Sassy Pants Mommy

Road Trip

2011-10-10T16:38:00.002-05:00

We recently took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine, TX. It was a super fun time for all. Being on the road for 4 hours with two little ones, plus moi, equals a texas sized headache for big daddy!

Here are a few nuggets of conversations from that little trip...

Me - "I really have to pee"
BD - "then perhaps you should stop inhaling the pinot"
Me - "I'm on vacation. Plus you really need to stop, you know I have a weak bladder!! **nods head conspiratorily toward the back seat and whispers** Just look how big their heads are! They did a lot of damage I'm telling you!"
BD - "You're gonna have to use the cup"
Me - *GASP* "This is my WINE CUP. It would be seriously trashy to drink straight from the bottle. We're not in college anymore!"
Him - "..." (probably wondering why he married me in the first place)

Later that evening....

I had just done the mom thing and cleaned the kids faces and hands with my handy dandy econo pack of wet wipes before we ate our super yummy DQ fast food. Blech.

Him - "what's that smell?"
Me - "I just cleaned the kids faces and hands"
Him - "with what, a gallon of clorox?"
Me - *checking package* "No, they're wet wi.....MOTHERFUCKER! This is an econo pack of CLOROX WIPES!!"
Him - "maybe you should've stopped at 4 glasses of wine"
Me - "maybe you should shut the fuck up and eat your damn hunger buster!"

I fail at parenting.

Batshit Crazy, Party of One

2010-11-08T08:23:00.003-06:00

When you work in a hospital you, obviously, deal with the public. You are bound to run across a few crazies when you are in my line of work. On my last shift I had one particular crazy that has stood out among the others.

When trying to insert an IV, because he had pulled out the last one, he proceeded to show me which way I should twist his arm and which vein I should use because "that's the one I use to shoot up my drugs." Allllrighty then. The conversation went a little something like this....

"Sir, I'm going to need you to sit still while I put in this IV"

"LOOK! Twist the skin like this here, that way you can reach this big vein over here!"

"It looks like this vein over here is a better choice"

After several attempts and misses because of him jerking his arm away, he then tries to snatch the needle out of my hand.

"Give me that goddamn needle and I'll show you how to do it! I've done this going 90 down the freeway!"

To which I reply, "SLOW YOUR ROLL DUDE!" I figure speaking in his language is my best bet at this point. I'm also thinking if this motherfucker stabs me with his hepatitis c infected needle I'm going to judo chop his adam's apple.

I finally got someone else to do it because he was pissing me off and I wasn't in the mood to contract a disease that day.

Later that night, he called 911.

From his hospital room.

He claimed I was trying to kill him by withholding pain medication. Medication that wasn't due for another two hours. But I guess when you shoot up meth every day, morphine doesn't really do it for you anymore.

He asked me to give them the address. Seriously. The kicker though? They sent an ambulance. Where the fuck he thought they were going to take him was beyond me. Two floors down to the ER?

The straw that broke the camels back though was when I went in to give him his meds and he was but ass naked yanking on his weiner. He then proceeded to ask me how he was supposed to jack off with a catheter in. Cue me rolling my eyes and walking the fuck out to get a psych consult.

We will never be invited to another pool party....

2010-11-04T14:52:00.002-05:00

...because big daddy came out wearing this.

And that's how it happened

2010-10-29T08:07:00.002-05:00

So, I know you've all been patiently waiting by your computers to hear the sad tale of how I landed my first nursing job. (Psh, who am I kidding? I clearly lost all my followers during my 6 month haiatus) I digress....

I saw an ad in the paper for a job fair at one of the amazing hospitals near my home. I wanted to work there from the time I was in nursing school. I was due to return back to satan's lair from maternity leave and this was pretty much my last ditch effort to get a job in my field. It had been 9 looong months of looking and I was ready to give up and resign myself to being an overeducated office peon for the rest of my life.

So I get my little resume and go to the job fair. I sit and wait patiently while covertly scrutinizing the competition. Finally my name was called. She asked to see my resume. She looks over it, nodding her head and pursing her lips like she just ate a lemon from the garbage.

I'm teetering nervously on the edge of my seat hoping beyond hope that she's impressed. She looks up and fans my resume at me and says "You have no experience." It was a statement, not a question.

So I begin to explain how no, I don't have experience because I can't find a motherfucking job. Maybe not in so many words. She then proceeds to give me the whole "you should apply for an internship" bullshit. Let me just tell you about internships. There are like 2 spots per hospital per year. I've applied to like a bajillion internships. They are pretty much impossible to get.

Lemon face got up from her seat and moved on to her next victim, effectively dismissing me.

I, being the emotional bitch that I am, go to the bathroom and cry for a good ten minutes. I cry for all the hard work I did, I cry for all the money I spent, and I cry because I'm starting to realize that hospitals are just like corporate america.

I clean my face up as best I can and open the door and literally run into a woman. She puts her arm around me and asks if I'm okay. I ask her if it's true that I will never get a job unless I get one of the coveted internships. I'm trying to hold snot and tears at back during this whole schpiel.

She purses her lips and thinks for a minute. (What is with all the fucking lip pursing around this place?) She quietly whispers back and forth with another lip purser in the corner, comes back and says she'd like to interview me.

Then I charmed the pants off of her and the rest is history. Moral of the story....don't think I'm ever above crying to get a job.

So apparently I'm a big fat liar.

2010-10-22T15:29:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I know I promised all of you that I would not stay gone for another 6 months. Apparently I'm a liar. I wouldn't trust anything I say.

What has kept me away from you guys, you ask? Well why don't I show you?

Isn't the the cutest smooshiest faced baby you've ever seen? (Except for your own, of course.) Yes, he was born. Yes he is amazing. Yes my chach still hurts when I think about pushing that 9 pounds of precious out.

You know what I forgot though? How much babies suck ass the first couple of months. Hellloooo post partum depression! Nice to see you again, it had been 5 long years! Glad your ass is gone now too.

Seriously, it was like at the three month mark he became a different child. Now he's actually pretty fun. He even smiles at me. **cue melting heart**.

I also got a job as a nurse! FINALLY. OMG that whole "you'll have a job by the time you graduate" was bullshit. It took me nine very long months to find one. And the way I landed a job is actually pretty hysterical and/or extremely embarrassing. However you want to look at it. That is a story for another day. I promise I will tell soon though.

Just wanted to write a quick post to let you guys know....I'M BACK BITCHES!!!

I think my 4 year old is onto me....

2010-05-11T09:10:00.005-05:00

The other day I was driving home with baby boy in the backseat. We were giggling and acting silly, as usual. Then he says, "whatever, sassy pants!" I was like WHA?! No one has ever referred to me as Sassy Pants, except in my safe haven of bloggy land. The only logical explanation is that he is so onto me and my super secret blog! He probably reads my blog every morning while sipping his latte and discussing the national debt crisis with his classmates. I knew that damn pre-school was too hoity toity. Teaching kids to use computers and shit. When I was 4 I was making mud pies and trying to survive on fudge rounds and kool aid. Granted, my son and I have had very different childhoods, but that's neither here nor there.

(OMG - side note, I just heard a co-worker say "movers in the house...holla atcha girl"...I shit you not. Hi, were totally professional and work at the worlds largest oil company.) moving right along....

So now I have a problem. What if he tries to blackmail me? What if he's all..."mom, 3 more cookies and I'll keep your little secret. For now." I can't handle that kind of stress. Maybe I should have sent him to that pre-school that was $20 a week, and the playground consisted of a rope and an old tractor tire. Nooo, I had to choose the one that was "safe" and "clean" and where the teachers are "educated" and tuition costs more than my mortgage every month.

Just look at this face...looks like he's just waiting for the right opportunity to pounce with this new information. Little deviant.

6 months is just unacceptable

2010-04-29T13:50:00.002-05:00

First, an apology. Someone should call BPS on me. You know, like CPS (child protective services), except for blogs? I can't believe I left my people hanging for SIX MONTHS. I fully expect to be tarred and feathered. I'm sorry for neglecting the blog for so long. I've been kinda busy. You know, making a human and all.

Now that we're past all that awkwardness, what have I been up to? Well...

*I graduated from nursing school and passed my state boards. SassyPants Mommy, RN thankyouverymuch. Although I am not working as an RN right now because I got pregnant right before graduation and clearly God has a sense of humor because I'm still stuck at this shit hole job until this kid falls out.

*I was put on bedrest 6 weeks ago due to placenta previa. I just got taken off this week. Today is my first day back to said job. While I am happy to be among actual humans again, it seems that my hormones may be running a little rampant. Case in point:

This morning I dropped baby boy off at preschool. I was getting him set up in the cafeteria with his breakfast. I turned to get my keys and water bottle off of the counter and it was gone. Cue crazy parched pregnancy hormones. "Who took my water?" The teachers looked at me and shrugged. "I need my water! It was right here, who took it?!" One of the teachers mentioned she saw another teacher grab it and walk to her class. Oh, hellll no. I proceeded to argue with said teacher, clearly appalled that she would so blatantly steal someones water. A pregnant woman no less! She wisely relented after a 10 minute argument and gave me back my damn water. I walked out to my car, proud of the fact that I didn't let someone take advantage of me. I set the water down in the cup holder, only to see MY water bottle already sitting there. Hi, I'm an asshole and intimidated a pre-school teacher into giving up her legitimate water bottle. Proudest moment ever.

*I fell down my entire flight of stairs and cracked my tail bone the week after I was put on bedrest. No one ever accused me of being graceful. And having to take a pillow to a restaurant was super fun and not embarrassing at all.

*I am currently 32 weeks pregnant. That sounds like a lot, until you realize I have 8 weeks to go until my due date. 8 WEEKS. Do you know how long that is? Foreeeeevvvveeeeerrrrr.

*While I am happy and blessed that we are finally having another child, I can't help but say....this pregnancy has SUCKED BALLS. Heartburn that rivals that of the recent volcano eruption? Check! Displaced pelvis? Check! 36H boobs that leak at the most inopportune times? Check! Cracked tailbone? Check! Back pain from carrying around said boobs and linebacker fetus? Check! Peeing every 5 fucking minutes? Check! More proof that God has a sense of humor? Making the uterus rest on top of the bladder. HAHA big guy. HAHA.

In regards to peeing, sometimes I wonder if it's even worth my time getting off the couch to go to the bathroom while I contemplate exactly how absorbent this pad that I'm wearing is. That's what it's come to people. I've also developed quite a talent for picking things up with my toes. And also, did you know that a can of Pringles does NOT equal a serving? I know, I was shocked too!

Also, I've been on "pelvic rest" (read: no sex) for like 8 weeks now. I'm pretty sure I've developed a horrible case of TMJ and will need to have jaw therapy when all is said and done.
I guess that's all for now. I have to pee. Again. I will leave you with this...

Boobs for sale, real cheap

2009-10-28T15:01:00.002-05:00

Hooo leeee shit. My boobs hurt so bad. Like so, so incredibly bad I can't even put into words how bad they hurt. I did not have this issue when I was pregnant with my sweet little baby boy. I threw up every 30 minutes 24 hours a day, but I did not have this. I don't know how to deal with this. I figure selling them is the best option I've got at this point. They are so big that I was laying on my side last night and BD rolled over on to one. Like ON IT. I woke up out of a dead sleep and squeeled. I had to get him to move so I could un-wedge my boob from between his back and the mattress.

Oh and they're growing! As if they weren't big enough... hellloooo dolly parton. I lifted my shirt in the kitchen last night and told big daddy to hold them. "Just hold them and see how heavy these fuckers are!" He just stood there and laughed. "It's not funny. Why are you laughing?! You asshole you did this to me - I will cut you!" Then he had to leave the room because he got a boner and I won't let him have sex with me because I don't want to risk it. Also, the mood swings. Between the mood swings and no sex rule I'm surprised BD hasn't moved out. Seriously. I would have divorced my ass by now.

I made some cookies last night and put them on a plate on the coffee table and BB shoved three in his mouth like I can't count or something, so I reached over to grab another cookie for "the baby" and BD said "why don't you move that plate away from him?" I did an exorcist head spin and said "WHY DON'T YOU MOVE THE PLATE AWAY FROM HIM?!?!" And the logical answer is because I was already touching the plate, but the crazy answer was I don't like being told what to do apparently. Poor big daddy, he just pretended like I didn't go crazy psycho bitch on him and handed me another cookie. Then baby boy goes "why do I only get three cookies when mom ate SIX?!" To which I replied "three for me, three for the BABY - preschooler who can suddenly count!" I think he bought it.

