Monday, September 14, 2009

Bathroom Conversations Part 17

Ahh the joys of marriage. Where the lines of modesty have long since vanished, and your husband tries to gross you out on purpose just for shits and giggles. Sweet, sweet marriage.

How I long to remember what it was like when I didn't know what my husband did with his balls when he took a shadoobie. The mystery was still there. For all I knew, he tied those long fuckers in a bow and put them on the back of the toilet. But now, NOW, 6 years into marriage, I know what he does. He rests them on the toilet seat like a delicate little package. No pun intended. I long to remember what it was like before I knew he clipped his toenails over the BATH TUB. And how I never knew why we had baby powder...before we even had a baby. Now I know. Sweaty crack. I digress.

Those days are long gone now. Now his idea of foreplay is "hey you wanna bang? It helps me fall asleep."

Back to this morning... A little back story...BD like to take a shit every morning when I'm brushing my teeth. How fucking gross is that?! There are THREE bathrooms in my house and he needs to use the one that I'm in? So, this morning in our bathroom:

Me - "Oh, I guess you came in here to take a shit again, right?!" (I'm not a morning person)
BD - "Are you about to brush your teeth?"
Me - "No, I just did"
BD - "Then no"

Then he grabbed the tweezers and plucked a stray hair off my nipple! WTF has happened to us?!

9 comments:

Blondie said...

I'm newly married so we still have our modesty. I wouldn't even crap while he was in the house for the longest time.

My last relationship was like that. I'd be in the shower when he'd take a crap. I knew his schedule and he would leave the door open despite the fact it was near the kitchen. I feel for you.

Lin said...

ha ha, we're 4 years into our marriage & we're just like this. I'm scared to know how much more 'comfortable' we'll be in 10.

Eww...

Mejis said...

Sounds like my relationship. lol

LivingDeadNurse said...

holy crap i think i married ur mans brother...lol

Courtney said...

Holy shit that's how my relationship is now and we aren't married.....

Oh and I get the "wanna hump?" all the time...

Oops, I forgot to mention that's what I ask him.....

gert said...

As a 20 year veteran of marriage, (indeed to the same man) the best advice I can offer is seperate bathrooms. The master bath belongs to myself and my daughter. The hall and the downstairs bath are "boys bathrooms". It's marvelous. My bathroom is so much easier to clean! And pleasenter to use. Now if I could only break him of the habit of sitting on the bed to watch me get ready to go somewhere. Seriously? Isn't there something on TV???

♥Gert

KatieDavis said...

LMMFAO!!! I seriously laughed so hard (out loud), 2 girls came in my office. You could get paid for commentary like this!

On topic now...I ask myself the same question time and time again about how we got here! The things that are considered "comfort zones" these days and the love language when it comes to sex. I get the "so...can we have sex tonight" and my response "no", then him "what about bj"!! What in the hell about no sex leads you to belive I would be up for the other!!!!

His Girl said...

OMG...my boyfriend, who I have been dating FOUR MONTHS (have been friends for 3 years just now got together, both of us single at the same time finally)...was getting ready for work and I needed to use the facilities, so I asked him to trade me spots (small bathroom, I was in the hall). I went in and went to shut the door and he INSISTED that I go ahead and do what I needed to do with him STANDING THERE BRUSHING HIS TEETH. I refused, (of course), and vowed to "hold it" until he was done. Seriously, he was insisting! FOUR MONTHS!

Ciarin said...

Geez, it never even occurred to me that they had to do something with the scrotum. And I have been married for something like 14 years. Wow.

Course I must be too focused on him washing his hands when he comes out!