ER Clinical Part Deux

I had another ER clinical this past weekend. It was MUCH better than the last fiasco. I had one patient that stood out most. And by stood out I mean makes for an awesome story.

A man came in with complaints of a swollen testicle. Guy looked like he was rode hard and put up wet. He had one of those beards that had no beginning and no end and just flowed right on down to mingle in with his chest hair. His wife had on a supermarket shirt and was wearing a hat that said "I fish, therefore I lie". She just kept playing her little pocket solitaire game completely oblivious to what was going on, except at one point she yelled out "elephantitis!" ??? Yeah, they were one of those couples. Anyhow, this is how that conversation went.

Me - "Sir, can you tell me what brough you in today?"
Sir - "Well my testicle began swelling last night and it hurts somethin' awful"
Me - "Why don't you pull your pants down and let us have a look at....OHMYCHRIST! WHAT ATE YOUR DICK?? ...is what I yelled in my head, but managed to keep a completely professional demeanor.

It took me a second to gain my composure and form my next line of questioning. I can't even begin to put into words how big this dudes balls were. Let's put it this way, they were so swollen that his nut sack didn't have any wrinkles on it anymore.

Me - "So, um, sir, has this ever happened before?"
Sir - "Well I had testicular cancer and had the left one removed, but not since then"

Jeezus, that's only ONE BALL??!! And his penis had swelled up to a size that would make Jenna Jameson's vagina cry for mercy.

Ahem.

Me - "Let me go get the doctor, I really think he needs to see this"

Guy ended up having cellulitis of the testicle. We admitted him for some major IV antibiotics. I was for sure they were gonna have to lop that shit right off. I'm secretly falling in love with the ER now.