Also, I'm starving and exhausted. I lay down on the couch every day when I get home from work. Then I wake up and want to go to bed at 730. And the eating? What the hell? I'm pretty sure it's not pc to call your embryo a fat ass, but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... For breakfast yesterday I had a bacon, egg, and cheese mcmuffin, a sausage and cheese kolache, and two glazed donuts.

I guess I can handle all of this. Anything is better than puking all.freaking.day like I did with BB. Now I'm going home to take a nap. And possibly eat. Again.

I am so Kreativ

2009-10-23T10:24:00.006-05:00

Ha! I got tagged again bitches! Take that, mediocre blogs! (It still counts if my bff gives me the award, right? Cuz that kind of feels like cheating.) Anyhow, Amber...aka BFF, gave me the Kreativ Blogger award. Even though she would like to change it to "Creative Blogger", because she is a grammar nazi. But that's neither here nor there.

According to the rules, I'm supposed to list 7 interesting things about myself. I'm not very interesting, but I will do my best. Oh, and also I'm supposed to tag 7 people for this award. That, I can do.

1. When I pass a cow pasture (stop laughing, I live in TX) I like to think that people only keep cows so they don't have to mow the grass. I even asked big daddy if we could get a cow. It would save us a fortune on lawn service. He said only if we could get a goat too. Getting a goat for the backyard is like the dumbest idea ever. So it looks like we will neither be getting a cow or a goat because my husband is ridiculous.

2. Man, this is harder than I thought. hmmm My left boob is like way bigger than my right one. It's like they have that twin to twin transfusion syndrome and lefty is sucking the life right out of thelma. And before you ask, lefty used to be named louise but now she's so fat she doesn't look like a louise anymore.

3. Once I was slipped a roofie in college and I drove back to my dorm because I "wasn't feeling well" and a cop pulled in behind me and asked me to get out of the car and then I tripped on the seatbelt and fell flat on my face and he's all "this is probably a dumb question, but have you been drinking?" I'm all "I had one beer I SWEAR!" Granted, it was big ass beer night, but still it was only the one. Then the craziest thing happened, he told me I could go home or he could arrest me. Like, do people actually choose the latter option? So I crawled, yes CRAWLED, up the stairs to my dorm room and puked up everything that I had eaten in the past eight years. My roommate came home, checked my pulse, and went back out. God I miss college.

4. I dropped my infant brother on his head more than once. I'm fairly certain that's where most of his issues stem from, but there is no way in hell I'm fessing up to that one. Who leaves a 6 year old in charge of an infant anyways? It's like my mom was asking for me to damage his brain. Munchausen by proxy, anyone?

5. When I was three my dad left an entire glass of wine on the table when he went to take a shower and I drank the entire thing in about 2 minutes flat. They found me passed out, half on the couch, half off, with a firm grasp on my blankie and drool puddling on my shoulder. And that folks is when my lushiness all started. Thanks DAD.

6. Right before I walked down the aisle I was like super nervous, so my gma gave me something to "calm me down". She neglected to tell me it was a xanax. So yeah, I was pretty much high (low?) when I said I do. The minister was all "I could see that you were getting misty eyed." No, actually my eyes were glazed over from the narcotic. Thanks GMA.

7. I thought it would be a super fabulous idea to get my clit hood pierced for my 24th bday. And it was awesome for a while. It was new and special because nobody else had one. After a while I forgot about it. Until the labor and delivery nurse went to check my dilation and said "um, you're gonna have to take this out." I told her I hadn't even seen my vagina in 8 weeks so that wouldn't be possible. Nothing says humility like a 45 year old nurse trying to take out your vag piercing while your in labor. Good times.

There are my 7 things. I will tag people later. I'm getting hungry.

I'm Over the Top!

2009-10-20T08:19:00.005-05:00

I was given this award by Lisa over at Lisa Carries On...Thanks for thinking of me!

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:

USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2.Your hair? up
3. Your mother? nurturing
4. Your father? deceased
5. Your favorite food? southern
6. Your dream last night? scary
7. Your favorite drink? wine
8. Your dream/goal? midwife
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? cooking
11. Your fear? clowns
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? respected
13. Where were you last night? restaurant
14. Something that you aren’t? shy
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. Wish list item? laminate
17. Where did you grow up? Orange
18. Last thing you did? coffee
19. What are you wearing? slacks
20. Your TV? big
21. Your pets? old
22. Friends? cherished
23. Your life? crazy
24. Your mood? thrilled
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? SUV
27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? saturday
32. Your best friend? Amber
33. One place that I go to over and over? work
34. One person who emails me regularly? honey
35. Favorite place to eat? lupe's

1. Amber at Everybody's Working for the Weekend

2. Candice at Life According to Candice

3. Crystal at It's Not Me, It's You

4. SamsMama at Raising Stink

5. Erin Jeannine at You Should Learn One New Thing Every Day

6. CalicoBebop

I Have a Secret....

2009-10-19T15:15:00.001-05:00

38 very long months, thousands of dollars, tears, tests, and procedures later...I got this Saturday.

Quote of the day

2009-10-07T15:33:00.001-05:00

Were going to dinner at sister in law's tonight for mother in law's bday. You remember SIL, right? She had the beautiful twin boys? Anyhoo, the twins are now two months old and quite the handful from what she tells me. So I emailed her to see if I needed to bring anything tonight...her reply - "alcohol and ear plugs"

I don't even have to write this post.

2009-10-07T12:12:00.003-05:00

I'm sure you have read by now about big daddy's bday party here and here. Two of my favorite bloggy buddies were there. You can read about the party on their blog, but you can only see the pictures on this one :)

BFF and Big Daddy...I don't think he was aware that they were posing

Baby boy and Crystal, his new girlfriend. They were making "portillas"

Crystal, I'm pretty sure she had just said Donald Ronald McHouse instead of Ronald McDonald House. That's her fiance to the left. I think his face says it all.

1997 called, it wants it's boone's farm back. Were nothing if not classy.

Ghetto Chronicles: Part, um, I've really lost count by now

2009-09-18T13:24:00.001-05:00

Today's ghetto chronicles are brought to you by BFF. Enjoy!

Bathroom Conversations Part 17

2009-09-14T15:28:00.002-05:00

Ahh the joys of marriage. Where the lines of modesty have long since vanished, and your husband tries to gross you out on purpose just for shits and giggles. Sweet, sweet marriage.

How I long to remember what it was like when I didn't know what my husband did with his balls when he took a shadoobie. The mystery was still there. For all I knew, he tied those long fuckers in a bow and put them on the back of the toilet. But now, NOW, 6 years into marriage, I know what he does. He rests them on the toilet seat like a delicate little package. No pun intended. I long to remember what it was like before I knew he clipped his toenails over the BATH TUB. And how I never knew why we had baby powder...before we even had a baby. Now I know. Sweaty crack. I digress.

Those days are long gone now. Now his idea of foreplay is "hey you wanna bang? It helps me fall asleep."

Back to this morning... A little back story...BD like to take a shit every morning when I'm brushing my teeth. How fucking gross is that?! There are THREE bathrooms in my house and he needs to use the one that I'm in? So, this morning in our bathroom:

Me - "Oh, I guess you came in here to take a shit again, right?!" (I'm not a morning person)
BD - "Are you about to brush your teeth?"
Me - "No, I just did"
BD - "Then no"

Then he grabbed the tweezers and plucked a stray hair off my nipple! WTF has happened to us?!

Let's talk about pet peeves, shall we?

2009-09-11T13:37:00.003-05:00

We all have them. Some people just hide it better than others. As I sit here, listening to my co-worker swish his motherfucking tea in his mouth for oh, I don't know, the thousandth fucking time today, I thought I would ask you guys if maybe I was the only one that has a pet peeve. Am I the only one that thinks about an elaborate murder scheme when someone is making mouth noises near me. Mouth noises are my biggest.peeve.ever. I'm actually surprised I was able to marry anyone because it annoys me so bad to eat with people. Mouth noises include gum smackers, loud chewers, slurpers, burpers, and I guess I have to add fucking swishing to that list now. Who swishes their drink? WHO I ASK?!!!

There is a particular offender here at work. He sits right outside my office door. Like seriously two feet from my door. He can be eating a bagel and it sounds like a cow chewing on drywall screws. I honestly don't know how he does it. It's like he was sent here by satan himself to drive me batshit crazy. This is every fucking day. Every day I have to listen to this assface eat his breakfast, snacks and lunch outside my door. Oh, and we musn't forget his afternoon apple! We have a cafeteria ya know!!! Would it kill him to go eat amongst the rest of the humans, away from his computer?

What am I thinking. He has probably been bannned from the cafeteria for his vomit inducing table manners.

Sometimes I really feel like I'm being punk'd. He takes a bite, chews it with his mouth wide open, then takes a drink and swishes it around. Then he repeats that cycle, until my forehead vein is about to rupture. THEN he burps really loud when he's done. Like burping is perfectly normal in an office. Where people with ears work. Maybe that's acceptable in china, but not here buddy! That kind of behavior in the good ol' US of A will get a blog written about you and pretend daggars thrown at the back of your balding head!!

So...what's your pet peeve?

ER Clinical Part Deux

2009-09-09T12:16:00.003-05:00

I had another ER clinical this past weekend. It was MUCH better than the last fiasco. I had one patient that stood out most. And by stood out I mean makes for an awesome story.

A man came in with complaints of a swollen testicle. Guy looked like he was rode hard and put up wet. He had one of those beards that had no beginning and no end and just flowed right on down to mingle in with his chest hair. His wife had on a supermarket shirt and was wearing a hat that said "I fish, therefore I lie". She just kept playing her little pocket solitaire game completely oblivious to what was going on, except at one point she yelled out "elephantitis!" ??? Yeah, they were one of those couples. Anyhow, this is how that conversation went.

Me - "Sir, can you tell me what brough you in today?"
Sir - "Well my testicle began swelling last night and it hurts somethin' awful"
Me - "Why don't you pull your pants down and let us have a look at....OHMYCHRIST! WHAT ATE YOUR DICK?? ...is what I yelled in my head, but managed to keep a completely professional demeanor.

It took me a second to gain my composure and form my next line of questioning. I can't even begin to put into words how big this dudes balls were. Let's put it this way, they were so swollen that his nut sack didn't have any wrinkles on it anymore.

Me - "So, um, sir, has this ever happened before?"
Sir - "Well I had testicular cancer and had the left one removed, but not since then"

Jeezus, that's only ONE BALL??!! And his penis had swelled up to a size that would make Jenna Jameson's vagina cry for mercy.

Ahem.

Me - "Let me go get the doctor, I really think he needs to see this"

Guy ended up having cellulitis of the testicle. We admitted him for some major IV antibiotics. I was for sure they were gonna have to lop that shit right off. I'm secretly falling in love with the ER now.

And this is why I married him....

2009-09-03T15:53:00.003-05:00

I was diagnosed with IBS when I was 12 years old. It is a huge pain in the ass and I always have to be near a bathroom....especially when I'm upset. Being nervous or anxious always triggers it and I have to high tail it to the bathroom. My husband knows this all too well.

Well, today is my final for level III. The last thing standing between me and my last semester. To say I'm nervous about it would be an understatement.

So I'm having lunch with big daddy today, and he can tell I'm freaking out. Then he says this (with a totally straight face):

"I can't imagine the hell your sphincter is going through right now"

And that, my friends, is how I know I've found my soulmate.

Facebook Ads

2009-09-03T12:06:00.001-05:00

Does anyone else see a problem with this weight loss ad?

Yeah. The before picture chick is pregnant. Douche nozzle.

Things that have happened in the past three weeks...

2009-08-28T09:23:00.006-05:00

I have been so busy the past few weeks that I haven't had time to blog. I missed you guys!! Lots of stuff has happened so I thought I would sum it up with pictures :)

I finished level 3 of nursing. That means I'm about to start my very last semester of nursing school and will graduate in a few months!!

The twins came home!!!

I had to have a septoplasty and sinus surgery...yuck!

My sweet little baby boy turned 4!

