. I can't wait to see some of the responses you get because I have no clue how to go about it.

Sassy Pants said...

Supposedly the girls had suits with them. Ya know, cuz you always pack your suit when you're going to a bar. And he wore his friends trunks.

And no worries, the NKOTB concert is coming up. Sweet, sweet revenge.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm. Sounds like he hasn't ever done anything like this before... so yeah I'd go with your first instinct and stab his fucking ass. The whole story sounds suspect to me... but I don't know him.... So basically I've given you no advice what so ever and just rambled on and on...
Glad you are back by the way... missed you ;-)

However, If you want me to come over and shoot him a few times with the BB gun I'm more than happy.

Erin Jeannine said...

I'm assuming because you mentioned the NKOTB concert that you want to go. So make him chauffeur you and all your bitches to AND FROM dinner, concert, maybe bar afterwards. No night out with the boys; it will be a girls night. And let him deal with the babysitter, but NOT the slut who brought her own suit to a bar. (Which I don't believe for one second. You don't even live in a beach town, so there's no way they had suits with them.) And this chauffeuring gig doesn't get him off the hook; it only goes toward earning his freedom.

Candice said...

Hmm, I came by earlier but didn't want to give you any advice that would land you in jail.

I still don't have any advice that wouldn't land you in jail at this time, so I'll just keep my fucking mouth shut.

Yeah, dude SO needs to be stabbed in the pancreas.

Mary said...

what in god's name is wrong with men? I swear, I think I would have stabbed him 75 times and then one more, just for good measure.
Not quite as bad, but close, was when my husband and his friends were in Chicago at a fancy bar and my husband danced with a girl b/c he didn't want to hurt her really? I said, well guys ask to dance all the time, so i guess I'll start doing that- just so their feelings aren't hurt.
He didn't quite see it as the same thing...of course the fact that they are both dumb enough to tell us about it, makes me think nothing much actually went on- your husband isn't a cheater, just stupid :)
no offense :)

Crystal said...

ok, my hormones are a little less obnoxious today so i am able to play the, "if i were a sane person" game.
i would tell him, "i am really glad you told me about this. i think that it is inappropriate behavior and i don't like it, but since you don't act like this all the time, so i will give you the benefit of the doubt this time."

and then, "however, you pull that shit on me again, motherfucker, and i will have your balls wrapped around a powerline like a pair of crack sneakers in 5th ward"

Anonymous said...

Well he does seem to be a first time offender with it, otherwise he would have been smart enough not to tell the truth.

I don't believe for a second that they girls had their bathing suits... but I do understand that he may not want to cock block his friend. But being married he definately should have at least showed some courtesy to you "his baby momma" and at least text in the case that you did wake up.

I have never been put in this situation before and I think that you'll have to trust your instincts but if you punish too harshly he may not be quite as truthful the next time something questionable happens.

Samsmama said...

What Crystal said. The second time.

onebadmamajama said...

I can't believe he hasn't been kissing your ass for every second he is awake! I don't really have any advice, because if it had've been me I probably would have wound up in jail for domestic assault lol

Maybe you should do what Crystal said the second time..OH..and what Erin said too!

Those options should keep you outta jail:)