The Day Grandma Got a Tattoo

...on her ass.

It all started the first thanksgiving BD and I hosted at our new home. It was shortly after we were married, and baby boy hadn't come along yet. Trust me, this is pertinent information. Let me start off by saying that my gma is not like ordinary gma's. She is the most awesome gma in the entire universe. She is down with hip slang and shares my sense of humor. For example, she calls Pinot Grigio (the wine) penis george. I don't know why and I don't ask but it is damn funny.

So my gma and aunt came to stay with me the night before thanksgiving to help me prepare for the feast. We ordered take out and were preparing stuff for the next day. I opened a bottle of wine. We quickly finished said bottle of wine. It went pretty quick because we were laughing and having a great time. I think we opened another bottle when the topic of tattoos came up. My gma said, "you know, I think I want to get one." I was like "okay, if you want one so bad let me take you to my guy." I completely called her bluff. Then she said, "okay, if you're driving!"

So the three of us piled into my aunts car, and drove half way across town to my tattoo guy. I walk in with two 65 year old women, and we were met with an array of looks. He hugged me and asked if I was there for another and I said, "nope, my gma wants one this time." He shrugged his shoulders and said "sweet! Wish my gma was that cool!"

There was a little bit of a wait so we went to the pool hall next door and ordered a bucket of corona. We were all a teensy bit inebriated by the time it was her turn, so I called big daddy (like the responsible adult I am) and told him we needed a ride home. The conversation went a little something like this:

SPM - "hey big daddy, I need you to come get us."

BD - "where are you guys? There is a turkey in the sink and two empty wine bottles on the table."

SPM - "Yeah, about that...I'm gonna need you to come get us at the tattoo parlor"

BD - "no, seriously, where are y'all?"

SPM - "We are seriously at the tattoo place, can you please just come get us."

BD - "Are you getting another tattoo? With your grandmother?!"

SPM - *giggle* "Not exactly, just come up here"

BD - "Well what the...never mind, I'll be there in twenty"

Big Daddy has learned not to ask too many questions in situations like this.

Meanwhile, Gma picked out a cross tattoo just like the one I have on my right ass cheek. Plus she is a really devout catholic, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. I know, stop laughing. She decided she wanted it on her ass too. So we went to the back and she dropped trou. I still couldn't believe what was happening. She was a freaking trooper. She didn't even grimace! I don't know if it was the wine or her pain tolerance level, but when I got mine I was squirming like a baby.

In walks Big Daddy as he sees my gma getting a tattoo....on her ass. I can't even put into words the look that was on his face. I was all "take a pic of it on your camera and send it to gpa." He's like "the fuck I am! I don't want him to be pissed at me." He ended up doing it because I threatened to withhold the vagina for two weeks. He sent the picture with a message that just said "They made me do it."

Our tattoos look similiar to this, but with color:

Driving home, BD looked at us and said, "never in my life did I think I would be the designated driver for you three."

The next day gpa had a conversation with big daddy about "keeping the ladies under control" or something. I think he secretly likes the tattoo.

And that, my friends, is a thanksgiving I will never forget.

Google and the Freaks That Use It

This is the post where I let google do the writing for me. Without further ado, google searches that led people to my blog:

Flu - no thanks, I've more than filled my flu quota for the year.

pregnant using seasonique - I don't think you're using it right. Mass hemorrhaging maybe, but not pregnancy.

seasonique + awful - welcome, you've come to the right place.

titskies - I swear to God I have never in my life used the word titskies. I do own a pair though.

south texas carnies - four words for you, google searcher... do.not.trust.them!

Wordless Wednesday

There was a cherub in my bed this weekend...

Cartoons That Torture Me

Like most children his age, Baby Boy loves his cartoons. I feel guilty plopping him down in front of the TV, but I'm so busy lately that I have no choice. If I didn't occasionally do this we wouldn't have dinner, clean laundry, and a mom that showers.

I've compiled a list of his favorite cartoons, and an explanation of each in case you don't have a three year old at home. Let's just say, cartoons have changed a lot since I was a kid. Whatever happened to the Flintstones and Smurfs?

1. Wow-Wow Wubbzy - an unidentifiable creature that says "wow-wow" before every sentence. And yes, it is as annoying as you think it is. I just recently figured out that Wubbzy was a he. He also says stuff like bally-ball, kickety-kick, and bakety-bake. It makes me want to stickety-stick a forkety-fork in my eye.


2. Spongebob Squarepants - a yellow sea sponge (but looks more like a kitchen sponge?) that resides in Bikini Bottom. He lives in a pineapple, works as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab making Krabby Patties, and has a pet snail named Gary. Overall, he's not a bad guy except for his incessant fingernails-on-a-chalkboard laugh. Oh, and he wears tighty whiteys.


3. Yo Gabba Gabba - This is the kind of stuff that haunts my nightmares. Look at that freak show in the orange hat. His name is DJ Lance Rock. Rock is the last thing I want to do when this guy is on the TV. It's like a show straight out of the 70's with its retro music and psychedelic special effects. The characters names are Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodie, and Plex. This show was definitely created when someone was on a bad acid trip.