That's all I have time for now. I'm super busy with work, but I will definitely post more on the subjects above very soon! Happy Friday!

Did you know?

2009-08-07T13:25:00.002-05:00

I like to learn something new every day. Yesterdays lesson was that losing limbs is not a genetic trait. **

**for the record I have a 3.7 GPA in nursing school. Bitches.

Ghetto Chronicles: Part 7

2009-08-06T12:05:00.004-05:00

As most of you know I live in Houston and work in one of the most ghetto fabulous parts of town...maybe not even ghetto fabulous, just plain ghetto. Today BFF and I decided to go to Jack in the Box for lunch. They have this meal deal where you get a cheeseburger, taco, fries and a drink for $2.99. No that is not a typo..$2.99!! And since were cheap and apparently don't care about our ever expanding asses, that is what we did.

We pulled up and it smelled like sewage in the parking lot. Awesome. Actually that's not even a rare smell for these parts. Then we walk in and it smells like a urinal cake. I verbally make note of it. BFF tells me to stop fucking analyzing smells because I'm ruining her appetite. So we order and get our grease wrapped in paper with a side of love handles and sit down. It was good. Of course it was good, it was probably the equivalent of 7,000 calories. Then we hop in the car and head on back to the office which is a couple of blocks away.

I pulled out of the parking lot onto the road and see a dude waiting to cross the street close to where we were. I didn't stop because he was fucking jaywalking and I had the right of way. So he speeds up when we get closer and I literally have to stomp on my brakes to keep from hitting this jackass. I really think he wanted me to hit him. So he's standing in front of my SUV's hood and our eyes meet. I give him my best "WHATTHEFUCKASSHOLE" look and he said, while standing in front of my CAR, "Yeah, you bettah stop BITCH! I'm a pedestrian!" Frankly, I'm shocked he even knew a word that big. I promptly flipped him off and said "FUCK YOU HOMELESS MAN!!" BFF doesn't think he was homeless, but I disagree because he was carrying a bottle of Windex. Clearly if you are carrying Windex you are using it to dive on cars at red lights to wash windshields and demand money. Because you are homeless! Take that BFF! I digress.

Word to the wise, homeless people of Houston, if another one of you assholes calls me a bitch while you are standing in front of my car, be prepared for your face to meet the asphalt.

Welcome to the world, little ones

2009-07-24T08:58:00.006-05:00

Remember me mentioning that my sister in law is having twins? Well they had to take the babies yesterday...8 weeks early. She was developing pretty severe pre-eclampsia so her health was in danger. The c-section went very well and the babies are doing great. They will have to stay in the NICU for a while, but we expected that. I can't believe they are here, and I can't wait to spoil them! Most of all, I thank God that they are okay.

Auntie Sassy Pants

Uncle Big Daddy's hand showing how small they are

Sweet little foot

Tiny little hand

Introducing.....

Cameron Anthony

July 23, 12:33pm

2 lbs, 11 oz

15 3/4" long

Tristan William (the womb hog)

July 23, 12:32 pm

3 lbs, 10 oz

16 1/2" long

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

A chunk o' weave. In the elevator at work. No idea how it got there.

Lush, much?

2009-07-21T15:51:00.010-05:00

Actual email conversation that took place between Big Daddy and I today.

BD - I was going to run by the store on my way home to get laundry detergent and milk. need anything else?

Me - Not that I can think of. I need some face moisturizer but you may not want to get that.
Oh wait!!! WINE...I'M OUT OF WINE!!!! Screw the moisturizer...I'll rub wine on my face.

Sometimes I even shock myself.

Oh, and btw, remember the illness that I've been complaining about non-freaking-stop for the past couple of months and how I was convince I probably had aids or cancer?? Well I went to an Ear, Nose, & Throat dr and he actually figured out what is wrong! He sent me for a CT scan and did a laryngoscopy on me. Look that up and then feel way sorry for me. More on that tomorrow. Anyhoo, the scan showed that I have massively infected maxillary and ethmoid sinuses. I had no clue. One more round of antibiotics (this will be the 6th antibiotic by the way) and if this one doesn't work, then it's sinus surgery for yours truly.

It may be time to change doctors

2009-07-21T09:38:00.002-05:00

So I was talking to my mama this morning and she happened to mention that my dad's back has been hurting. Apparently when you are in nursing school people start to think you're a doctor. I digress. She said he wants to change doctors. I asked her why because they have been going to this particular doctor for over 20 years. Going forward I will refer to this particular doctor as Dr. Who Is Most Likely Gay, or Dr. WIMLG for short.

Mom - "Well, your daddy went in for his back pain and Dr. WIMLG didn't order any tests."
Me - "Well what did he do?"
Mom - "He told your daddy that he wanted to check his prostate"

Sidebar - my dad had prostate cancer several years ago and had his prostate removed.

Me - "But dad doesn't even have a prostate"
Mom - "Well he reminded Dr. WIMLG of this and do you know what he said? He put on a glove and said let's check it anyway!"
Me - "W.T.F. I agree with changing docs."

My poor dad has had his ass violated more times than an inmate.

A Thousand Words Thursday

2009-07-16T08:56:00.002-05:00

Borrowed this idea from Mom Jen.

I was looking through profiles of old classmates yesterday and one of them caught my eye. And made me a little green with envy. She just finished residency and is a full fledged ob/gyn now. My dream job. Then I noticed she also just bought a Picasso painting. Like an actual Picasso painting. Not the knock off kind I buy at Kirklands. However, I also saw in one of her messages "that's why we don't have kids!"

That weighed on my mind the whole day. Thinking about all the things I could have done had I not gotten married so young. Had I not partied so much in college and dropped out of the pre-med program. Then this morning when I tickled baby boy's back to wake him up, he rolled over and gave me a big grin. I kissed his head and he climbed up into my lap and nuzzled his little head into my chest. He wrapped his arm around me and started patting my back in the same rythm that I was rocking him. And then I realized, that I would take this moment, and all the stuff that comes with it, even the temper tantrums and potty training, the time outs and the crayon on the wall....over a picasso any.day.of.the.week. She should be jealous of me.

Thanks, A&E, for making a depressing show ten times more depressing

2009-07-14T15:58:00.002-05:00

So big daddy and I were watching Intervention last night on A&E. Partly because there was nothing else on tv, but mostly because it makes us feel like we are superior to at least some people in this world. Last night they featured someone named Bret. He was 44 and a raging alcoholic. He had lost his job, his kids, and his wife. He was a big hot mess.

Then came time for the intervention. He flipped the fuck out when he found out they wanted him to go away to get help. After they threatened to have him committed, he agreed to go to rehab. Big daddy said, "I bet you he's gonna finish treatment." We always make stupid bets with eachother. So I'm all, "There's no way, he's way too far gone for rehab to help." I've learned which way to go because most people on this show relapse, and also I'm tired of losing sexual favor bets to big daddy. I have TMJ for christ's sake!

So anyhow, the end of the show comes on and he did actually finish rehab. And then he died 3 weeks later from esophageal cancer. I'm not sure who wins at this point. I'm going with a tie.

And now my hand has herpes. Probably.

2009-07-10T08:10:00.005-05:00

Why are most ER nurses bitches? (I don't mean you, Candice, we all love you!) I had an ER rotation last weekend. I say ER because I will never get used to saying ED, which is apparently the proper term now. Anyhow, when you begin nursing school they warn you that nurses eat their young. They don't elaborate on that, they just let you find out why on your own.

I learned why pretty quickly when I did my first rotation in the ER. It was painfully obvious that none of them were happy that I was there in the first place. It must have been nice to have been born a registered nurse, while the rest of us have to go to school for it. Bitches. They really act like they have no recollection of what it was like to be a student. It's hard. Nursing school is hard. And when the person that is supposed to be teaching you is acting like you're a bad case of the flu, it's even harder.

I was so excited about this rotation because I was finally going to get to practice my IV skills. My IV bubble was quickly burst when I was informed I was there to observe only. The fuck? Why would I come in for 12 HOURS to watch someone else do their job? I was beyond pissed, but did what I was told like a good little nursing student and followed the staph around all shift. But then, out of the blue, one of them asked if I wanted to insert a foley. Absolutely! I jumped at the chance. At least I was getting to do something. So I gathered all of my supplies and went into the patients room.

This was the first foley I'd ever done on a male, so I was a little nervous. I began setting up my sterile field and explained the procedure. Then I pulled the covers back and realized he wasn't circumsized. Jesus. As if this wasn't hard enough. So I pulled the foreskin back with my hand. And pulled, and pulled, and pulllleeeeddd. This guy had a 7:1 ratio of foreskin to penis. I finally get to the actual peen and quickly realized why I had been asked to insert this foley on this patient. He had mother fuckin herpes. Awesome. Like I said, ER nurses are bitches.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-08T08:12:00.001-05:00

I couldn't agree with you more kitteh

Does anyone else find the humor in this?

2009-07-02T08:21:00.000-05:00

You may need to click the picture to make it bigger.

I haven't died, and why women become lesbians

2009-07-01T09:14:00.006-05:00

It's been almost a month since I did a blog update. That is unacceptable! You know, it's the same old story. Work, nursing school, family. I've been so frazzled lately. Plus ever since last week it's been a little tense in the Sassy Pants household. Let me explain....

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty awesome wife. No, I'm a badass wife that any guy would be lucky to have. (toot toot!) And that badassedness has been taken advantage of recently. You see, big daddy gets to pretty much do whatever he wants. If he wants to go play pool with his friends, or go to a bar, I let him and don't give him any grief. All I ask in return is a little peace and quiet when I need to study, and that he comes home after the bar closes. Well, Friday night he must have gotten brain damage and somehow forgotten the latter of those two rules.

He went to play pool with a friend, and I had clinicals the next day, so baby boy and I hit the sack around 9ish. I woke up to pee at 3:30 and he wasn't home. Somehow I fell back asleep, and woke up again at 4am. He still wasn't home. Panic ensues because I think to myself that surely, SURELY he would not purposely stay out this late. There must have been a horrendous accident. I'm texting every one of his friends to see if they've seen him. I texted him. I'm in full on panic mode by this point. As I'm picking up the phone to call the hospital that is near our house, I get a text saying "I'm sorry, I'm 5 minutes away". I saw red. Smoke was coming out of my ears. My hands were shaking but I managed to text back "YOU BETTER BE MOTHER FUCKER!!"

I'm waiting on the bottom of our stairs. He walks up to the door and every so quietly unlocks it. He's sneaking in like a fucking ninja, having no idea what kind of wrath was about to be unleashed on him. He looked up, saw me on the step with my hands on my hips, and froze right there. I was so mad that I couldn't even form a sentence. I was sputtering expletives at him and then I finally managed a "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" And this is where it gets good folks.

You see, big daddy's best friend is single and always trying to pick up ladies. Apparently he found one he liked at the bar. She also happened to be with two other friends. So what do the dumbasses do? Invite them over to his house to go swimming. Seriously. These were the words coming out of my husbands mouth. The mad that I was before compared to the mad I was after this story, would be the difference between a firecracker and Hiroshima. I'm pretty sure I busted a vein in my forehead. I actually had to restrain myself from hitting him. And do you know what that asshole had the nerve to say to me? "But I found us a babysitter!" And then I stabbed him 75 times. Not really, but that's totally what was happening in my head.

So fast forward to today. I still haven't had a normal conversation with him. He swears nothing happened and he "was just there for his friend". I've been going back and forth about what to do. If I let him get away with this he will think it's okay. If you haven't figured it out by now, men are like children. They need to be punished.

So I'm asking you, doogs. What would you do if this was your husband? I really, really want to know because right now I'm at a loss.

The difference between moms and dads

2009-06-05T08:41:00.002-05:00

Last night I went with my sister in law to help her register for the twinsies. We hit up babies r us, which is the mecca for baby stuff. That probably wasn't the best idea because it was kind of like taking an alcoholic to Oktoberfest. She even let me use the scanner because she's awesome like that. Actually towards the end she was so overwhelmed she just told me to scan whatever. Which was awesome. I think my womb started to sob while we were in there. Anyhow, towards the end of the trip I walked over to the bath products because baby boy has been out of bath soap for a few days. What I didn't know was that BD had also picked up some soap while he was in Target. These are the results:

Can you tell who got what?

Holy blog neglect, batman!

