Some Random Crap (no pun intended)

I was going to write a post about how hot big daddy is and how lucky I am to have him as my husband, but he's really been a douche bag for the past three days, so I'll save that little gem for another day. Instead, I'll tell you about clinicals last Friday.

I've been doing clinicals pretty sporadically because 1) I'm fucking busy and 2) I'd rather be at home with baby boy than at a hospital for 12 hours. The morning started pretty awesomely. I walked onto the unit and there is a full blown code happening. They yell at me to glove up. I look like a deer in the headlights because this lady looks like she is about to die. I put my gloves on and stand in the corner and pray to God no one needs me for anything important, because as far as nursing goes, I'm still pretty retarded. IV's were started, labs were taken, and she was intubated. Phew. The only thing I was asked for was a wet rag so the Dr. could wipe his face. Sweet. That is something I can totally handle. We were promptly floated down to the intermediate care unit (IMCU). I hate IMCU. It's boring. I'm used to being on the critical care unit. The CCU is exciting. People code. You get to see gross and fascinating stuff. It's awesome.

So my nurse and I trudge down to the stupid IMCU and get report on our patients. 91 year old female with dementia/had a stroke, 65 year old female with emphysema and COPD, 60 year old male heart attack, and an 83 year old woman who I'm still not sure what the hell was wrong with. She seemed perfectly fine, and I never gave her any meds. Whatever.

My lady with emphysema and COPD was a biznatch. She yelled at me from the time I got there to the time I left. "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!!" I go into her room and she has taken her oxygen off of her face for the 18th time. "Ms. CrabbyAss, you have to keep the oxygen on your face for it to work." Her daughter came out to the nurses station and looked at me with sympathetic eyes. She said "I know my mom is a huge pain in the ass, so I just wanted to apologize ahead of time." Glad I wasn't the only one that thought she was a pain in the ass. Not 20 minutes later came the "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!!" again. I'll be damned if she hadn't taken that mask off again. She is yelling at me over and over. I said, in my nicest voice ever "Ms. CrabbyAss, if you are able to yell at me, then you are able to breathe." That made her shut up for a glorious hour.

My guy with a heart attack was a peach. He didn't complain one bit. We went in to put an IV in him, not realizing he already had one. I snapped my fingers and said "darn, I was looking forward to practicing on you." He stuck his other arm out and said "you can do it on this arm darlin', needles don't bother me." What a trooper. And no, I did not put another IV in him just for practice.

Now for the coup de gras. The one thing that has ever happened that made me question my choice of profession. One of my friends that is also doing her clinicals at the same hospital came up to me and had this look of dispair on her face. I asked her what was wrong and she looked at me and said "I have to do a digital removal of a fecal impaction." So, of course I made fun of her. That's how we roll. My nurse heard me making fun of her and as punishment (plus he's kind of sadistic and likes to see me squirm) made me go help.

Stop reading if you're eating, and/or have a weak stomach.

This patient was a 95 year old woman that hadn't pooped in over four weeks. FOUR WEEKS. Do you know how painful that would be? Shellie and I gloved up, and lubed up. Please don't make me stick my finger in there...Please don't make me stick my finger in there... "SPM - come over here and feel this." Oh.ma.gah. He wants me to stick my finger up a butt. Not only that, but he wants me to stick my finger up a butt with the sole purpose of digging out poo. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

I slowly walked around the bed. I put a liberal amount of ky jelly on my finger. "Feel that and see if you think an enema would work." GAH! I put my finger in and didn't feel anything. Know why? Because I had missed and my finger was in her vagina. Can you say humiliation? I promptly remedied the situation and stuck it in the backdoor. My finger was met with a mass the size of a grapfruit that was literally as hard as a rock. At that point I stopped being so grossed out and started feeling really bad for this patient. I can't imagine how painful that must have been. It was a painstaking process, but we got it all out. She was so grateful and so relieved, and we left her resting peacefully for the first time in weeks.

When we left the room my nurse slapped me on the back and said "welcome to nursing!"