The difference between moms and dads

Last night I went with my sister in law to help her register for the twinsies. We hit up babies r us, which is the mecca for baby stuff. That probably wasn't the best idea because it was kind of like taking an alcoholic to Oktoberfest. She even let me use the scanner because she's awesome like that. Actually towards the end she was so overwhelmed she just told me to scan whatever. Which was awesome. I think my womb started to sob while we were in there. Anyhow, towards the end of the trip I walked over to the bath products because baby boy has been out of bath soap for a few days. What I didn't know was that BD had also picked up some soap while he was in Target. These are the results:

Can you tell who got what?

Holy blog neglect, batman!

Do I even have any readers left? Have you guys all left me for the way-funnier-than-me Matter of Fact Mommy? That's cool. I love her too.

So I've pretty much been sick for the better part of 2009 and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. First it was pneumonia, then the chest pain, and last week I'm 99% sure i had the fucking flu. I'm like a walking microbiology lab. Maybe I could make some extra cash serving as such. Yeah kid, just swab the back of my throat or my nose. You'll get like eleventy billion viruses! Score! I've been joking with big daddy that I probably have AIDS. He doesn't appreciate humor the way I do.

I'm fairly certain I've been so sick because of stress beating down my immune system. My hair is falling out in clumps and I've developed insomnia all for the great pursuit of becoming a nurse. I just started level III of nursing and HOLY HELL. The first two levels were like laying on a beach in Maui sipping cocktails compared to this shit. It took me a week just to get a pretty good understanding of the syllabus. I did manage to sneak in a quasi vacation before I started this semester. My carpal tunnel (what am I, 90?) is acting up so I'll let you see that little story over at BFF's blog. I say quasi vacation because my idea of a vacation does not include having to hover over the toilet seat for fear of catching an STD and wearing flip flops in the shower so I don't get toe crabs. That's just me though, I can be uptight about stuff like fucking 6 people in 48 hours.

What else is new? Oh, I'm also taking a speech class this (5 week summer!) semester because apparently I took the wrong one. That's not an email anyone appreciates getting. This is how awesome I am...I started the class yesterday, and finished TODAY. It's online so you can work as quickly as you want and I wanted to get it out of the way. Two days is probably like some sort of school record or something. I should look into that. I literally worked for 7 hours straight yesterday and 6 hours straight today to finish that shit.

AND I'm finally getting moved here at work so I don't have to work for satan herself anymore. And I'm really excited about that and also really nervous because I don't handle change very well. I had diarrhea for a week after we re-arranged the living room, so there's no telling what this is going to do to me. The thought of having to change buildings makes me break out in hives.

That is all for now...off to check up on my favorite blogs!

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I think I might pick up one of each. 30% is a pretty good deal for babies and boys!

Just for the record, we've never actually killed anyone

This past weekend was BFF's birthday. We had a huge crawfish boil at my house and it was a blast! We had a great turnout and went through about ten cases of beer. We were playing flip cup (the most awesome game in the universe), and apparently beer disappears really quickly during that game.

Fast forward to last night. The crawfish had been sitting in the backyard in a cooler since Saturday. We were all too hungover to do anything with it until yesterday. So BFF comes over after work with trash bags in hand, ready to dispose of the stinky mess.

We walked out of the backdoor and were almost knocked out by the smell. Think about rotten seafood that has been baking in the sun for two days. Times ten. Yeah, it was hurl inducing. BFF cautiously walked over to the cooler, the cooler that was surrounded by flies, and opened the lid. The she started violently dry heaving while running away...far far away to the other side of the yard.

"There's....OMG there's maggots in it!!!!"

Okay, her just saying the m word made me want to puke. So we gathered our composure and did what came natural. We went inside and poured ourselves a glass of wine. We were just looking at each other with sheer terror in our eyes, because we knew what we had to do.

Me - "There has to be a better way. Let's think this through."
BFF - "I can't touch it. I'm definitely gonna puke."

Ten minutes and another glass of wine go by.

Me - "I've got a shovel!"
BFF - "A shovel! Genius!"
Me - "Get your game face on, it's time."