2009-06-03T14:52:00.003-05:00

Do I even have any readers left? Have you guys all left me for the way-funnier-than-me Matter of Fact Mommy? That's cool. I love her too.

So I've pretty much been sick for the better part of 2009 and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. First it was pneumonia, then the chest pain, and last week I'm 99% sure i had the fucking flu. I'm like a walking microbiology lab. Maybe I could make some extra cash serving as such. Yeah kid, just swab the back of my throat or my nose. You'll get like eleventy billion viruses! Score! I've been joking with big daddy that I probably have AIDS. He doesn't appreciate humor the way I do.

I'm fairly certain I've been so sick because of stress beating down my immune system. My hair is falling out in clumps and I've developed insomnia all for the great pursuit of becoming a nurse. I just started level III of nursing and HOLY HELL. The first two levels were like laying on a beach in Maui sipping cocktails compared to this shit. It took me a week just to get a pretty good understanding of the syllabus. I did manage to sneak in a quasi vacation before I started this semester. My carpal tunnel (what am I, 90?) is acting up so I'll let you see that little story over at BFF's blog. I say quasi vacation because my idea of a vacation does not include having to hover over the toilet seat for fear of catching an STD and wearing flip flops in the shower so I don't get toe crabs. That's just me though, I can be uptight about stuff like fucking 6 people in 48 hours.

What else is new? Oh, I'm also taking a speech class this (5 week summer!) semester because apparently I took the wrong one. That's not an email anyone appreciates getting. This is how awesome I am...I started the class yesterday, and finished TODAY. It's online so you can work as quickly as you want and I wanted to get it out of the way. Two days is probably like some sort of school record or something. I should look into that. I literally worked for 7 hours straight yesterday and 6 hours straight today to finish that shit.

AND I'm finally getting moved here at work so I don't have to work for satan herself anymore. And I'm really excited about that and also really nervous because I don't handle change very well. I had diarrhea for a week after we re-arranged the living room, so there's no telling what this is going to do to me. The thought of having to change buildings makes me break out in hives.

That is all for now...off to check up on my favorite blogs!

Facebook Ads

2009-05-20T08:58:00.002-05:00

I think I might pick up one of each. 30% is a pretty good deal for babies and boys!

Just for the record, we've never actually killed anyone

2009-05-19T08:32:00.003-05:00

This past weekend was BFF's birthday. We had a huge crawfish boil at my house and it was a blast! We had a great turnout and went through about ten cases of beer. We were playing flip cup (the most awesome game in the universe), and apparently beer disappears really quickly during that game.

Fast forward to last night. The crawfish had been sitting in the backyard in a cooler since Saturday. We were all too hungover to do anything with it until yesterday. So BFF comes over after work with trash bags in hand, ready to dispose of the stinky mess.

We walked out of the backdoor and were almost knocked out by the smell. Think about rotten seafood that has been baking in the sun for two days. Times ten. Yeah, it was hurl inducing. BFF cautiously walked over to the cooler, the cooler that was surrounded by flies, and opened the lid. The she started violently dry heaving while running away...far far away to the other side of the yard.

"There's....OMG there's maggots in it!!!!"

Okay, her just saying the m word made me want to puke. So we gathered our composure and did what came natural. We went inside and poured ourselves a glass of wine. We were just looking at each other with sheer terror in our eyes, because we knew what we had to do.

Me - "There has to be a better way. Let's think this through."
BFF - "I can't touch it. I'm definitely gonna puke."

Ten minutes and another glass of wine go by.

Me - "I've got a shovel!"
BFF - "A shovel! Genius!"
Me - "Get your game face on, it's time."

We pulled our shirts over our faces and drug the cooler of death around to the front of the house. I'm holding a shovel, she's holding trash bags, and there is a bottle of bleach sitting at our feet.

Me - "It looks like we are about to cover up a crime scene and bury a body."
BFF - "If there is a murder in this neighborhood tonight we are so gonna get questioned."

Right about that time big daddy's best friend pulled up in the driveway and volunteered to take the cooler of death to a dumpster!!! Sweet Jesus, we have a reprieve!!

After that deed was done we had to focus our attention on the boilers...which still had the water in them. The water that the crawfish were cooked in. We walked over to those. "Please don't let there be maggots, please don't let their be maggots..."

"You open yours first", I said to BFF. Because I'm a huge pussy. She reached over and pulled off the lid. THANK GOD. It was just gross red water. "Your turn." I took a deep breath and gathered my courage. Whew! That one was clean too.

The guys ended up dumping that down the storm drain. I know, like 17 violations right there. So they were dumping that and we were inconspicuously hosing down the driveway. At 8pm. We may as well be fitted for orange jumpsuits now.

Nothing like spending a night in the ED

2009-05-14T13:06:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I started having some chest pains. They began as a mild annoyance and progressively got worse, radiating up my neck and into my jaw. The worse the pain got, the harder it was for me to breathe. I started to think I was having a heart attack. You may think I'm being a little dramatic, but my father dropped dead from a heart attack at the age of 38, so I take chest pain pretty seriously.

I drove myself to the ED and was triaged immediately. BD brought baby boy to BFF's house and met me there.* Shockingly, everyone that worked in the ED was really nice. My ECG came back normal so they drew a metric ass ton of blood, hooked up an IV, and put me in a triage area. I was stuck in a room with a 400 lb woman who was also complaining of chest pain and her mother. They did not shut.the.fuck.up the entire time we were in there. She kept talking about her sons Billy and Willie. I couldn't make this shit up.

The nurse gave me some morphine for the pain (never had that before and HOLY HELL is that good stuff). After my pain meds started kicking in I looked at the nurse and said "I bet her chest would stop hurting if she shut her mouth for one fucking second". She then closed my curtain and turned off my light. I think she was hoping I would go to sleep.

My bloodwork came back normal, but I had elevated d-dimer...indicating that I could possibly have a blood clot. So they prepped me for a CT scan of the chest. Another nurse wheeled me back and injected the contrast into my IV. My vag got really hot and tingly and my mouth had a funny taste in it. Much like a typical night in college. I digress...

The CT scan was clear, no pulmonary embolism, thank God! They drew more blood for another cardiac enzyme test three hours later, which also came back normal. They asked if I had been under a lot of stress. I laughed. Out loud. I said "I work full time, go to nursing school full time, and I have a three year old. What do you think?"

The doctor said my chest pain was most likely brought on by stress and the tests showed no damage to my heart. Yay for that! Now I just gotta learn how to relax. I don't even remember how to relax. Any pointers?

*He also sat in the corner of my room watching the basketball game the whole time.

You should always pee BEFORE you get in bed

2009-05-12T08:45:00.003-05:00

Big daddy went out with a friend on Saturday and I stayed home with baby boy. Because I'm a cool wife and I like spending quality time with the baby. We watched Madagascar 2 and ate popcorn and played monster trucks for a while. It was awesome. We went to bed around 10 and were sleeping peacefully, until BD got home. It was obvious he was a little inebriated because I could smell his dragon breath from across the room.

He climbed in bed with the finesse of an elephant and was out in about two seconds. About an hour later I'm jarred awake by stuff falling off of my nightstand. I pop up and see BD with one knee on my night stand and one hand bracing himself on the wall. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I said in a yell-whisper so as not to wake the baby. "I'm just looking for something." Yeah, okay, get your drunk ass back in bed.

So he walks over to the bathroom, slamming his knee into the corner of the foot of the bed and stepping on the dogs head along the way. So now pretty much every living thing in our house is annoyed with him. He was in the bathroom for about 5 minutes, with the light off, by the way. Then he walks back into the bedroom and over to the window. He pulled the drapes back and started lifting up the blinds. Not by the blind lifty cord, by the bottom of the blinds. "WHAT.THE.FUCK.ARE.YOU.DOING???" My yell whisper was getting louder at this point. "I have to pee." "The bathroom is that way dumbass!" So he closes the drapes, walks back over to the bathroom, locates the toilet and does his business. He made his way back to the bed and didn't cause any more commotion for the rest of the night. Of course he had no recollection of the nights happenings the next morning.

My In-Laws Are a Bad Influence: Example #72

2009-05-11T14:51:00.004-05:00

You see that building up there? Yeah, I'm never allowed to go there ever again. Like, for the rest of my life. It all started about 10 years ago (jesus I'm old) when my in-laws decided we should take a little trip over to Louisiana for a super fun night of gambling. Awesome, I thought! One problem though, I was only 19 at the time. If you check your handy dandy law book, you'll see that the legal gambling age in Louisiana is 21. No problem, said the in-laws...we'll get you a fake ID! Great! So we made the call to big daddy's sister and asked her if we could borrow her ID. She brought it over and we were on our way to a night of debauchery. Well, as much debauchary as you can have with your inlaws.

I memorized that ID from top to bottom on the three hour drive across the state line. Name, birthday, address...I had it down. We pull up to the casino and walk in. The over zealous bouncer looks at each ID, then he gets to mine. He looks at it and back at me like four hundred times. I didn't realize before, but my sister in law is 5'2" and I'm 5'6". Plus she has green eyes and I have brown. Plus we pretty much look nothing alike except that we are both caucasian.

"When's your birthday?"

"May 22" I said with a smirk.

"What street do you live on?"

Highly annoyed I answer "Glenpatti"

"Glenpatti what? Street, drive, lane, circle?"

FUCK. I look over at big daddy and beg him silently to somehow telepathically send me some sort of answer.

Overzealous bouncer then says "What's your sign?"

Double FUCK. "I totally don't believe in that stuff."

Then he made my heart fall out of my ass and said "you are gonna have to come with me." Super. My father in law whipped out about ten credit cards and told overzealous bouncer he could easily spend them elsewhere. I'm thinking "you're not fucking al pacino, put your credit cards away...were in enough trouble as it is!!"

We were escorted to the office where our pictures were taken and we had to sign something saying we would never return to the casino. Then they left us alone to go get the cops because apparently you get a one way ticket to jail for using a fake ID at a casino. My father in law turned to us and said "they can't arrest her if they can't find her." So big daddy grabbed my hand and we ran. Seriously. Who does that? As a side note, I was wearing stilettos and didn't really want to run in the first place. Plus the parking lot was made of gravel. I felt like I was stuck in a bad action movie.

We ran all through the parking lot with big daddy dragging my ass by my wrist. Just when we were about to cross the street a cop steps out from behind a car and says "You jest got yerself a one way ticket to jail missy!" I probably shit my pants right about then...it's all a blur really. BD looked at me and said "we wouldn't have gotten caught if you ran faster!!" I yelled back "I'M IN STILETTOS ASSHOLE!!" So the cop handcuffed me and I could have just died right then and there. He read me my rights and escorted me back toward the casino where a crowd was gathering. I'm not sure what inspired me to do what I did next, but I proceeded to throw myself on the ground like a toddler. I told the cop there was no way in hell I was walking in front of all those people while I was handcuffed and he would just have to drag me kicking and screaming. He actually took the handcuffs off for the rest of the walk. He probably thought I was retarded.

We were met by a police car and I was cuffed and stuffed and driven to a jail in the boonies of backwoods louisiana. The inlaws and BD followed in their car. I had to take a mug shot and put on a crusty orange jumpsuit. My mugshot made me look like a serial killer. I think it was the angle. And the streaks of mascara running down my face.

They finally bailed me out around 11pm. And do you know where those fuckers went? To another fucking casino. I had to sit in the kiddie gameroom with my mascara streaked face, bruised wrists, blood shot eyes and injured pride while they gambled. Because, ya know, wouldn't want to waste a trip to louisiana!

Is there anybody out there?

2009-05-07T15:18:00.002-05:00

I know I've been gone a while...hope I haven't lost all five of my faithful readers. I was sick for almost an entire month, progressively getting worse until it developed into pneumonia. I will never put off going to the doctor again. That sucked balls.

I'm currently wrapping up Level II of nursing school. Half-way there baby! It seems like I was just accepted into the program last month. I took the mid-curricular HESI exam and aced it. It is a good indicator of how you will do on the nursing boards so I'm pretty stoked to find out I'm not a retard.

