Sign #17 that you may need to re-assess your parenting skillz

Last Saturday BD and I were upstairs getting ready to go to the rodeo. BB was downstairs eating his cereal. This is a pretty normal occurance in our house, and he can usually be trusted to be downstairs by himself. Usually.

Just as we were finishing getting dressed, BB appears at the top of the stairs wearing nothing but his pajama top. "Where are your pants?" I asked him. "I took them off! I'm ready to get dressed!" he shrieked. So I herded him into his bedroom to get dressed when I noticed something on his butt. It was brown. Do you know where I'm going from here?

"Did you poop in your pull-up BB?"

"No I did NOT poop in my pull-up mom!"

"Then why do you have poop on your butt?"

"Because I went poopie outside."

"You wha? Outside? Like a dog?!"

He smiled proudly at me and nodded his head. So I cleaned him up and marched downstairs and out the back door and sure as shit (pun intended) there it was. A little pile of boy turds two inches from my patio. I guess he squatted on the patio to give himself leverage. Who even thinks of pooping outside? Where does he come up with this stuff?

What the Frick, Work?!

Yesterday my boss called me into her office. I had been waiting for this meeting for months. It's the meeting where she tells me how much my raise is. I know this because it happens the same way, every.single.year.

The conversation begins. "You've done a great job this year...blah blah blah..good employee...blah...here is your salary increase" as she slides the yellow post-it across the desk like a ransom note. Smiling from ear, knowing it will be 6% because that's exactly what BFF got just two months previous, I turn the post-it over and almost have a fucking heart attack. No, this can't be right. 2.4%? Are you sure? Looking at her, looking back at the post-it, looking at her again to see if it's a joke. Maybe you misheard her over the phone? No? Have I done something wrong? What do you mean, cutbacks? They cut raises in half? THIS company cut raises in HALF?! The company* that made $14 BILLION in profit last year cut fucking raises in half?!?! I think I just had a stroke. What is this world coming to when our company has to make cutbacks??

I gave her a half-hearted smile and thought about everything for a second. When my blood pressure had made it down to a survivable level, I said to her with wholehearted honesty, "you know what, I'm just glad I still have job. This raise, no matter how small, is really just an added bonus." And it's true. There are so many people without work right now, so I'm going to count my blessings every day when I wake up because at least I have a job to go to.

However, if I get laid off, laid off from this company, I'll probably end up on the 10 o'clock news. Just sayin'.


*I'm not telling you who I work for but it wouldn't be hard to find out.

Warning: Mushy Post

Now that I'm done with my emotional breakdown I can start blogging again. I know what happened doesn't seem that significant to some people, but getting pregnant is something that has consumed my life for the past two years.

Last night I was in the bathroom getting a bath ready for baby boy. He was playing with his new tugboat on the floor. I was looking in the mirror, stretching my face, pulling my eyes up, messing with my hair. I think we all have those days. Those days where we've been beaten down, and we look in the mirror and think, "shit, is this all I really have to work with anymore?" I was having one of those moments, silently in my head. Then, as if he could read my mind, baby boy looked up at me and said, "momma, you're beautiful."

I began to cry. I picked him up and he wrapped his arms around my neck as tight as he could. I just held him there, his head nestled into my neck, and I cried. He patted my back with his little hand and whispered, "it's okay mommy." This whole time I've been searching for that missing piece of my family, and have forgotten what a wonderful gift I've already been given. My heart is overflowing with love for this little person. This little person that I was pregnant with, that I did give birth to, that I do get to hold every single day.

So baby boy, this is for you. I love you more than I could ever put into words. And I'm sorry for not realizing that my life was complete already.

Suck it CVS

I'm going to sue CVS for mental anguish. Drs office just called and my blood test came back negative. How in the fuckety-fuck did my stupid CVS pregnancy test turn positive then? Huh, CVS?? I would bitch slap you if you weren't made of brick. I'm taking my retard ovaries home and am going to cry into a glass of wine now.

My Doctor's Office is Trying to Kill Me

So I'm waiting on this phone call from my Drs office. My fertility drs office to be exact. You see, it all started last night when I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. The line was incredibly faint, but two other people have verified that said line is indeed there, just so you don't think I'm crazy and shit. However, this morning when I took another one, there was no line. WTF is that about? After all the issues that I've had it's like a swift kick in the nuts. That's what it is.

So instead of running out and buying a hundred more tests, I decided to cut to the chase and call my fertility dr for a blood test. I went at 9am this morning. Yeah they got me in early. I may have sounded a little frantic, but that's neither here nor there. They were supposed to call me at 2pm with the results. As you can see it is now 2:45pm and I am on the verge of vomiting because I am so nervous. Why are they doing this to me????

IM convo between me and BFF:


Me... why haven't they called me
Me... I feel like I'm going to puke
BFF... i don't know
BFF... maybe you should call them
Me... like right before I lost my virginity
BFF... it's two forty
BFF... wow
Me... that's how I feel
Me... except less drunk
BFF... um this is totally a completely different situation
BFF... like comparing a roller coaster to a snail
Me... true, but both could have ended in pregnancy

I will update you all as soon as I hear something. Unless I die from sheer anticipation. Then I'll have BFF guest post for me.

My Birthday Weekend

As most of you probably don't know, (because I think this is the only place I didn't advertise daily that my birthday was coming up), my 29th birthday was Saturday. My parents came into town to help me celebrate, along with several friends. We grilled steaks, hung out out on the patio, and played catch phrase....the best game known to man. It was awesome. In fact, it was so awesome, I had two birthday cakes. Big daddy got me one and BFF got me one. I'm thinking they didn't collaborate with eachother beforehand. Both cakes** were chocolate so it was all good. here they are:

This one is from Big Daddy. He got one of my baby pics put on the cake...he is a pretty awesome hubby. This baker obviously failed Centering & Spacing: 101.

This one is from BFF. She came in all pissed off. Apparently she asked for dots and got roses. And the birthday phrase was all jumbled. I guess the baker was all, "it's my shop and I'll do whatever the fuck I want with Amber's cake."

I had clinicals on Saturday and took care of the rudest patient EVER. Oh, and he was a transvestite. I'm saving that story for tomorrow :)

**I'm guessing my anonymity is out the window now. Don't be stalking me or anything.

Because I Know You Love Pictures

Big daddy and I went to a concert a couple of weekends ago with BFF and BFF's boyfriend. I don't get out much since I'm so busy, but when I do get out I usually end up embarrassing my husband. Enjoy the pics!!

I seriously have no recollection of doing the booty-bump on my husbands crotch. I get very friendly when I've been drinking.

Waiting not so patiently for the concert to start...

Not getting cell phone reception. It really hindered my drunk dialing.



Yes, BFF, he does have a nice ass :)

Still no reception, and apparently this confuses me a great deal

I didn't get the memo to use "rock star tongue" in this picture

I looked at the pictures on the camera and was convinced that my head is "THIS BIG" compared to everyone elses

BFF, aka Little Miss OCD had to clean the table. She has issues.

Best friends for 24 years!