Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Just for the record, we've never actually killed anyone

This past weekend was BFF's birthday. We had a huge crawfish boil at my house and it was a blast! We had a great turnout and went through about ten cases of beer. We were playing flip cup (the most awesome game in the universe), and apparently beer disappears really quickly during that game.

Fast forward to last night. The crawfish had been sitting in the backyard in a cooler since Saturday. We were all too hungover to do anything with it until yesterday. So BFF comes over after work with trash bags in hand, ready to dispose of the stinky mess.

We walked out of the backdoor and were almost knocked out by the smell. Think about rotten seafood that has been baking in the sun for two days. Times ten. Yeah, it was hurl inducing. BFF cautiously walked over to the cooler, the cooler that was surrounded by flies, and opened the lid. The she started violently dry heaving while running away...far far away to the other side of the yard.

"There's....OMG there's maggots in it!!!!"

Okay, her just saying the m word made me want to puke. So we gathered our composure and did what came natural. We went inside and poured ourselves a glass of wine. We were just looking at each other with sheer terror in our eyes, because we knew what we had to do.

Me - "There has to be a better way. Let's think this through."
BFF - "I can't touch it. I'm definitely gonna puke."

Ten minutes and another glass of wine go by.

Me - "I've got a shovel!"
BFF - "A shovel! Genius!"
Me - "Get your game face on, it's time."

We pulled our shirts over our faces and drug the cooler of death around to the front of the house. I'm holding a shovel, she's holding trash bags, and there is a bottle of bleach sitting at our feet.

Me - "It looks like we are about to cover up a crime scene and bury a body."
BFF - "If there is a murder in this neighborhood tonight we are so gonna get questioned."

Right about that time big daddy's best friend pulled up in the driveway and volunteered to take the cooler of death to a dumpster!!! Sweet Jesus, we have a reprieve!!

After that deed was done we had to focus our attention on the boilers...which still had the water in them. The water that the crawfish were cooked in. We walked over to those. "Please don't let there be maggots, please don't let their be maggots..."

"You open yours first", I said to BFF. Because I'm a huge pussy. She reached over and pulled off the lid. THANK GOD. It was just gross red water. "Your turn." I took a deep breath and gathered my courage. Whew! That one was clean too.

The guys ended up dumping that down the storm drain. I know, like 17 violations right there. So they were dumping that and we were inconspicuously hosing down the driveway. At 8pm. We may as well be fitted for orange jumpsuits now.


LivingDeadNurse said...

lol shame shame!!

calicobebop said...

Too funny! Maggots are bad news. Thank God Big Daddy's best friend showed up! That was certainly man business.

Amber D. said...

I just really hope nobody committed a crime in your neighborhood yesterday, because we're all gonna be brought in. And I have enough jail stories to last me a lifetime, thankyouverymuch.

Word verification: nonate. Someone who won't give blood.

Anonymous said...

That is hysterical.... but one question.... why did you have to take the coolers to the front of the house to empty them?
(I'm an asshole - I know!!!)

Sassy Pants said...

Because that's where the trash can and shovel was. Duh! (It really made sense at the time.)

Shana said...

You are funny!!

(They use maggots to eat dead tissue out of really bad wounds!!)

Samsmama said...

I know I already read this, because I remember puking at the mention of maggots. Not sure why I didn't comment. Arrived here again via the world's laziest blog post. Just puked again.

Sassy Pants said...

OMG Shana, I just dry heaved at the thought of that.

Sarah said...

This exact thing happened to me with a cooler full of raw beef leftover from tailgating. I immediately taped the cooler shut with duct tape and left it on the curb for the garbagemen and pretended like it never happened. You know you're lazy when it's worth it to you to trash a $20 cooler than spend time cleaning it out. I'm with you, sister.

Also Shana is totally right about how maggots are used medically. I watched something on TLC about it, and I have never ever watched something with more fascination and more horror in my life. Oh God thinking about it makes me want to take a shower. Ugh.

Sorry for the longest comment ever.

Lisa said...

Just for the record, the guy did LEAVE the cooler in the dumpster, right? (This story makes me feel right at home...I always wait to long to clean up, too).

~*~DawnSC~*~ said...

I would have totally trashed a cooler before I would have messed with maggots! Forget that!