Level II nursing has been interesting. I've gotten to move to other units for clinicals. Thank God too because if I had to spend another day in the telemetry unit I was probably going to off myself with a bedpan. I helped with a c-section a couple of weeks ago and got puked on. It was still better than telemetry. I got to put in my first foley catheter on a real, live human! Yeah, I rocked it. Don't be jealous. (She may or may not have had an epidural at the time.) I got to witness my first vaginal birth (other than my own) up close and personal. It was gross and messy and beautiful all at the same time. I actually held her leg and coached her while she pushed that wiggly little blob out. Amazing and a little bittersweet for me.

What else has happened....we are gearing up for our guadalupe river trip in a couple of weeks. Four whole days of no kids, sun, floating the river, bbq, classic rock, beer....need I say more? I am so excited! This will be the first vacation big daddy and I have been on without the in-laws in about 57 years. Not that I don't love my in-laws, but lets be honest...it's called a vacation for a reason. Big daddy is lucky I'm letting him go.

I found out monday that my sister in law is having TWIN BOYS!!! I'm over the moon excited and getting every little detail planned for her shower. I can't wait until they are born. Maybe that will hold off the baby crazies for a while since my plumbing is out of commission.

Three things my son has said to me this week:

"Spiders just make me....shudder" - He has the vocabulary of a 12 year old. I'm pretty sure he was switched at the hospital. My real kid probably can't even speak three word sentences yet.

"I really value your friendship mom" - (he's three people, the only thing normal three year olds value are cheesy poofs and dry underwear)

"My penis has legs" - (no, those are your balls)

See you guys tomorrow with the story of how I was banned for life from a casino.

Back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow

2009-05-05T09:57:00.001-05:00

Sorry peeps, I've been down and out with pneumonia for the better part of a week. Hoping to get back to work and a bit of normalcy tomorrow. Stay tuned.

This is what happens when it rains in houston for one day

2009-04-30T09:43:00.003-05:00

So I got a call from baby boy's preschool around 1pm on tuesday. They said, "you may want to come get your child because the roads are becoming inaccessible." Okay, I thought. I'm just glad they called before it got too bad. Or so I thought.

These pictures are not in order so just roll with it. When I pulled onto the street that the school was on I knew there was no way in hell my car would make it down the road. Because it was COVERED in water. I actually had to call BD to come in his truck. Meanwhile, parents are pulling up and we are all wondering how we are going to get our kids out. I called the school to see what we were supposed to do. All I got was a "uh, we aren't really sure." Great. After about a half hour the dads said screw it... they rolled up their pants and started wading through the flood water to get our children.

BD coming out with baby boy and a classmate. Another dad going in...he was smart enough to get swim trunks on first.

The kids, not really sure what to think of all this water.

Dad's coming out with their kids.

Dad going in...

Thank God for all the dads or the kids might still be there

So I was holding this penis last night....

2009-04-22T13:50:00.004-05:00

I had lab twice this week. That means I left the house at 7am and didn't get home until 9pm. Twice. Plus I have a cold. Needless to say I've been really cranky. Which brings us to our story...

We learn how to do our nursing skills in lab. Stuff like IV's, drawing blood, dispensing insulin...you get the idea. Last nights lab was on inserting foley catheters. I'll give you a second to google that.

You back? Looks pleasant doesn't it? It's actually a lot harder of a procedure than you might think. You don't just jab that tube up there all nimbly bimbly like. You have to have a sterile field during the whole procedure which is really complicated for a newbie like myself. So my professor is explaining the procedure and we have one sterile hand and one hand with which we hold the penis. The very life like mannequin's penis. And if we let our hand slip off of the penis to do something else she would yell at us. And she is a very large woman, so I had the penis in a death grip.

So I'm holding the penis in one hand and the foley in another, and she's going on and on about procedure. Then she gets interrupted by someone and they are carrying on this conversation about something completely irrelevant to what we are doing. And I'm all, "Helloooo, I'm still holding this guys dick!" Which is apparently pretty unprofessional, but I wasn't about to get yelled at again for breaking my sterile field. So my prof is like, "Amber! Would you say dick in front of your patient?" And I said, "well I'm pretty sure he'll be using more colorful language than that if I'm shoving this tube up his pisser." Then she rolled her eyes at me and told me I might want to consder working in the morgue. You know, because people are already dead there and I can say dick and pisser all I want and they won't know the difference.

Anyhow, I finally got the foley in that poor little mannequin. We were both traumatized and ashamed by the time it was over. I had a dick imprint on my hand for a good half hour after the whole debacle. Try explaining that to your husband.

The List

2009-04-17T10:16:00.002-05:00

I have nothing interesting to blog about so I'm stealing this idea from BFF, who stole it from samsmama. I'm nothing if not original. I am going to do a list of ten random things from my past that I've done...with one thing listed that I didn't do. See if you can figure out which one it is!

1. I have been banned for life from the Isle of Capri casino in Louisiana.

2. I have tried to run from the cops on foot, and got caught because I was wearing stilettos and running on gravel.

3. I asked where the homecoming game was going to be my junior year of high school.

4. I've been slipped a roofie in a bar, then was pulled over by a cop on my way home because he thought I was drunk. Good times.

5. I used to pour half of my parents liquor out and replace it with water. They never knew the difference.

6. I have gone to bail my dad out of jail, and he didn't even recognize me as his daughter. He thought I was an attorney. That's a great feeling.

7. One time I took ecstasy in college and did a line dance with the wall. High kicks and all.

8. I bought my first house at the age of 23.

9. BB was born at home with the assistance of a midwife.

10. I have been in college for 10 consecutive years.

More Easter Pics!

2009-04-16T14:54:00.004-05:00

Guess Who Shit in the Yard Again

2009-04-16T11:48:00.005-05:00

I guess we didn't quite get our point across the first time it happened. You know, the first time we explained that the backyard is not a toilet. Except for the dogs. Which I guess was pretty confusing for the little dude. I didn't see the actual deed, I just heard BB go "ewwww, mom, buster is eating my poop!!" **GAG** So not only did he shit in the yard, but the dog ate it. How disgusting is this scenario? And where the fuck is this chapter in my parenting book?

Note to self: don't let buster lick my face anymore.

So then yesterday I pick him up from pre-school and notice he had on his in-case-of-emergency clothes. I said, "did we have an accident today?" He twisted his little mouth and said, "yes I did." As I always do, I asked "well what happened?" He looked at me like I was a moron and matter of factly said, "I pissed my pants."

I have a feeling the teen years are going to be super.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-04-15T12:14:00.003-05:00

Too much easter fun....

Happy Easter!

2009-04-10T09:35:00.001-05:00

I still have a job!

2009-04-09T07:48:00.002-05:00

I did not get fired yesterday, as evidenced by the time of this blog posting. Like I would be up at 7am if I was un-employed! My 3 year old doesn't even get up until 8:30 on the weekends. He takes after his mama.

Anyway, she used the whole "I'm very disappointed in you" line. Then she said I didn't apologize fast enough or profusely enough to her satisfaction? I don't even know what that means but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with culture. Every time she does something to piss me off I just blame it on the culture differences and move on. I save a lot of time that way.

So I pretty much just got a stern talking to, which is a lot less than I would have done to someone if they got me deported from Russia!

I'm probably getting fired today

2009-04-08T08:11:00.000-05:00

We all make mistakes at work. Some are big, some are small, and a small few are so grande that you are absolutely sure you will packing up your office the next day. Of course, my mistake was the latter.

You see, I'm an assistant for a very demanding middle eastern woman. She has an incredibly busy schedule and travels most of the year. I have to plan all these trips down to the smallest detail. That might not seem hard, but when I'm planning a trip that has 15 legs to it and visas for 4 different countries (I shit you not, that happened last month), it can get a bit confusing.

It all started last week when she decided she needed to go to Russia...very last minute, as always. I'm known for being able to get a visa for any country in superhuman time. What they don't know is that I have connections and am not above bribing people with food :)

So I sent in her application and had her Russian visa in my hands in three days. That is almost unheard of because it usually takes 4 weeks. I was very proud of myself for getting it all together in such a hurry. Fast forward to Saturday. I get a text message from her saying this - "I'm being deported from Russia, you put the wrong entry date on my visa. I have no words to describe this." You know that feeling when your stomach falls out of your ass? Yeah, that's what happened to me times ten. I was in a sheer panic. There was nothing I could do. So she was on a plane for 35 hours for nothing. Needless to say, she's a little bit pissed at me. Actually she's avoiding me like the plague, which is almost worse than being yelled at.

So far I haven't been fired. And people are assuring me that it isn't the first time it's happened. We'll see.

More Waiting...

2009-04-07T07:46:00.004-05:00

Tuesday egg count - 40. F-O-R-T-Y!!!

This is a picture of an ovary with 8 eggs. I have twenty in each ovary. Each one is approximately the size of a baseball.

It's like a party down there. And just in time for Easter!

My doctor called and said he was cancelling my IUI because "there is a very real possibility that you could get pregnant with a dozen babies."

I'm pretty bummed that all that money is wasted and all those frickin shots I had to take were for nothing, but I have no problem cancelling. I'm not a dog, and I do not want a litter of children fo sho.

Ovaries Don't Appreciate Smack Talk

2009-04-03T13:27:00.004-05:00

Dear Right Ovary,

I know I called you a lazy bitch, and for that, I apologize. I honestly didn't think you would hear me, since your down there being dormant and all, not doing your job....or so I thought. You should have seen the look on my face when the nurse rolled the ultrasound wand over you today and counted TWENTY FOUR fucking eggs. What am I, a gumball machine? One, maybe even two would have been nice, but noooo, you had to prove your point. I get it, you aren't lazy. Now can you back the hell off the egg production? I will not be the next octo-mom! If I have to cancel this cycle because you were offended by the lazy bitch comment, there will be hell to pay, right ovary. I would sleep with one eye open if I were you, over achiever.

Signed,
Your sore and very bloated host body

The Most Un-Romantic Way to Procreate

2009-04-03T09:16:00.002-05:00

As you know by now big daddy and I are on the C team of reproduction. It took two years and lots (and lots and lots) of money to get pregnant with baby boy. I actually considered naming him Cash. So here we are, several years later. No baby number two in sight. Lots (and lots and lots) of money basically flushed down the toilet trying to give baby boy a sibling. We are in the midst of our last hoo-rah, if you will. This is the last cycle we are going to throw cash at the fertility doctor.

We had a bit of luck with this cycle. The dr asked if we would like to be in a study. After he explained that study = save a shit-ton of money, we enthusiastically agreed. I left the office with $6,000 worth of fertility drugs in a bag, praying to God I wouldn't get robbed by a crazy infertile that had been staking the clinic out.

I've been giving myself shots in the belly for 7 days now. Tonight I start the study drug, so that means I'll get two shots in the belly every night. BD was doing it but I finally worked up the nerve to do it myself. And frankly, it hurts a hell of a lot less when I do it. He held the needle like it was the shower scene in Psycho. Side note - I hope the study drug doesn't make me grow a third boob or something.

I go every couple of days for an ultrasound and bloodwork - at $300 a pop. My left ovary is producing some nice follicles, whereas my right ovary is just plain fucking lazy. (I don't even know why I give that bitch a place to stay anymore.) When my follicles get big enough I will take yet another shot to make me ovulate, and then we will do intra-uterine insemination with BD's best swimmers. He doesn't even have to be present when the doctor knocks me up. He romances the cup, I keep it warm in my cleavage until I get to the office, and then the doctor inseminates me. Your totally jealous aren't you?

So send me some good positive we-totally-hope-the-dr-gets-you-pregnant thoughts!!

Just Call Me Princess Space Cadet

2009-03-31T12:33:00.004-05:00

I've never really been known for my common sense. I'm extremely book smart, but not so much with the common smarts. BFF and I were in drill team in high school, and at the end of camp our director passed out these made up awards like best smile, best high kick, biggest whore. Okay, I made that last one up. So what was my award you ask? Space Cadet... as in my head is always in the clouds. Nice. But I must admit, I earned that award.

Example numero uno - our junior year we were getting ready for our upcoming homecoming. I always made sure to arrange transportation before hand so I wasn't stranded at the game. So in casual conversation at lunch, surrounded by my closest friends, I asked what seemed to be a perfectly logical question. "Where is the homecoming game going to be?" Blank stares. "I need to figure out if I'm going to drive or not, is it here or away?" Blank stares followed by hysterical laughter. BFF stops laughing long enough to say "I'm pretty sure the HOMECOMING game is going to be at HOME this year." I was so embarrassed and have yet to live that down, 11 years later. At the pep rally one of the guys got on the microphone and said "Sassy Pants, I just wanted to remind you that our game is at HOME tonight." Awesome.