4. Ni Hao, Kai Lan - This is a cartoon about a Chinese girl and her animal friends. She speaks in half English and half mandarin. Like my kid isn't confused enough by English and Spanish. We live in Texas for fuck's sake. And by the way, I'm slightly disturbed by the ratio of her head and body size, not to mention how freakishly far apart her eyes are. When she wakes the sun up she tickles him, and then says "ohhh, sun fuzzies!" So I tried that with BB the other morning and he looked at me with a grimace and said "you know mommy, the sun doesn't really talk." Well excuse me person-that-has-been-on-this-earth a mere 38 months!

5. Max & Ruby - Max and Ruby are brother and sister that live alone...I have no idea what happened to their parents. Max is the small one. This little bastard has taught my son to revert back to baby talk to get what he wants, and then subsequently throw a huge tantrum when I don't respond. Thanks Nickelodeon.

6. Dora the Explorer - Hey, Nickelodeon, Dora and explorer don't rhyme. Dora speaks in half Spanish and half English, which is cool until BB starts speaking to me in Spanish and I have no idea what the hell he is talking about. Then he looks at me like I'm the dumbass. And whoever is the fashion coordinator on this show should be fired. Pink shirt, orange shorts, and yellow socks? WTF?

They Just Keep Coming...

The bad days that is. I had a really bad night at school. I am not going into that right now because it gives me a headache just thinking about it. So this morning I get baby boy all ready for pre-school. I'm proud of the fact that I'm not running late for once. I pull into the school and get BB out of his carseat when I notice....that he is not wearing shoes. What kind of a mother forgets to put shoes on their child?! WTF is wrong with me? So of course when we walk in BB shouts, "My mommy forgot my shoes!! HAHAHA!!!" Nice.

At Least I Still Have a Job

This week has been pretty craptastic to say the least. First, the stopping smoking thing has not really been working out for me. Mainly because I didn't stop smoking, and that puts a hinder on quitting. Well that's not actually true. I did stop. For 5 days. And I turned into such a mean and nasty person that BD actually stopped the car and bought me some smokes. So apparently, he would rather be married to someone with lung cancer than someone that is a raving lunatic and/or huge bitch.

Then on Monday, I was in such a bad mood, and my boss completely pushed me over the proverbial edge. There was a box in my office when I came back from lunch. Then she walked in, and the conversation went a little something like this:

Boss - "Why haven't you sent these books out, they're a month overdue"
SPM - "Dude, today is the first time I've even seen said box."
Boss - "This box has been sitting in my office for a month! It should have been done!"
SPM - "Well, if it's been in your office, how am I supposed to know about it?"
Boss - "You open my mail don't you? You should have opened the box!"
SPM - "That doesn't even make sense!"

So then she stomps out and I begrudgingly get the labels made and envelopes to send out these stupid journals. I walk over and open the box and it is not.even.books. It is stuff she left at the hotel on her last business trip. I was livid. I drug that damn box back into her office, stood up, put my hands on my hips. And then I verbally bitch slapped her.

"Next time you want to yell at me about something not being done, make sure you open the damn box first!!!"

So yeah. Then we had an hour and a half meeting about respect or something. And she took away my 4 day-10 hour work schedule. Do you know what that means? It means I have to work fucking Fridays again. GAH! So basically my new year's resolution has come back to bite me in the ass. I will never make another resolution. Mark my words!

Honest Scrap Award

I got tagged by Matter of Fact Mommy for the Honest Scrap Award. I have to list ten things about myself that are, I'm guessing, honest? Sooo, I will do my best. Try not to laugh too hard.

1. I have four tattoos. Two of them have special meaning, one of them was rebellious, and one of them is the same as the one on my gma's ass. I'll tell you that story later.

2. On my 24th birthday I pierced my girly place. Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. I screamed curse words I didn't even know I knew. The piercing came out the day I gave birth to baby boy.

3. I have been in college since 1998. My parents call me a career student. I just call me indecisive with an insatiable appetite for learning.

4. I'm infertile. At 28 years old I know that I will never have another child. Ever. It makes me cherish baby boy, and has turned me into a neurotic, super over protective mother. BFF can totally atest to this.

5. I love nursing. Absolutely LOVE it. I can't believe people get paid to do it. I'm a nurturer, and I love taking care of people in general, so this is definitely my calling in life.

6. I have a serious, debilitating phobia of clowns and people wearing masks. Even typing the c word out gives me the chills. This one time in Vegas one of them came out of nowhere in the casino and was all up in my face and I punched him. I left big daddy there to apologize while I hyperventilated in the bathroom.

7. I met BD at a keg during a frat party my first year of college. Romantic, eh?

8. My father passed away 7 years ago from a massive heart attack. He was 37 years old.

9. My grandmother is the most amazing human being I have ever known. She is pretty close to being a saint in my book.

10. Every woman in my family has huge boobs.

I'm going to tag:

Calicobebop
Amber D at Everybody's Working for the Weekend
I Need a Martini Mom
Crystal at It's Not Me, It's You
Leslie at Stethoscopes and Stilettos