Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Boobs for sale, real cheap

Hooo leeee shit. My boobs hurt so bad. Like so, so incredibly bad I can't even put into words how bad they hurt. I did not have this issue when I was pregnant with my sweet little baby boy. I threw up every 30 minutes 24 hours a day, but I did not have this. I don't know how to deal with this. I figure selling them is the best option I've got at this point. They are so big that I was laying on my side last night and BD rolled over on to one. Like ON IT. I woke up out of a dead sleep and squeeled. I had to get him to move so I could un-wedge my boob from between his back and the mattress.

Oh and they're growing! As if they weren't big enough... hellloooo dolly parton. I lifted my shirt in the kitchen last night and told big daddy to hold them. "Just hold them and see how heavy these fuckers are!" He just stood there and laughed. "It's not funny. Why are you laughing?! You asshole you did this to me - I will cut you!" Then he had to leave the room because he got a boner and I won't let him have sex with me because I don't want to risk it. Also, the mood swings. Between the mood swings and no sex rule I'm surprised BD hasn't moved out. Seriously. I would have divorced my ass by now.

I made some cookies last night and put them on a plate on the coffee table and BB shoved three in his mouth like I can't count or something, so I reached over to grab another cookie for "the baby" and BD said "why don't you move that plate away from him?" I did an exorcist head spin and said "WHY DON'T YOU MOVE THE PLATE AWAY FROM HIM?!?!" And the logical answer is because I was already touching the plate, but the crazy answer was I don't like being told what to do apparently. Poor big daddy, he just pretended like I didn't go crazy psycho bitch on him and handed me another cookie. Then baby boy goes "why do I only get three cookies when mom ate SIX?!" To which I replied "three for me, three for the BABY - preschooler who can suddenly count!" I think he bought it.

Also, I'm starving and exhausted. I lay down on the couch every day when I get home from work. Then I wake up and want to go to bed at 730. And the eating? What the hell? I'm pretty sure it's not pc to call your embryo a fat ass, but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... For breakfast yesterday I had a bacon, egg, and cheese mcmuffin, a sausage and cheese kolache, and two glazed donuts.

I guess I can handle all of this. Anything is better than puking like I did with BB. Now I'm going home to take a nap. And possibly eat. Again.


MDubs said...

Listen my sister is pregnant and the other day she had a whole bag of twizzlers, some sour patch kids, cheetos, and a pumpkin donut from Dunkin Donuts in a two hour span. She then told me "Listen Megs the baby is really hungry and needs this stuff." Moral of the story, nothing wrong with blaming the baby.

AND, your post just made me bust out laughing at work, thank you.

Whitney said...

I'm trying to be sympathetic to the boobs crisis, really I am. But I'm 35 weeks and still an A cup. And not even a full one. And my nipples hurt like hell during my first two trimesters anyway. I got up to a B during my last pregnancy. I wonder if I'll even be a B while nursing this time. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a nursing bra in an A cup? Apparently, bra makers don't believe that you can lactate and be small. And storage capacity? What storage capacity? If the kid doesn't eat every 1-2 hours, I'm a gushing mess.

Enjoy the eating! It sounds like you're enjoying a much better 1st trimester this time around.

Spot said...

Hahaha. Sorry. But your misery is kinda funny. I totally sympathize with the squished booby. It's why I wear cotton bras to bed all the time. And when I breastfed my third I felt like I carried around gallon jugs of milk on my chest. I swear I could hear them sloshing.

Enjoy the not being pukey, the getting away with the mood swings, and the ability to eat everything around you. You know you'll pay for it all later. But you'll also have that sweet sweet baby to love.


calicobebop said...

Oh no! Not the boobs! That sucks. I don't which is worse - pain or nausea. Why can't pregnancy come without either?

Hang in there! After the first three months it's all downhill, right? I hope!

Anonymous said...

First let me say that I think you are hilarious! I am an ER doc in Texas who just found your blog and have been reading faithfully for the past week. Second, I also just found out I am pregnant (I think I am about a week behind you) after some bumps getting there. And I am also cursing my sore breasts. So thanks for the awesome blog!

Anonymous said...

Boobs for sale? How much, we need some spare at my house! BF is wearing be out1


Sassypants Wifey said...

Amen to Whitney, I feel her (small) pain.
So color me funnily surprised when i stumbled upon your blog (not cause I was drunk, cause i am a clumsy preganator) to see just how much we seem to have in common. I think it is law that the baby gets half of everything, sometimes more, cause they are growing, and that takes energy... Look forward to following!

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for an update! Hope everything is alright on your end.

Sharon said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to be laughing my butt off at the expense of your pain, but you are too freakin' funny!!!!! I loved this post!

Crystal said...

you need to blog more. how else am i supposed to keep up with you??