Example #2 - My senior year of high school my dad checked my oil and told me I needed to put a couple of quarts in my car because it was low. No problem. I go down to Auto Zone, buy my little quarts of oil, and head back to my house. I pop open the hood, and pull the dipstick out, just as I had seen my dad do earlier that day. Then I see a slight problem. The hole I just pulled the dipstick out of isn't very big at all. How the hell am I supposed to get this oil in there? There must be some kind of special funnel. After searching for this tiny funnel I go to my mom for help. Here's the best part. My mom helped me fashion a tiny funnel to get the oil into the dipstick hole. We later found out when my dad got home and heard about our troubles, that the much larger hole, with a cap on it that says OIL is actually where the oil is supposed to go.

Example #3 - This is my most recent space cadet moment. BFF's daughter had her sixth birthday party this weekend. We get to their house and I set our gift on the table. I picked out a really cute pink and green flowery bag from target. As I'm setting the gift down, I notice someone else has the same bag. I looked at her and said, "looks like we both went to target, hope we didn't get the same thing!" Fast forward a couple of hours to gift opening time. The children are sitting on the floor anxiously awaiting the opening of each gift. Then she gets to the pink and green flowery bag and starts opening. Plaid shorts..."crap" I whispered...white t-shirt..."you have got to be kidding me"....hannah montana shirt...."COME ON, I can't believe we got the exact same gift!" BFF finally looks at me and says in a very calm voice, "this is your gift." And so the legacy continues.

Who missed me?

2009-03-25T12:32:00.004-05:00

I know I've been neglecting the blog lately, but in my defense I was on vacation for a week. We took our annual ski trip to Colorado with the inlaws. This is the 8th year I've gone with the family. I still can't ski worth a shit, and every year I say the same thing. "I hate skiing, I hate the cold, and I'm not coming back next year!" Apparently I have a very bad memory because I do end up going back. Every.single.year. And every single year the wonderful ski patrol has to dispatch a search and rescue crew because someone in the family thought it would be hilarious to trick me into going down a black diamond. Ha ha asswipes, ha ha. In case you aren't familiar with ski terms, the trails on the mountain are color coded. Green = easiest/beginner, Blue = intermediate, Black = bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

Here are some pics from the trip...

Just another excuse for me to not take the trash out.

Our last night in Copper Mountain...please excuse that awful excuse for facial hair.

He was laying on a bench after skiing....my sentiments exactly BB.

Best part of the trip right here. It was called the chocolate sleigh ride. Me, BB, and my sister in law rode out to a tent in the woods and made smores and drank hot chocolate. That's my kind of vacation.

It wasn't yellow, I checked.

He was almost to the front door when we found him. Going to ski in his jammies I suppose.

Skiing solo for the first time.

If you have never been skiing, I don't recommend it. I mean, it looks super fun, and it is as long as you are a freaking expert. It's not so much fun when you slam face first into the mountain with such force that your ski smacks you in the back of the head. Oh, and did I mention that you can't breathe? We live below sea level, and Copper Mountain is 14,000 feet ABOVE sea level. What does that mean? It means I was gasping for air after putting my socks on. Good times.

Sign #17 that you may need to re-assess your parenting skillz

2009-03-11T09:27:00.002-05:00

Last Saturday BD and I were upstairs getting ready to go to the rodeo. BB was downstairs eating his cereal. This is a pretty normal occurance in our house, and he can usually be trusted to be downstairs by himself. Usually.

Just as we were finishing getting dressed, BB appears at the top of the stairs wearing nothing but his pajama top. "Where are your pants?" I asked him. "I took them off! I'm ready to get dressed!" he shrieked. So I herded him into his bedroom to get dressed when I noticed something on his butt. It was brown. Do you know where I'm going from here?

"Did you poop in your pull-up BB?"

"No I did NOT poop in my pull-up mom!"

"Then why do you have poop on your butt?"

"Because I went poopie outside."

"You wha? Outside? Like a dog?!"

He smiled proudly at me and nodded his head. So I cleaned him up and marched downstairs and out the back door and sure as shit (pun intended) there it was. A little pile of boy turds two inches from my patio. I guess he squatted on the patio to give himself leverage. Who even thinks of pooping outside? Where does he come up with this stuff?

What the Frick, Work?!

2009-03-04T11:00:00.002-06:00

Yesterday my boss called me into her office. I had been waiting for this meeting for months. It's the meeting where she tells me how much my raise is. I know this because it happens the same way, every.single.year.

The conversation begins. "You've done a great job this year...blah blah blah..good employee...blah...here is your salary increase" as she slides the yellow post-it across the desk like a ransom note. Smiling from ear, knowing it will be 6% because that's exactly what BFF got just two months previous, I turn the post-it over and almost have a fucking heart attack. No, this can't be right. 2.4%? Are you sure? Looking at her, looking back at the post-it, looking at her again to see if it's a joke. Maybe you misheard her over the phone? No? Have I done something wrong? What do you mean, cutbacks? They cut raises in half? THIS company cut raises in HALF?! The company* that made $14 BILLION in profit last year cut fucking raises in half?!?! I think I just had a stroke. What is this world coming to when our company has to make cutbacks??

I gave her a half-hearted smile and thought about everything for a second. When my blood pressure had made it down to a survivable level, I said to her with wholehearted honesty, "you know what, I'm just glad I still have job. This raise, no matter how small, is really just an added bonus." And it's true. There are so many people without work right now, so I'm going to count my blessings every day when I wake up because at least I have a job to go to.

However, if I get laid off, laid off from this company, I'll probably end up on the 10 o'clock news. Just sayin'.

*I'm not telling you who I work for but it wouldn't be hard to find out.

Warning: Mushy Post

2009-02-27T11:01:00.002-06:00

Now that I'm done with my emotional breakdown I can start blogging again. I know what happened doesn't seem that significant to some people, but getting pregnant is something that has consumed my life for the past two years.

Last night I was in the bathroom getting a bath ready for baby boy. He was playing with his new tugboat on the floor. I was looking in the mirror, stretching my face, pulling my eyes up, messing with my hair. I think we all have those days. Those days where we've been beaten down, and we look in the mirror and think, "shit, is this all I really have to work with anymore?" I was having one of those moments, silently in my head. Then, as if he could read my mind, baby boy looked up at me and said, "momma, you're beautiful."

I began to cry. I picked him up and he wrapped his arms around my neck as tight as he could. I just held him there, his head nestled into my neck, and I cried. He patted my back with his little hand and whispered, "it's okay mommy." This whole time I've been searching for that missing piece of my family, and have forgotten what a wonderful gift I've already been given. My heart is overflowing with love for this little person. This little person that I was pregnant with, that I did give birth to, that I do get to hold every single day.

So baby boy, this is for you. I love you more than I could ever put into words. And I'm sorry for not realizing that my life was complete already.

Suck it CVS

2009-02-25T15:09:00.003-06:00

I'm going to sue CVS for mental anguish. Drs office just called and my blood test came back negative. How in the fuckety-fuck did my stupid CVS pregnancy test turn positive then? Huh, CVS?? I would bitch slap you if you weren't made of brick. I'm taking my retard ovaries home and am going to cry into a glass of wine now.

My Doctor's Office is Trying to Kill Me

2009-02-25T14:41:00.002-06:00

So I'm waiting on this phone call from my Drs office. My fertility drs office to be exact. You see, it all started last night when I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. The line was incredibly faint, but two other people have verified that said line is indeed there, just so you don't think I'm crazy and shit. However, this morning when I took another one, there was no line. WTF is that about? After all the issues that I've had it's like a swift kick in the nuts. That's what it is.

So instead of running out and buying a hundred more tests, I decided to cut to the chase and call my fertility dr for a blood test. I went at 9am this morning. Yeah they got me in early. I may have sounded a little frantic, but that's neither here nor there. They were supposed to call me at 2pm with the results. As you can see it is now 2:45pm and I am on the verge of vomiting because I am so nervous. Why are they doing this to me????

IM convo between me and BFF:

Me... why haven't they called me
Me... I feel like I'm going to puke
BFF... i don't know
BFF... maybe you should call them
Me... like right before I lost my virginity
BFF... it's two forty
BFF... wow
Me... that's how I feel
Me... except less drunk
BFF... um this is totally a completely different situation
BFF... like comparing a roller coaster to a snail
Me... true, but both could have ended in pregnancy

I will update you all as soon as I hear something. Unless I die from sheer anticipation. Then I'll have BFF guest post for me.

My Birthday Weekend

2009-02-23T10:06:00.006-06:00

As most of you probably don't know, (because I think this is the only place I didn't advertise daily that my birthday was coming up), my 29th birthday was Saturday. My parents came into town to help me celebrate, along with several friends. We grilled steaks, hung out out on the patio, and played catch phrase....the best game known to man. It was awesome. In fact, it was so awesome, I had two birthday cakes. Big daddy got me one and BFF got me one. I'm thinking they didn't collaborate with eachother beforehand. Both cakes** were chocolate so it was all good. here they are:

This one is from Big Daddy. He got one of my baby pics put on the cake...he is a pretty awesome hubby. This baker obviously failed Centering & Spacing: 101.

This one is from BFF. She came in all pissed off. Apparently she asked for dots and got roses. And the birthday phrase was all jumbled. I guess the baker was all, "it's my shop and I'll do whatever the fuck I want with Amber's cake."

I had clinicals on Saturday and took care of the rudest patient EVER. Oh, and he was a transvestite. I'm saving that story for tomorrow :)

**I'm guessing my anonymity is out the window now. Don't be stalking me or anything.

Because I Know You Love Pictures

2009-02-18T16:03:00.002-06:00

Big daddy and I went to a concert a couple of weekends ago with BFF and BFF's boyfriend. I don't get out much since I'm so busy, but when I do get out I usually end up embarrassing my husband. Enjoy the pics!!

I seriously have no recollection of doing the booty-bump on my husbands crotch. I get very friendly when I've been drinking.

Waiting not so patiently for the concert to start...

Not getting cell phone reception. It really hindered my drunk dialing.

Yes, BFF, he does have a nice ass :)

Still no reception, and apparently this confuses me a great deal

I didn't get the memo to use "rock star tongue" in this picture

I looked at the pictures on the camera and was convinced that my head is "THIS BIG" compared to everyone elses

BFF, aka Little Miss OCD had to clean the table. She has issues.

Best friends for 24 years!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-02-18T07:38:00.002-06:00

Pictures from the anniversary dinner :)

He always has trouble smiling in pictures. It's like that episode of Friends when Monica and Chandler go to get their engagement pictures done, and Chandler can't take a decent picture to save his life. That's pretty much what happens to BD.

Steamy cheese fondue!

You didn't think there would be a picture without wine, did you?

Six Years of Wedded Bliss

2009-02-17T11:59:00.005-06:00

Big Daddy and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on Sunday. Yes, our wedding was the day after valentines day. Yes it was a stupid fucking idea. Yes it is impossible to get dinner reservations for our anniversary every year. And it is even more stupid because my birthday is the following week. So I pretty much fucked myself out of presents for the rest of my life.

Case in point:

We had dinner with my grandparents on Friday. When we were done, my gpa paid, and said "Happy valentines day....and anniversary....and birthday too!" Sweet.

I want to dedicate this post to my husband (who doesn't even read my blog, btw). He is a hopeless romantic who also happens to put up with my shit on a daily basis. He surprised me with impossible-to-get reservations to my favorite restaurant, the Melting Pot. But first, he bought me these:

Now I'm not a girly-girl at all, but I can surely appreciate a good pair of stilettos. And these.are.gorgeous! I tried them on and nearly had a shoegasm. What kind of man would know to buy his wife a pair of peep toe, black patent leather stilettos you ask? My man, that's who!

Now on to the Melting Pot. If you have never been there you have to go. Tonight. It is THAT GOOD. It's a fondue restaurant, which sounds kind of weird, but it is really, really good.

