Is there anybody out there?

I know I've been gone a while...hope I haven't lost all five of my faithful readers. I was sick for almost an entire month, progressively getting worse until it developed into pneumonia. I will never put off going to the doctor again. That sucked balls.

I'm currently wrapping up Level II of nursing school. Half-way there baby! It seems like I was just accepted into the program last month. I took the mid-curricular HESI exam and aced it. It is a good indicator of how you will do on the nursing boards so I'm pretty stoked to find out I'm not a retard.

Level II nursing has been interesting. I've gotten to move to other units for clinicals. Thank God too because if I had to spend another day in the telemetry unit I was probably going to off myself with a bedpan. I helped with a c-section a couple of weeks ago and got puked on. It was still better than telemetry. I got to put in my first foley catheter on a real, live human! Yeah, I rocked it. Don't be jealous. (She may or may not have had an epidural at the time.) I got to witness my first vaginal birth (other than my own) up close and personal. It was gross and messy and beautiful all at the same time. I actually held her leg and coached her while she pushed that wiggly little blob out. Amazing and a little bittersweet for me.

What else has happened....we are gearing up for our guadalupe river trip in a couple of weeks. Four whole days of no kids, sun, floating the river, bbq, classic rock, beer....need I say more? I am so excited! This will be the first vacation big daddy and I have been on without the in-laws in about 57 years. Not that I don't love my in-laws, but lets be honest...it's called a vacation for a reason. Big daddy is lucky I'm letting him go.

I found out monday that my sister in law is having TWIN BOYS!!! I'm over the moon excited and getting every little detail planned for her shower. I can't wait until they are born. Maybe that will hold off the baby crazies for a while since my plumbing is out of commission.

Three things my son has said to me this week:

"Spiders just make me....shudder" - He has the vocabulary of a 12 year old. I'm pretty sure he was switched at the hospital. My real kid probably can't even speak three word sentences yet.

"I really value your friendship mom" - (he's three people, the only thing normal three year olds value are cheesy poofs and dry underwear)

"My penis has legs" - (no, those are your balls)

See you guys tomorrow with the story of how I was banned for life from a casino.

Back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow

Sorry peeps, I've been down and out with pneumonia for the better part of a week. Hoping to get back to work and a bit of normalcy tomorrow. Stay tuned.

This is what happens when it rains in houston for one day

So I got a call from baby boy's preschool around 1pm on tuesday. They said, "you may want to come get your child because the roads are becoming inaccessible." Okay, I thought. I'm just glad they called before it got too bad. Or so I thought.

These pictures are not in order so just roll with it. When I pulled onto the street that the school was on I knew there was no way in hell my car would make it down the road. Because it was COVERED in water. I actually had to call BD to come in his truck. Meanwhile, parents are pulling up and we are all wondering how we are going to get our kids out. I called the school to see what we were supposed to do. All I got was a "uh, we aren't really sure." Great. After about a half hour the dads said screw it... they rolled up their pants and started wading through the flood water to get our children.

BD coming out with baby boy and a classmate. Another dad going in...he was smart enough to get swim trunks on first.

The kids, not really sure what to think of all this water.

Dad's coming out with their kids.

Dad going in...

Thank God for all the dads or the kids might still be there

So I was holding this penis last night....

I had lab twice this week. That means I left the house at 7am and didn't get home until 9pm. Twice. Plus I have a cold. Needless to say I've been really cranky. Which brings us to our story...

We learn how to do our nursing skills in lab. Stuff like IV's, drawing blood, dispensing insulin...you get the idea. Last nights lab was on inserting foley catheters. I'll give you a second to google that.

You back? Looks pleasant doesn't it? It's actually a lot harder of a procedure than you might think. You don't just jab that tube up there all nimbly bimbly like. You have to have a sterile field during the whole procedure which is really complicated for a newbie like myself. So my professor is explaining the procedure and we have one sterile hand and one hand with which we hold the penis. The very life like mannequin's penis. And if we let our hand slip off of the penis to do something else she would yell at us. And she is a very large woman, so I had the penis in a death grip.

So I'm holding the penis in one hand and the foley in another, and she's going on and on about procedure. Then she gets interrupted by someone and they are carrying on this conversation about something completely irrelevant to what we are doing. And I'm all, "Helloooo, I'm still holding this guys dick!" Which is apparently pretty unprofessional, but I wasn't about to get yelled at again for breaking my sterile field. So my prof is like, "Amber! Would you say dick in front of your patient?" And I said, "well I'm pretty sure he'll be using more colorful language than that if I'm shoving this tube up his pisser." Then she rolled her eyes at me and told me I might want to consder working in the morgue. You know, because people are already dead there and I can say dick and pisser all I want and they won't know the difference.

Anyhow, I finally got the foley in that poor little mannequin. We were both traumatized and ashamed by the time it was over. I had a dick imprint on my hand for a good half hour after the whole debacle. Try explaining that to your husband.

The List

I have nothing interesting to blog about so I'm stealing this idea from BFF, who stole it from samsmama. I'm nothing if not original. I am going to do a list of ten random things from my past that I've done...with one thing listed that I didn't do. See if you can figure out which one it is!

1. I have been banned for life from the Isle of Capri casino in Louisiana.

2. I have tried to run from the cops on foot, and got caught because I was wearing stilettos and running on gravel.

3. I asked where the homecoming game was going to be my junior year of high school.

4. I've been slipped a roofie in a bar, then was pulled over by a cop on my way home because he thought I was drunk. Good times.

5. I used to pour half of my parents liquor out and replace it with water. They never knew the difference.

6. I have gone to bail my dad out of jail, and he didn't even recognize me as his daughter. He thought I was an attorney. That's a great feeling.

7. One time I took ecstasy in college and did a line dance with the wall. High kicks and all.

8. I bought my first house at the age of 23.

9. BB was born at home with the assistance of a midwife.

10. I have been in college for 10 consecutive years.

More Easter Pics!

Guess Who Shit in the Yard Again

I guess we didn't quite get our point across the first time it happened. You know, the first time we explained that the backyard is not a toilet. Except for the dogs. Which I guess was pretty confusing for the little dude. I didn't see the actual deed, I just heard BB go "ewwww, mom, buster is eating my poop!!" **GAG** So not only did he shit in the yard, but the dog ate it. How disgusting is this scenario? And where the fuck is this chapter in my parenting book?

Note to self: don't let buster lick my face anymore.

So then yesterday I pick him up from pre-school and notice he had on his in-case-of-emergency clothes. I said, "did we have an accident today?" He twisted his little mouth and said, "yes I did." As I always do, I asked "well what happened?" He looked at me like I was a moron and matter of factly said, "I pissed my pants."

I have a feeling the teen years are going to be super.