Thursday, August 6, 2009

Ghetto Chronicles: Part 7

As most of you know I live in Houston and work in one of the most ghetto fabulous parts of town...maybe not even ghetto fabulous, just plain ghetto. Today BFF and I decided to go to Jack in the Box for lunch. They have this meal deal where you get a cheeseburger, taco, fries and a drink for $2.99. No that is not a typo..$2.99!! And since were cheap and apparently don't care about our ever expanding asses, that is what we did.

We pulled up and it smelled like sewage in the parking lot. Awesome. Actually that's not even a rare smell for these parts. Then we walk in and it smells like a urinal cake. I verbally make note of it. BFF tells me to stop fucking analyzing smells because I'm ruining her appetite. So we order and get our grease wrapped in paper with a side of love handles and sit down. It was good. Of course it was good, it was probably the equivalent of 7,000 calories. Then we hop in the car and head on back to the office which is a couple of blocks away.

I pulled out of the parking lot onto the road and see a dude waiting to cross the street close to where we were. I didn't stop because he was fucking jaywalking and I had the right of way. So he speeds up when we get closer and I literally have to stomp on my brakes to keep from hitting this jackass. I really think he wanted me to hit him. So he's standing in front of my SUV's hood and our eyes meet. I give him my best "WHATTHEFUCKASSHOLE" look and he said, while standing in front of my CAR, "Yeah, you bettah stop BITCH! I'm a pedestrian!" Frankly, I'm shocked he even knew a word that big. I promptly flipped him off and said "FUCK YOU HOMELESS MAN!!" BFF doesn't think he was homeless, but I disagree because he was carrying a bottle of Windex. Clearly if you are carrying Windex you are using it to dive on cars at red lights to wash windshields and demand money. Because you are homeless! Take that BFF! I digress.

Word to the wise, homeless people of Houston, if another one of you assholes calls me a bitch while you are standing in front of my car, be prepared for your face to meet the asphalt.


Amber D. said...

A couple of things:

You also used the word "bile" while I was eating my lunch.

The guy's acid washed jeans looked fairly clean and he didn't have a beard, so he obviously has the means to wash clothes and shave. This would mean he's likely not homeless, just carrying around windex because he likes to.

You left out the tone of your voice when you yelled FUCK YOU HOMELESS MAN! It was almost so shrill that only dogs could hear it.

And if I have medical bills related to whiplash, that's all on you, batch.

{Kiki} said...

Wow! That's quite a lunch break. Glad he wasn't armed. I've been careful with my road rage lately. I don't trust anyone, whether it be a dude with Windex or an old lady blocking traffic. Take care.

Anonymous said...

Damn, I never have lunch breaks like that.... Nothing like a 7000 calorie lunch and a side of manslaughter to go with it. AWESOME!

Samsmama said...

First, LMAO @ Amber's comment!

Good for you. I know that pedestrians generally have the right of way, but seriously, don't push your luck.

Glad you didn't hit him. I mean, what if he'd lost a leg? Then someday he settled down with a homeless woman and they wanted to start a family. Think of the poor little one legged baby they'd have.

calicobebop said...

You know, I would think that you could have been entirely justified in running that jack-ass over based on bad manners alone! After all, you're in TX! Justice Rules!

Jack-in-the-box rules too. Mmmm, tacos...

Anonymous said...

Something like this happened to my husband except the bum climbed on top of his car and tried to get in through the sunroof. Greenspoint...

Sassy Pants said...

Amber - you should be used to me using medical jargon by now. How am I supposed to know what words gross you out?

Kiki - LOL at old lady blocking traffic! I usually have my road rage under control, but not with this a-hole.

Courtney - LOL at side of manslaughter! I totally would've gotten away with it. He was jaywalking!

Samsmama - your comment goes down in the comment hall of fame as the funniest comment ever written. Ever.

Calico - Jack in the box tacos are like the best cure for a hangover. I heart them.

Anon - Holy Shit. I have no words.

Crystal said...