The first entree is a cheese fondue and they serve it with different types of bread and veggies and green apples (blech!). They have about thirty different kinds of cheeses to choose from and all sorts of stuff to mix in. YUM! The main course is the meat and veggies. They bring you out a huge platter full of raw meat. We had balsamic sirloin, shrimp, citrus chicken, pork tenderloin, and filet. You cook it in the broth type concoction of your choice. We like the red wine and mushroom one. The last course is the dessert. OH-MY-GOD. It's like an orgasm in a pot. They melt chocolate in the pot for you and add whatever ingredients you choose. One time we chose the smores one, and they added marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs to the melted chocolate. They serve it with bite sized brownies, pound cake, cheese cake, pirouette cookies, pretzels, and fruit. I could pretty much just eat that. And I would pretty much weigh 400 lbs.

After dinner we went home, uncorked a bottle of wine, and had romantic sexy time :) Ten years later he still makes me swoon!

Thank You Google

2009-02-13T09:11:00.010-06:00

So my brain has basically been inundated with school work lately, AND nothing funny has happened to me. That's really hard to believe isn't it? What does that mean for you, my faithful blog readers? No new blogs :( So I said to myself this morning, "self, you are going to post a new blog today if it kills you!" Then I remembered google analytics, and how those kinds of posts are great if you are lacking funny blog fodder because they pretty much write the post for you. So here is installment #3 of Google and the Freaks That Use It: Google searches that led people to my blog...

1. Tattoo coming up the pants - if your tattoo is coming up your pants it may be time to lay off the acid.

2. Wee my pants - You had a baby recently, didn't you?

3. Nicknames that start with the letter P - If you are googling potential nicknames, then you probably aren't cool enough to have a nickname in the first place. Go back to your mom's basement and play world of warcraft.

4. Sassy pants doggie diaper - Paris Hilton, is that you?

5. Sassy pregnant smoker - There is nothing "sassy" about a pregnant smoker. Replace the word sassy with the word selfish, or self-centered.

6. Southern sassy pants - I guess that would have been me before I became a mom.

7. SPM tattoo - OMG, someone out there loves me sooo much that they want to get a tattoo honoring me? Or perhaps they were talking about another SPM? Like say, the rapper South Park Mexican:

8. Cuss word grandma kitchen spongebob - You obviously read my blog.

9. Grandma pants 2009 - I'm guessing they probably look something like this, but with more elastic:

10. Hurting with a dog knot - Put the vodka and the dog down.

11. Meaning of sassy pants - It means I am a sweet southern belle, but I also don't take shit from anyone, and will happily put you in your place if you are being rude and/or condescending to me. I developed this trait from working in corporate america.

12. Mommy pants slang - Hmmm, I'm not sure if I have my own slang. I say stuff like buggy, wash rag, and washing powder. BD still makes fun of me about that. And he still laughs every.damn.time I say "can you cut the light off?"

13. Slim fast and lean cuisine diet - I don't recommend it. You'll just end up pissed off and still fat.

14. Dirty mommy cartoons - Wrong on so many levels.

15. Grandma got a tattoo - Yes she did.

16. Bow and arrow husband texas - I don't even know how to use a bow and arrow. Do you hear that cops-that-may-interrogate-me-someday?

17. Cartoon kids in big boy pants - I'm pretty sure most cartoon characters wear big boy pants and not diapers. You may want to try a different potty training method. "A" for effort though.

Wordless Wednesday - a day late

2009-02-12T10:11:00.001-06:00

Yeah, that pretty much sums up our marriage....

A New Addition!!

2009-02-10T08:51:00.003-06:00

BD's sister recently found out she is expecting her first baby. I was a little sad at first, and a tad bit jealous because they had only been trying for a couple of months. We've been trying for our second baby for about two years now, and I've dubbed myself Princess Stupid Ovaries.

Anhow, after I got over being bitter betty I started being over the moon excited that we were going to have a new addition in our family! Well, she went in for her first ultrasound yesterday and this is what they found:

TWINS!!! I'm going to be an aunt times two! I'm so freaking excited! The mother-to-be is in an obvious state of shock, but she'll get used to the idea soon. What a great day!

From the Mouths of Babes II

2009-02-09T08:56:00.006-06:00

I worked two 12 hour shifts this weekend at the hospital, and had to come back to my real job today. Needless to say, I'm freaking exhausted. When I got home last night my feet were swollen. I'm pretty sure my body is going to give out on me any day now. Anyhow, here are three things that my 3 year old son said to me within the span of an hour last night.

I got home around 7:30pm and BD was making dinner (YAY!). I asked BB about his day and we chatted a little bit. Then he looks at me and says "Mommy, you look like you have a baby in your tummy!" BD had to leave the room because he was laughing so hard. Lucky for him he did leave the room. I just sighed and said "that because mommy is wearing scrubs!!"

After dinner I was sitting on the couch with BB in my lap. I needed some snuggle time after being gone all weekend. He pulls my scrub shirt down and looks in and says "if your boobs run out of air, you will have to go to the boob factory to get them fixed." I said "mommy's boobs don't have air in them." He tilted his head and said, "yes they do, that's why they look like balloons."

THEN we were watching the freak show that was the grammys and Katy Perry came on singing "I Kissed a Girl". So BB looks at me and says, "Mommy, I wish you had a girl to kiss!" Awesome.

Brought to You by the Letter P...

2009-02-05T12:10:00.002-06:00

I got my letter from the coolest military chick I know, Calicobebop.

Here’s how it works...You leave a comment (asking for a letter) on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

1. Pajamas - I change into my pajama pants as soon as I get home from work. I can't wait until I'm a nurse full time and can wear scrubs to work.

2. Peaches - there is nothing like a ripe, juicy southern peach on a warm summer day.

3. Puppies - I have two boxers and have had them since they were both six weeks old. They are like my fur children.

4. People - I love being around people. We are constantly having friends over for dinner. I just love surrounding myself with people that I love! It makes my house feel all homey and stuff.

5. Pickles - the refrigerated Claussen kind is my favorite. I went down to the deli next to my office the other day and got a container of 10 pickles. And yes, I ate all of them. I paid for it later that night.

6. Pregnancy - I loved being pregnant, even though I was deathly ill for almost 6 entire months. I loved feeling baby boy move and wiggle. I loved the way he would respond to his daddy's voice and certain songs. I miss it.

7. Pimples - not on my face, but on other people. I like to pop them. Gross, I know, but it is a freakish addiction. Same goes with bed sores at the hospital. The deeper the better.

8. Pots and Pans - cause I love to cook! I got an awesome set of calphalon cookware for my wedding and have put them to good use! See #4.

9. Puddin' Pie - one of my many cheesy nicknames for baby boy. What? You didn't think I could make a list of things I love without mentioning him, did you?

10. Perseverance - Mine, that is. I never take stuff lying down. If something in my life sucks, I do whatever I can to change it. If something in school is hard, I study more. If something at work isn't going my way, I do something about it. My perseverance hasn't failed me yet!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm....

2009-02-04T07:40:00.002-06:00

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been super busy with hospital shit. I switched hospitals and had to go through computer training and orientation. Both of which lasted and entire fucking day. And what does that mean? It means I had to take TWO days of precious vacation to attend these.

This will be short post because, as you can imagine, I have a lot of work to catch up on today.

Anyhoo, so I pull into the parking lot of the training building at 7am yesterday. I was groggy and hadn't had coffee yet, so I had to look at these signs several times. First I saw this sign laying on the ground, kind of propped up against the back of the shopping center:

Then I look up and to the right and this sign is hanging on the back of the shopping center:

Does anyone else find the humor in this? Did the barber shop thing just not work out? Did they think taking care of old and mentally impaired people would be easier? Do they cut their hair too? I have so many questions.

In Local News....

2009-01-28T15:38:00.005-06:00

Local News Story of the Day **

All I have to say is, if I'm going out in a blaze of glory, it won't be with a bow and arrow. Stiletto, maybe, but not a bow and arrow.

** A pretty solid reason why you shouldn't fuck with anyone in Texas...most of us carry guns.

Reprimanded by a Pre-School Teacher

2009-01-28T10:45:00.001-06:00

So the other morning when I drop BB off at preschool, the teacher pulls me aside and says "I'm a little worried about BB's language." And being the proud mom that I am I'm thinking that his language skills have so far exceeded that of his classmates that they want to go ahead and send him to middle school. Then I realized that would be a ridiculous idea because he is only three and probably couldn't reach the lockers....or defend himself from wedgies. Ahem.

She continues despite the glazed over look on my face, "BB has been using the 'S' word a lot." I said, "um, excuse me? The 'S' word?" Her voice in almost a whisper now, "Yes, he has been using it a lot towards his classmates and we are a bit concerned about it." Knowing damn good and well that BD and I do NOT cuss in front of BB (as shocking as that may seem to you), I am a little more than off put by her accusation. I'm sure she could tell that by the look on my face.

"You see, Mrs. SPM, we have heard him call the other children....stupid...on three separate occasions this week alone." What? Stupid? She has made me 10 minutes late for work so we could discuss at length my three year old saying stupid? Psh! Call me when he starts taking bets on the playground and smoking cigars lady, I don't have time for this non-sense!

It's an Addiction, Sir!!

2009-01-23T10:59:00.010-06:00

I smoke. You all know that. It's a gross habit that is almost impossible to quit. Not only that but I have the willpower of Amy Winehouse around crack, so quitting has never been particularly easy for me. BFF smokes too. This makes it even more difficult to quit. Bottom line, I know it's a gross habit, I know it's offensive, and I sure as fuck know it's bad for me. What I don't know is why some self-righteous people feel it is their duty to inform me of everything I just listed.

This wasn't the first time it happened, and I'm certain it won't be the last, but yesterday, BFF and I were outside *gasp* smoking here at work. We were in deep conversation when an old man walks by and slows down when he sees us. "You know if you have to hide in a corner to smoke that it's bad for you!" Astounded, we both turn our heads to him, trying to process what he just said. Without even thinking I shouted, "OMG I had NO IDEA!" BFF stood there still in shock, then a few seconds later the old man said, "You know, I never smoked because my momma wouldn't let me." (PS - I don't think you should still say 'momma' when you're 80.)

BFF's eyes got really wide, then she raised her cigarette, shook it at him and said "IT'S AN ADDICTION, SIR!" I'm sure she added the sir at the end because we're southern and have manners and shit, unlike this asshole. We both walked back to our respective offices, still fuming over what just happened. Then the instant messages started:

Me - "Did that dude just insult our mothers?"

BFF - "That's what I got from it."

Me - "So he was pretty much saying we weren't raised right?!"

BFF - "Well, we weren't raised right...but who the hell is he to judge?!"

Me - "Yeah, smoking is really the least of our problems that resulted from the way we were raised."

Is it just me or was this guy totally out of line? I mean, we weren't smoking near him. We were in the smoking section for pete's sake! And who the fuck is he to judge? I wouldn't go up to an obese person at a restaurant and say, "Do you really need that fried chicken, because you know it's bad for you." Because what aforementioned obese person shoves in their pie hole is really none of my business.

Worst.Morning.Ever.

2009-01-22T07:42:00.003-06:00

I am so, so tired right now. It all started around 1am this morning. Baby boy started rolling around and whining a little bit. The whining got progressively louder and more obnoxious. (Yes he sleeps with us, don't judge!) Then the whining turned into full out cries and I thought I should probably stop pretending to sleep and see what is wrong with him. He kept saying that his legs were hurting. Ahh, we've been down this road before. Growing pains.

So I hold him for a little bit and tell him I'll be right back. I look at BD on the way out the room and say, "I know you're not asleep asshole." I take the firt step down the stairs and fall. Right on my tailbone. I only slid down to the first landing so I guess that's the silver lining. I could have rode my ass all the way to the tiled foyer. I finally make it to the kitchen, cursing the day we decided to buy a two story house. I grab two baby tylenol and a sippy with some water and head back upstairs.

I crawl back in bed next to baby boy and give him his medicine and sippy cup. The dog starts crying. For the love of pete! I guess the damn dog needs to go to the bathroom now. At 1:30 in the fucking morning. So I trek my ass downstairs again to let the damn dog out. I did not fall this time. I crawled back into bed and baby boy said "I need to go potty." So I get out of the mf'n bed again and pick him up and bring him to the bathroom. "I don't really need to go anymore." OMG, I almost lost my shit. I put him back in bed. "I don't need to go potty because I already teed in my pants!!" Then he hit me directly on the shin with his sippy cup. I have a lovely blue knot on my leg to show for that.

