1. The bathtub in BB's bathroom, when half full, holds enough water to flood not only the bathroom, but the hallway as well.
2. When BB's bathroom is flooded, it takes no less than 7 beach towels to clean it up.
3. BD can turn several shades of red when his big screen tv is colored on with a crayon.
4. Add two more shades of red when he realizes the crayon wasn't the washable kind.
5. There is enough baby powder in the bottle to cover a small boy from head to toe, with enough left over to make footprints throughout the house.
6. Our dog, unlike most, walks away and sulks in a corner when jabbed in the face with a fork.
7. Pampers hold more pee than I even thought could come out of a baby.
8. There is no brand of diaper that will hold in diarrhea. I promise.
9. If you take a diaper off too quickly in the morning, it usually results in getting peed on.
10. Little boys think it's funny to pee on things and their Moms.
11. I've developed catlike reflexes when dodging pee streams.
12. Contrary to popular belief, a crayon can get stuck up a dogs nose.
13. Said dog doesn't think it's quite as funny as the boy who put it there.
14. You do get used to sleeping with a foot lodged in your cheek.
15. You do not get used to being jolted awake by a little finger in your nose.
16. When your son comes in the house and says "guess what I caught", do NOT let him open his hands in the kitchen. Escort him outside, stand back, and say "okay, now you can let mommy see".
17. When you get out of the shower and your son picks up your underwear and says "You need to put these back on", it's time to stop being naked in front of him.
18. Dads don't think it's as funny as Moms when their son walks around with heels on and a bra on his head.
19. When you force a little boy to wear big boy underwear that really, really doesn't want to, the result is him getting on all fours, pulling those underwear to the side, and peeing on your carpet.
These are all true stories. BB is only 2, I don't even want to think about what he has in store for me in the future.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Houston Driving is Going to Kill Me
Will the texas department of public safety give ANYONE a drivers license these days? My commute to work is like Houston's version of the Indy500. I don't see that much multi-tasking going on in my office!
I live 8 miles from my job. 8! How long does it take me to get to work? 45 effing minutes. Ridonculous. I fear for my life every morning as I merge onto the road along with 4 million other people trying to get to work as fast as possible.
We've got the chick in the bmw who can't possible get up 10 minutes early to do her makeup at home. Why do it at home when your car is a perfectly acceptable place to do your liquid eyeliner?? I missed a green light this morning because this dumbass was elbow deep in mascara and eyeshadow.
Then we've got the homeless people who practically swarm your car looking for money. To buy what I assume is a 40 judging by the littering of paper bags around their "bed" under the overpass. If I hit one someday I am not stopping. Just sayin'.
Then we've got the construction. I think it's an inside joke the city has with contractors. Let's see how long we can possibly drag this tiny little project out for. Then we can move the cones around every night so it's complete and utter chaos every morning! Then we can have the construction workers make lude and vile gestures at the poor women just trying to get to work! I won't even go into that because I shudder every time I think about it.
And last, but certainly not least, we have the foreigners. You people know what I'm talking about. The ones who cut across four lanes of traffic to exit the freeway. One yesterday had his blinker on to get in the turning lane. No one let him in so he just sat there, with 70mph traffic whizzing by. Completely stopped, with traffic in that lane either swerving to miss him, or burning rubber trying to stop behind him.
It's days like these that I thank God I live in the 'burbs. I wouldn't make it in the city!
I live 8 miles from my job. 8! How long does it take me to get to work? 45 effing minutes. Ridonculous. I fear for my life every morning as I merge onto the road along with 4 million other people trying to get to work as fast as possible.
We've got the chick in the bmw who can't possible get up 10 minutes early to do her makeup at home. Why do it at home when your car is a perfectly acceptable place to do your liquid eyeliner?? I missed a green light this morning because this dumbass was elbow deep in mascara and eyeshadow.
Then we've got the homeless people who practically swarm your car looking for money. To buy what I assume is a 40 judging by the littering of paper bags around their "bed" under the overpass. If I hit one someday I am not stopping. Just sayin'.
Then we've got the construction. I think it's an inside joke the city has with contractors. Let's see how long we can possibly drag this tiny little project out for. Then we can move the cones around every night so it's complete and utter chaos every morning! Then we can have the construction workers make lude and vile gestures at the poor women just trying to get to work! I won't even go into that because I shudder every time I think about it.
And last, but certainly not least, we have the foreigners. You people know what I'm talking about. The ones who cut across four lanes of traffic to exit the freeway. One yesterday had his blinker on to get in the turning lane. No one let him in so he just sat there, with 70mph traffic whizzing by. Completely stopped, with traffic in that lane either swerving to miss him, or burning rubber trying to stop behind him.
It's days like these that I thank God I live in the 'burbs. I wouldn't make it in the city!
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