An Open Letter to My Cold/Flu/Pneumonia

Dear Cold/Flu/Pneumonia,

I know you have happily resided in my sinus/head/lung region for oh, I don't know, about two weeks now. This is your notice of eviction, bitch. You have completely worn out your welcome in this host. Don't you think it's time to go torment someone else? Get a new, fresh set of lungs? Mine are pretty much on their death bed right about now. I've been hacking up stuff that is unrecognizable to me at this point. And I'm practically a nurse, so that's pretty scary. When I breathe in and out I'm wheezing like a fat asthmatic kid that just ran a half lap with a coach screaming in his face. Surely this is not a good sign. I tried to look up wheezing in my nursing book last night but then I started coughing so hard that my eyes started watering and then I couldn't even see to read anything. So thanks, mucus, thanks for making me sick and blind. Wheezing could mean that I'll be dead in three days, but I'll never know now.

Signed,
Sneezy McCoughy

I spoke to my mom last night and she's all "Oh my God, are you sick again?!" And I'm all, "NO MOM, it's the same DAMN COLD!" And then she's all, "So then you're going to the doctor tomorrow, right?" And I'm all, "No, I'm going to a little thing called work." And then she's like "I think you mean to say no ma'am." (Then I silently cursed the fact that I still get in trouble for not saying ma'am to her). Then came the "Do you need me to call your boss?" And then I hung up on her. I love my mom.

Wordless Wednesday

I hope you all have a safe and happy New Year's Eve!!!

Post Christmas Post..hehe

Hello there doogs, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! We certainly did. BB hit the motherload as far as gifts are concerned. I thought I would give you a little taste of our Christmas by doing a picture post...Enjoy!

This is what I opened with frantic anticipation from BD. No, I'm not kidding. He probably wishes I were kidding right about now though. That's the last time he will give me anything in a box that says "as seen on TV".



Ahhh, but my mother in law's gifts make up for it....

I had no idea how shitty my camera was until I actually got a nice one! My old camera was 4.0 megapixels, and this one is 10. That's SIX more megapixels for those of you that didn't major in math.

Yeah, she's pretty awesome, don't be jealous.

I just like this picture. It's our oldest boxer, Tyson, on Christmas morning. I was eating a cookie*, cuz I'm healthy like that, and he really wanted one. It looks like he's praying.

Tree at in-law's house, with the presents creeping towards the kitchen....

Santa, that fat bastard, got the credit for the most awesome toy evah...

Yeah, he loved it. I think he even squealed like a little girl at one point.

Ahh, now I bring you to Kota the Triceratops. What.the.fuck. This big ass dinosaur is now sitting in the middle of my living room. And if you walk by it, it kind of growls at you. Like it's cat calling me. Like I really needed another pervert living at my house.

So that about sums up our Christmas morning. Which reminds me, I hate the time right after Christmas, it's very anti-climactic an depressing. Tell me the best part about your Christmas morning to cheer me up :)


*(I was drinking mimosa's too, what about it?)

Tuesday Meme

I stole this from Matter of Fact Mommy, because she is my long lost sister and I want to be just like her.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Injected fertility drugs into my belly for 14 days straight (I may blog about it later...I haven't yet because I really try not to depress my readers!)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any on purpose last year...this year is to quit smoking!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one close to me. I need some new babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My sweet grandmother

5. What countries did you visit?
Yeah, like I have the money to visit other countries

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A new addition to the family

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 1 - the day my gma passed away

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting accepted into nursing school. That shit is hard yo.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not sticking to my workouts and diet

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Kidney stones 4 times. OMG. DAMN ALL THE KIDNEY STONES!!!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought BD's new truck this year and I love it!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
BB's....he is finally potty trained. Hallelujah!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage and pre-school

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I'm gonna go with getting into nursing school again. Took me two years!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Whatever You Like" - I have very small ghetto side.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Smarter!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drink

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my in-laws, BD and BB

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I was already in love :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Gray's Anatomy hands down

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope, no time for hate in my life

24. What was the best book you read?
"Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" - by Chelsea Handler

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jack Johnson - I could listen to him all day

26. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get into nursing school.

27. What did you want and not get?
A sibling for BB

28. What was your favorite film that you saw this year?
Baby Mama

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I honestly have no idea what I did on my bday this year. 28

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my ovaries weren't so fucking retarded

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I have zero fashion concept. If you ever see me looking fashionable, BFF probably dressed me

32. What kept you sane?
BFF for sure

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I am absolutely fascinated with Angelina Jolie and her 17 kids

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
"Re-distribution of wealth"

35. Who did you miss?
My gma

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Susan and Shellie in nursing school.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Everything happens for a reason. I know it sounds very cliche', but it is very true.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You got me?!

