Monday, May 11, 2009

My In-Laws Are a Bad Influence: Example #72

You see that building up there? Yeah, I'm never allowed to go there ever again. Like, for the rest of my life. It all started about 10 years ago (jesus I'm old) when my in-laws decided we should take a little trip over to Louisiana for a super fun night of gambling. Awesome, I thought! One problem though, I was only 19 at the time. If you check your handy dandy law book, you'll see that the legal gambling age in Louisiana is 21. No problem, said the in-laws...we'll get you a fake ID! Great! So we made the call to big daddy's sister and asked her if we could borrow her ID. She brought it over and we were on our way to a night of debauchery. Well, as much debauchary as you can have with your inlaws.

I memorized that ID from top to bottom on the three hour drive across the state line. Name, birthday, address...I had it down. We pull up to the casino and walk in. The over zealous bouncer looks at each ID, then he gets to mine. He looks at it and back at me like four hundred times. I didn't realize before, but my sister in law is 5'2" and I'm 5'6". Plus she has green eyes and I have brown. Plus we pretty much look nothing alike except that we are both caucasian.

"When's your birthday?"

"May 22" I said with a smirk.

"What street do you live on?"

Highly annoyed I answer "Glenpatti"

"Glenpatti what? Street, drive, lane, circle?"

FUCK. I look over at big daddy and beg him silently to somehow telepathically send me some sort of answer.

Overzealous bouncer then says "What's your sign?"

Double FUCK. "I totally don't believe in that stuff."

Then he made my heart fall out of my ass and said "you are gonna have to come with me." Super. My father in law whipped out about ten credit cards and told overzealous bouncer he could easily spend them elsewhere. I'm thinking "you're not fucking al pacino, put your credit cards away...were in enough trouble as it is!!"

We were escorted to the office where our pictures were taken and we had to sign something saying we would never return to the casino. Then they left us alone to go get the cops because apparently you get a one way ticket to jail for using a fake ID at a casino. My father in law turned to us and said "they can't arrest her if they can't find her." So big daddy grabbed my hand and we ran. Seriously. Who does that? As a side note, I was wearing stilettos and didn't really want to run in the first place. Plus the parking lot was made of gravel. I felt like I was stuck in a bad action movie.

We ran all through the parking lot with big daddy dragging my ass by my wrist. Just when we were about to cross the street a cop steps out from behind a car and says "You jest got yerself a one way ticket to jail missy!" I probably shit my pants right about then...it's all a blur really. BD looked at me and said "we wouldn't have gotten caught if you ran faster!!" I yelled back "I'M IN STILETTOS ASSHOLE!!" So the cop handcuffed me and I could have just died right then and there. He read me my rights and escorted me back toward the casino where a crowd was gathering. I'm not sure what inspired me to do what I did next, but I proceeded to throw myself on the ground like a toddler. I told the cop there was no way in hell I was walking in front of all those people while I was handcuffed and he would just have to drag me kicking and screaming. He actually took the handcuffs off for the rest of the walk. He probably thought I was retarded.

We were met by a police car and I was cuffed and stuffed and driven to a jail in the boonies of backwoods louisiana. The inlaws and BD followed in their car. I had to take a mug shot and put on a crusty orange jumpsuit. My mugshot made me look like a serial killer. I think it was the angle. And the streaks of mascara running down my face.

They finally bailed me out around 11pm. And do you know where those fuckers went? To another fucking casino. I had to sit in the kiddie gameroom with my mascara streaked face, bruised wrists, blood shot eyes and injured pride while they gambled. Because, ya know, wouldn't want to waste a trip to louisiana!

8 comments:

Amber D. said...

I'm dying. I can totally see you throwing yourself on the gravel parking lot, because, you know, that's less embarrassing than having to walk in cuffs.

I literally had to cover my mouth because I was laughing out loud and didn't want to get fired.

Samsmama said...

That just killed me! I can NOT believe they went gambling! Jerks. But props to them for trying to hook you up with the ID.

I carded a girl one time. On a total whim I asked her birthday. I about died when she got it wrong. And asking your sign? What an asshole.

Candice said...

You fucking criminal.

I think I will post a diddy about my time in the slammer. Oh it was a fun time indeed.

Shana said...

Oh. My. God.

LivingDeadNurse said...

how awful...i can't believe they still went to a casino...did u end up with record?

Mary said...

I'm not even sure what to say about the in-laws...you poor baby!
Props for the toddler I-have-no-bones routine...quick thinking!

~*~DawnSC~*~ said...

You're a bad ass! LMAO!

Can't believe they went gambling anyway! Assholes!

ramonassister said...

i think i just found my new favorite blog! omgoodness you are funny. found you on list of the day! thanks for the laughs!!