Friday, October 23, 2009

I am so Kreativ

Ha! I got tagged again bitches! Take that, mediocre blogs! (It still counts if my bff gives me the award, right? Cuz that kind of feels like cheating.) Anyhow, Amber...aka BFF, gave me the Kreativ Blogger award. Even though she would like to change it to "Creative Blogger", because she is a grammar nazi. But that's neither here nor there.



According to the rules, I'm supposed to list 7 interesting things about myself. I'm not very interesting, but I will do my best. Oh, and also I'm supposed to tag 7 people for this award. That, I can do.

1. When I pass a cow pasture (stop laughing, I live in TX) I like to think that people only keep cows so they don't have to mow the grass. I even asked big daddy if we could get a cow. It would save us a fortune on lawn service. He said only if we could get a goat too. Getting a goat for the backyard is like the dumbest idea ever. So it looks like we will neither be getting a cow or a goat because my husband is ridiculous.

2. Man, this is harder than I thought. hmmm My left boob is like way bigger than my right one. It's like they have that twin to twin transfusion syndrome and lefty is sucking the life right out of thelma. And before you ask, lefty used to be named louise but now she's so fat she doesn't look like a louise anymore.

3. Once I was slipped a roofie in college and I drove back to my dorm because I "wasn't feeling well" and a cop pulled in behind me and asked me to get out of the car and then I tripped on the seatbelt and fell flat on my face and he's all "this is probably a dumb question, but have you been drinking?" I'm all "I had one beer I SWEAR!" Granted, it was big ass beer night, but still it was only the one. Then the craziest thing happened, he told me I could go home or he could arrest me. Like, do people actually choose the latter option? So I crawled, yes CRAWLED, up the stairs to my dorm room and puked up everything that I had eaten in the past eight years. My roommate came home, checked my pulse, and went back out. God I miss college.

4. I dropped my infant brother on his head more than once. I'm fairly certain that's where most of his issues stem from, but there is no way in hell I'm fessing up to that one. Who leaves a 6 year old in charge of an infant anyways? It's like my mom was asking for me to damage his brain. Munchausen by proxy, anyone?

5. When I was three my dad left an entire glass of wine on the table when he went to take a shower and I drank the entire thing in about 2 minutes flat. They found me passed out, half on the couch, half off, with a firm grasp on my blankie and drool puddling on my shoulder. And that folks is when my lushiness all started. Thanks DAD.

6. Right before I walked down the aisle I was like super nervous, so my gma gave me something to "calm me down". She neglected to tell me it was a xanax. So yeah, I was pretty much high (low?) when I said I do. The minister was all "I could see that you were getting misty eyed." No, actually my eyes were glazed over from the narcotic. Thanks GMA.

7. I thought it would be a super fabulous idea to get my clit hood pierced for my 24th bday. And it was awesome for a while. It was new and special because nobody else had one. After a while I forgot about it. Until the labor and delivery nurse went to check my dilation and said "um, you're gonna have to take this out." I told her I hadn't even seen my vagina in 8 weeks so that wouldn't be possible. Nothing says humility like a 45 year old nurse trying to take out your vag piercing while your in labor. Good times.

There are my 7 things. I will tag people later. I'm getting hungry.

12 comments:

Nichole said...

Good for your college roomie for having the common sense to check your pulse, I don't think any of mine would have had the decency. And I was drunk at my wedding, my maid of honor brought me bagels and a bottle of champagne for breakfast, and I drank the whole bottle, and only ate half a bagel.

calicobebop said...

Sassy, I was in tears for this post. You are too funny. Drank your dad's wine at 3? Are you sure we're not related?

Whew - gonna have to go reapply make-up now.

Spot said...

Haha! Your best friend tagged me too so take that missy! Unfortunately that means that I can't tag you. Cause there's like no tagbacks or something. Wait, maybe that was recess in kindergarten. I get confused.

This was hilarious and you have set the bar really high so it will probably take me hours to come up with anything half as funny. Thanks for that.

Loved it.
♥Spot

Vodka Logic said...

oMG I needed that laugh. Gotta love college. and the piercing, priceless. and by the way you are interesting.

Amber D. said...

How have we been best friends for 24 years and I didn't know you were an adolescent wino? This does explain your penchant for wine though...

Word verif: allymo. "Remember the Allymo!!"

Mejis said...

omg Thanks for the laugh! lol
Congrats on the award.

Pearl said...

hysterical list! and wow to number seven!!! i thought i was edgy for deciding to remove my tongue piercing before going into labor, hahaha!!

His Girl not anymore said...

Wow, I read this blog sometimes and I don't know you but I swear I never would have thought you had one of "those" piercings...I guess when your blog has "Mommy" in the title people don't think clit ring...

Crystal said...

dude, when i first saw your #1, i had this warm feeling come over me because we think so much alike. and then i read further. i have been asking ryan if we can get a goat for the past 6 months. goats eat a lot and they are a lot less boring than cows who slobber all over you and will kick ya in the head if you're not paying attention. also, goats are much easier to dispose of when they die. i am with chris, yo. you should get a goat.

Kris said...

LOL - this was awesome!

Secretia said...

You sure are a fun blogger!
I'm following you!

Secretia

Abby*Lane said...

I miss your posts! and I hope all is well :)