Tuesday Morning in the SPM Household....

BB is staying with my gma. We left him there when we came back from visiting. I think he likes it better there than he does at home. I'm just telling you this so you don't assume he was witness to what happened in my bathroom this morning.

BD was in the shower, singing christmas songs at the top of his lungs.

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose...."
"Rudolph with your nose so bright won't you drive my sleigh tonight"

Then in the best Joe Pesci voice he can muster:


"Pull your own fucking sleigh santa! Suck my red nose!"

I look through the shower door in bewilderment and tilt my head to the side.

He said, "that was the mafia version."

Oh, right, the mafia version. Duh.

And then after he got out of the shower he smelled my armpits because I couldn't remember if I put on deodorant. We're weird.

At Least I Get it Honest

It is 32 degrees here in H-town today. I'm freezing my nuts off. If I had aforementioned nuts, they would have been dropped in the parking garage this morning. Or up in my throat. So last night I was all excited about the impending weather change while I was watching the weather with BD. He said "don't get too excited, it's supposed to be 75 on Christmas day." Son of a bitch! Can we get ONE Christmas where everyone is not wearing shorts? Just ONE?!

1. We had Christmas with my parents and grandparents this weekend. It was awesome. I love hanging out with my family and always come back with good stories. Stories that some how involved alcohol. See you guys, if I didn't come from a family of alcoholics, I would have nothing to blog about. Then what would you do all day? You're welcome.

Last time we were in town over Thanksgiving break, my dad got really drunk, which is totally normal. My parents have an L shaped countertop in their kitchen, and BD and I were sitting on barstools eating dinner there. Dad came in from outside, lost his balance, and was walking the perimeter of the counter. The only thing holding his ass up was the counter because he was walking at an angle. Can you guess what happened next? Yeah, he ran out of counter. He was still walking with his gangsta lean and when he ran out of the support of a countertop, he fell flat on his face. Good times. BD and I never missed a beat, we just kept eating like this was a completely normal scenario. I think I managed to mutter a "you okay dad?" between the laughter. If I don't laugh I'll cry people!

2. After much cajoling I've convinced BFF to start a blog because her life is just as, if not more, funny than mine. Go check her out here. Single mom of a five year old drama queen. Funny stuff.

3. It's that time of year again...time to make resolutions! I hate resolutions. Loathe them, actually. However, this year I'm making a very important one. As most of you know I've been doing my clinicals in the critical care unit. Most of the patients I take care of have been smokers. To see the effects of smoking first hand is terrifying. I've always known smoking was bad for you, but to actually see the damage it does to a person has shaken me to the core. I have a beautiful son that is my world and I want to be around to enjoy my grandchildren. So, my resolution is to stop smoking. I'm terrified and nervous and pray every day that I will be strong enough to succeed. But lucky for you it should make for a lot of interesting blog fodder :)

So what are some of you resolutions? Hopefully we can encourage eachother!

Let's Reminisce

I want to start this post by saying that we really aren't a bunch of raging alcoholics, even though it seems that way sometimes. We do enjoy drinking and sometimes we don't know when to call it a night, and that's when funny shit happens.

Let me tell you about last Christmas. We spent it at my in-laws house and on Christmas eve we have a tradition of making a ton of hoers d oeuvres (no fucking clue if I spelled that right), wrap presents, watch a christmas story, and drink. The ladies stuck to wine, but I'm pretty sure the guys were pounding whiskey.

My father in law flips houses and he had one down the street that hadn't sold yet, so we called that the Santa Staging Area (SSA). That is where we kept all the presents that were from santa so the kids wouldn't see them. The plan was for BD, bro-in-law and father-in-law (FIL) to go get the gifts after the kids were asleep. They were supposed to be wrapped and ready to go. Oops.

So around midnight the guys head over to the SSA and they are gone a really long time. I was fully convinced that they had been cuffed and stuffed on christmas eve for drunk driving. Just then they came in the front door with some of the gifts. BD didn't look so good. I asked wtf took them so long. FIL said one of the 'elves' was busy puking in the front yard of the SSA so it took them a little longer. Awesome. So I sent BD's drunk ass to bed and finished helping with the gifts. The more gifts I put out the more I started to notice how weird they looked. Some were half wrapped, some had the paper on backwards, some had tape wrapped around them about 8 times in one continuous circle. That's when I realized we forgot to go wrap them and the drunk elves had to do it themselves. I didn't even think about the name tags that night.

The real hilarity ensued the next morning. My two year old son opened a screwdriver set. I opened a pair of size 12 cole haan mens dress shoes. BD got a fuzzy robe. Apparently they wrappped all of the gifts and the name tags were an after thought. They completely guessed as to which gift went to who. Since then whiskey has been banned from Christmas eve festivities.