We pulled our shirts over our faces and drug the cooler of death around to the front of the house. I'm holding a shovel, she's holding trash bags, and there is a bottle of bleach sitting at our feet.

Me - "It looks like we are about to cover up a crime scene and bury a body."
BFF - "If there is a murder in this neighborhood tonight we are so gonna get questioned."

Right about that time big daddy's best friend pulled up in the driveway and volunteered to take the cooler of death to a dumpster!!! Sweet Jesus, we have a reprieve!!

After that deed was done we had to focus our attention on the boilers...which still had the water in them. The water that the crawfish were cooked in. We walked over to those. "Please don't let there be maggots, please don't let their be maggots..."

"You open yours first", I said to BFF. Because I'm a huge pussy. She reached over and pulled off the lid. THANK GOD. It was just gross red water. "Your turn." I took a deep breath and gathered my courage. Whew! That one was clean too.

The guys ended up dumping that down the storm drain. I know, like 17 violations right there. So they were dumping that and we were inconspicuously hosing down the driveway. At 8pm. We may as well be fitted for orange jumpsuits now.

Nothing like spending a night in the ED

Yesterday I started having some chest pains. They began as a mild annoyance and progressively got worse, radiating up my neck and into my jaw. The worse the pain got, the harder it was for me to breathe. I started to think I was having a heart attack. You may think I'm being a little dramatic, but my father dropped dead from a heart attack at the age of 38, so I take chest pain pretty seriously.

I drove myself to the ED and was triaged immediately. BD brought baby boy to BFF's house and met me there.* Shockingly, everyone that worked in the ED was really nice. My ECG came back normal so they drew a metric ass ton of blood, hooked up an IV, and put me in a triage area. I was stuck in a room with a 400 lb woman who was also complaining of chest pain and her mother. They did not shut.the.fuck.up the entire time we were in there. She kept talking about her sons Billy and Willie. I couldn't make this shit up.

The nurse gave me some morphine for the pain (never had that before and HOLY HELL is that good stuff). After my pain meds started kicking in I looked at the nurse and said "I bet her chest would stop hurting if she shut her mouth for one fucking second". She then closed my curtain and turned off my light. I think she was hoping I would go to sleep.

My bloodwork came back normal, but I had elevated d-dimer...indicating that I could possibly have a blood clot. So they prepped me for a CT scan of the chest. Another nurse wheeled me back and injected the contrast into my IV. My vag got really hot and tingly and my mouth had a funny taste in it. Much like a typical night in college. I digress...

The CT scan was clear, no pulmonary embolism, thank God! They drew more blood for another cardiac enzyme test three hours later, which also came back normal. They asked if I had been under a lot of stress. I laughed. Out loud. I said "I work full time, go to nursing school full time, and I have a three year old. What do you think?"

The doctor said my chest pain was most likely brought on by stress and the tests showed no damage to my heart. Yay for that! Now I just gotta learn how to relax. I don't even remember how to relax. Any pointers?

*He also sat in the corner of my room watching the basketball game the whole time.

You should always pee BEFORE you get in bed

Big daddy went out with a friend on Saturday and I stayed home with baby boy. Because I'm a cool wife and I like spending quality time with the baby. We watched Madagascar 2 and ate popcorn and played monster trucks for a while. It was awesome. We went to bed around 10 and were sleeping peacefully, until BD got home. It was obvious he was a little inebriated because I could smell his dragon breath from across the room.

He climbed in bed with the finesse of an elephant and was out in about two seconds. About an hour later I'm jarred awake by stuff falling off of my nightstand. I pop up and see BD with one knee on my night stand and one hand bracing himself on the wall. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I said in a yell-whisper so as not to wake the baby. "I'm just looking for something." Yeah, okay, get your drunk ass back in bed.

So he walks over to the bathroom, slamming his knee into the corner of the foot of the bed and stepping on the dogs head along the way. So now pretty much every living thing in our house is annoyed with him. He was in the bathroom for about 5 minutes, with the light off, by the way. Then he walks back into the bedroom and over to the window. He pulled the drapes back and started lifting up the blinds. Not by the blind lifty cord, by the bottom of the blinds. "WHAT.THE.FUCK.ARE.YOU.DOING???" My yell whisper was getting louder at this point. "I have to pee." "The bathroom is that way dumbass!" So he closes the drapes, walks back over to the bathroom, locates the toilet and does his business. He made his way back to the bed and didn't cause any more commotion for the rest of the night. Of course he had no recollection of the nights happenings the next morning.

My In-Laws Are a Bad Influence: Example #72

You see that building up there? Yeah, I'm never allowed to go there ever again. Like, for the rest of my life. It all started about 10 years ago (jesus I'm old) when my in-laws decided we should take a little trip over to Louisiana for a super fun night of gambling. Awesome, I thought! One problem though, I was only 19 at the time. If you check your handy dandy law book, you'll see that the legal gambling age in Louisiana is 21. No problem, said the in-laws...we'll get you a fake ID! Great! So we made the call to big daddy's sister and asked her if we could borrow her ID. She brought it over and we were on our way to a night of debauchery. Well, as much debauchary as you can have with your inlaws.

I memorized that ID from top to bottom on the three hour drive across the state line. Name, birthday, address...I had it down. We pull up to the casino and walk in. The over zealous bouncer looks at each ID, then he gets to mine. He looks at it and back at me like four hundred times. I didn't realize before, but my sister in law is 5'2" and I'm 5'6". Plus she has green eyes and I have brown. Plus we pretty much look nothing alike except that we are both caucasian.

"When's your birthday?"

"May 22" I said with a smirk.

"What street do you live on?"

Highly annoyed I answer "Glenpatti"

"Glenpatti what? Street, drive, lane, circle?"

FUCK. I look over at big daddy and beg him silently to somehow telepathically send me some sort of answer.

Overzealous bouncer then says "What's your sign?"

Double FUCK. "I totally don't believe in that stuff."

Then he made my heart fall out of my ass and said "you are gonna have to come with me." Super. My father in law whipped out about ten credit cards and told overzealous bouncer he could easily spend them elsewhere. I'm thinking "you're not fucking al pacino, put your credit cards away...were in enough trouble as it is!!"

We were escorted to the office where our pictures were taken and we had to sign something saying we would never return to the casino. Then they left us alone to go get the cops because apparently you get a one way ticket to jail for using a fake ID at a casino. My father in law turned to us and said "they can't arrest her if they can't find her." So big daddy grabbed my hand and we ran. Seriously. Who does that? As a side note, I was wearing stilettos and didn't really want to run in the first place. Plus the parking lot was made of gravel. I felt like I was stuck in a bad action movie.

We ran all through the parking lot with big daddy dragging my ass by my wrist. Just when we were about to cross the street a cop steps out from behind a car and says "You jest got yerself a one way ticket to jail missy!" I probably shit my pants right about then...it's all a blur really. BD looked at me and said "we wouldn't have gotten caught if you ran faster!!" I yelled back "I'M IN STILETTOS ASSHOLE!!" So the cop handcuffed me and I could have just died right then and there. He read me my rights and escorted me back toward the casino where a crowd was gathering. I'm not sure what inspired me to do what I did next, but I proceeded to throw myself on the ground like a toddler. I told the cop there was no way in hell I was walking in front of all those people while I was handcuffed and he would just have to drag me kicking and screaming. He actually took the handcuffs off for the rest of the walk. He probably thought I was retarded.

We were met by a police car and I was cuffed and stuffed and driven to a jail in the boonies of backwoods louisiana. The inlaws and BD followed in their car. I had to take a mug shot and put on a crusty orange jumpsuit. My mugshot made me look like a serial killer. I think it was the angle. And the streaks of mascara running down my face.

They finally bailed me out around 11pm. And do you know where those fuckers went? To another fucking casino. I had to sit in the kiddie gameroom with my mascara streaked face, bruised wrists, blood shot eyes and injured pride while they gambled. Because, ya know, wouldn't want to waste a trip to louisiana!