Oh, but that's not all my friends. I finally woke up after hitting snooze 15 times and hopped in the shower. OF COURSE all the hot water was gone, why wouldn't it be? I probably am developing pneumonia as we speak. So I get dressed and start drying my hair, feeling completely defeated at this point and thinking I should have probably stayed in bed when, the mother fucking dog pukes on my foot. ON MY FOOT!

I am tired, my ass hurts, my shin hurts, and I'm wearing mismatched socks. I seriously feel sorry for the next person that crosses me. And like a good little blogger, I took a picture this morning to document the mood that pretty much consumed all three of us, seen here, on Baby Boy's face...

It's a Bag Meme!

2009-01-21T08:59:00.005-06:00

I was tagged by super awesome Matter of Fact Mommy (who secretly wishes she lived in Texas, but that's neither here nor there)...

Meme Rules:

1) Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today (or the last time you left the house).

2) I want to know how much it cost:) And this is not to judge, because I’m honestly telling you I was ready to put down some cash; I just got lucky. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it.

3) Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your diaper bag/non-diaper bag.

Ok, so before I post a picture of the bag I am currently carrying, I would like to explain something. I am not into fashion. Not even a wee little bit. I haven't bought a pair of shoes in over a year, and I've NEVER bought myself a purse. Ever. My mother in law is the complete opposite of me. She is a fashionista that dresses like a hundred times better than me and she is 55 years old. (Sidenote: she totally has the money to dress nice and I don't.) It would be a little embarrassing if I cared. So every Christmas she buys me a new bag. It is either Dooney & Bourke, or my favorite, Coach. Don't hate.

This year, it was a coach hobo shoulder bag:
I love this bag. It is big enough to fit a spare change of clothes in for BB, a spare pull up, a sippy cup, and several monster trucks, not to mention the everyday crap I carry. Here's a list of what's in it now:

Wallet
Checkbook
Camera
Phone
Antibacterial Lotion
Smokes
Nicorette
A prescription for Chantix (kind of ironic isn't it?)
Nasonex for my allergies
A gift certificate for a 1 hour massage (I am sooo using that this week)
A gc for James Avery Jewelers (I'm just too lazy to go to the mall to use it)
Fake Gucci sunglasses (That's what rocks about Houston, you can find fake anything)
Burt's bees lip balm
3 tubes of lip gloss (which is weird because I never wear lip gloss)
A gc to Outback Steakhouse (Like we can ever go to a restaurant that doesn't feature a dancing rodent)
Several unfinished care plans for school

I'm tagging:

Everybody's Working for the Weekend
It's Not Me, It's You (don't get busted this time!)
Erin Jeannine at Crazy Parrot Lady
and Mary

Random Conversations

2009-01-19T07:47:00.002-06:00

So we were driving home on Saturday from dropping BB off with my gma. We meet her halfway in a podunk little town that is mostly comprised of cow pastures and an occassional house. This is the conversation that took place between BD and I:

SPM - "wow, look at all that land!"

BD - "It'd be fun to take a four wheeler out there."

SPM - "yeah, until you hit a pot-hole and fly off and break your neck and leave me a widow and your son fatherless."

BD - "How would a pasture have a pot-hole?"

SPM - "I don't know, the cows probably dig them."

BD - "I don't think cows dig."

SPM - "Yes they do, that's why they're always huddled in groups. Stupid."

BD - "So when I see a group of cows they are probably up to no good?"

SPM - "Exactly."

**Passing a huddling of cows at that exact moment**

BD - "It looks like they were just eating to me."

SPM - "That's what they want you to think."

Seeing that reason was going to get him nowhere in this conversation, BD changed the subject.

The Day Grandma Got a Tattoo

2009-01-15T10:45:00.005-06:00

...on her ass.

It all started the first thanksgiving BD and I hosted at our new home. It was shortly after we were married, and baby boy hadn't come along yet. Trust me, this is pertinent information. Let me start off by saying that my gma is not like ordinary gma's. She is the most awesome gma in the entire universe. She is down with hip slang and shares my sense of humor. For example, she calls Pinot Grigio (the wine) penis george. I don't know why and I don't ask but it is damn funny.

So my gma and aunt came to stay with me the night before thanksgiving to help me prepare for the feast. We ordered take out and were preparing stuff for the next day. I opened a bottle of wine. We quickly finished said bottle of wine. It went pretty quick because we were laughing and having a great time. I think we opened another bottle when the topic of tattoos came up. My gma said, "you know, I think I want to get one." I was like "okay, if you want one so bad let me take you to my guy." I completely called her bluff. Then she said, "okay, if you're driving!"

So the three of us piled into my aunts car, and drove half way across town to my tattoo guy. I walk in with two 65 year old women, and we were met with an array of looks. He hugged me and asked if I was there for another and I said, "nope, my gma wants one this time." He shrugged his shoulders and said "sweet! Wish my gma was that cool!"

There was a little bit of a wait so we went to the pool hall next door and ordered a bucket of corona. We were all a teensy bit inebriated by the time it was her turn, so I called big daddy (like the responsible adult I am) and told him we needed a ride home. The conversation went a little something like this:

SPM - "hey big daddy, I need you to come get us."

BD - "where are you guys? There is a turkey in the sink and two empty wine bottles on the table."

SPM - "Yeah, about that...I'm gonna need you to come get us at the tattoo parlor"

BD - "no, seriously, where are y'all?"

SPM - "We are seriously at the tattoo place, can you please just come get us."

BD - "Are you getting another tattoo? With your grandmother?!"

SPM - *giggle* "Not exactly, just come up here"

BD - "Well what the...never mind, I'll be there in twenty"

Big Daddy has learned not to ask too many questions in situations like this.

Meanwhile, Gma picked out a cross tattoo just like the one I have on my right ass cheek. Plus she is a really devout catholic, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. I know, stop laughing. She decided she wanted it on her ass too. So we went to the back and she dropped trou. I still couldn't believe what was happening. She was a freaking trooper. She didn't even grimace! I don't know if it was the wine or her pain tolerance level, but when I got mine I was squirming like a baby.

In walks Big Daddy as he sees my gma getting a tattoo....on her ass. I can't even put into words the look that was on his face. I was all "take a pic of it on your camera and send it to gpa." He's like "the fuck I am! I don't want him to be pissed at me." He ended up doing it because I threatened to withhold the vagina for two weeks. He sent the picture with a message that just said "They made me do it."

Our tattoos look similiar to this, but with color:

Driving home, BD looked at us and said, "never in my life did I think I would be the designated driver for you three."

The next day gpa had a conversation with big daddy about "keeping the ladies under control" or something. I think he secretly likes the tattoo.

And that, my friends, is a thanksgiving I will never forget.

Google and the Freaks That Use It

2009-01-15T10:07:00.002-06:00

This is the post where I let google do the writing for me. Without further ado, google searches that led people to my blog:

Flu - no thanks, I've more than filled my flu quota for the year.

pregnant using seasonique - I don't think you're using it right. Mass hemorrhaging maybe, but not pregnancy.

seasonique + awful - welcome, you've come to the right place.

titskies - I swear to God I have never in my life used the word titskies. I do own a pair though.

south texas carnies - four words for you, google searcher... do.not.trust.them!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-14T10:30:00.000-06:00

There was a cherub in my bed this weekend...

Cartoons That Torture Me

2009-01-12T12:15:00.008-06:00

Like most children his age, Baby Boy loves his cartoons. I feel guilty plopping him down in front of the TV, but I'm so busy lately that I have no choice. If I didn't occasionally do this we wouldn't have dinner, clean laundry, and a mom that showers.

I've compiled a list of his favorite cartoons, and an explanation of each in case you don't have a three year old at home. Let's just say, cartoons have changed a lot since I was a kid. Whatever happened to the Flintstones and Smurfs?

1. Wow-Wow Wubbzy - an unidentifiable creature that says "wow-wow" before every sentence. And yes, it is as annoying as you think it is. I just recently figured out that Wubbzy was a he. He also says stuff like bally-ball, kickety-kick, and bakety-bake. It makes me want to stickety-stick a forkety-fork in my eye.

2. Spongebob Squarepants - a yellow sea sponge (but looks more like a kitchen sponge?) that resides in Bikini Bottom. He lives in a pineapple, works as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab making Krabby Patties, and has a pet snail named Gary. Overall, he's not a bad guy except for his incessant fingernails-on-a-chalkboard laugh. Oh, and he wears tighty whiteys.

3. Yo Gabba Gabba - This is the kind of stuff that haunts my nightmares. Look at that freak show in the orange hat. His name is DJ Lance Rock. Rock is the last thing I want to do when this guy is on the TV. It's like a show straight out of the 70's with its retro music and psychedelic special effects. The characters names are Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodie, and Plex. This show was definitely created when someone was on a bad acid trip.

4. Ni Hao, Kai Lan - This is a cartoon about a Chinese girl and her animal friends. She speaks in half English and half mandarin. Like my kid isn't confused enough by English and Spanish. We live in Texas for fuck's sake. And by the way, I'm slightly disturbed by the ratio of her head and body size, not to mention how freakishly far apart her eyes are. When she wakes the sun up she tickles him, and then says "ohhh, sun fuzzies!" So I tried that with BB the other morning and he looked at me with a grimace and said "you know mommy, the sun doesn't really talk." Well excuse me person-that-has-been-on-this-earth a mere 38 months!

5. Max & Ruby - Max and Ruby are brother and sister that live alone...I have no idea what happened to their parents. Max is the small one. This little bastard has taught my son to revert back to baby talk to get what he wants, and then subsequently throw a huge tantrum when I don't respond. Thanks Nickelodeon.

6. Dora the Explorer - Hey, Nickelodeon, Dora and explorer don't rhyme. Dora speaks in half Spanish and half English, which is cool until BB starts speaking to me in Spanish and I have no idea what the hell he is talking about. Then he looks at me like I'm the dumbass. And whoever is the fashion coordinator on this show should be fired. Pink shirt, orange shorts, and yellow socks? WTF?

They Just Keep Coming...

2009-01-08T13:57:00.002-06:00

The bad days that is. I had a really bad night at school. I am not going into that right now because it gives me a headache just thinking about it. So this morning I get baby boy all ready for pre-school. I'm proud of the fact that I'm not running late for once. I pull into the school and get BB out of his carseat when I notice....that he is not wearing shoes. What kind of a mother forgets to put shoes on their child?! WTF is wrong with me? So of course when we walk in BB shouts, "My mommy forgot my shoes!! HAHAHA!!!" Nice.

At Least I Still Have a Job

2009-01-07T07:59:00.003-06:00

This week has been pretty craptastic to say the least. First, the stopping smoking thing has not really been working out for me. Mainly because I didn't stop smoking, and that puts a hinder on quitting. Well that's not actually true. I did stop. For 5 days. And I turned into such a mean and nasty person that BD actually stopped the car and bought me some smokes. So apparently, he would rather be married to someone with lung cancer than someone that is a raving lunatic and/or huge bitch.

Then on Monday, I was in such a bad mood, and my boss completely pushed me over the proverbial edge. There was a box in my office when I came back from lunch. Then she walked in, and the conversation went a little something like this:

Boss - "Why haven't you sent these books out, they're a month overdue"
SPM - "Dude, today is the first time I've even seen said box."
Boss - "This box has been sitting in my office for a month! It should have been done!"
SPM - "Well, if it's been in your office, how am I supposed to know about it?"
Boss - "You open my mail don't you? You should have opened the box!"
SPM - "That doesn't even make sense!"

So then she stomps out and I begrudgingly get the labels made and envelopes to send out these stupid journals. I walk over and open the box and it is not.even.books. It is stuff she left at the hotel on her last business trip. I was livid. I drug that damn box back into her office, stood up, put my hands on my hips. And then I verbally bitch slapped her.

"Next time you want to yell at me about something not being done, make sure you open the damn box first!!!"

So yeah. Then we had an hour and a half meeting about respect or something. And she took away my 4 day-10 hour work schedule. Do you know what that means? It means I have to work fucking Fridays again. GAH! So basically my new year's resolution has come back to bite me in the ass. I will never make another resolution. Mark my words!

Honest Scrap Award

2009-01-05T12:23:00.003-06:00

I got tagged by Matter of Fact Mommy for the Honest Scrap Award. I have to list ten things about myself that are, I'm guessing, honest? Sooo, I will do my best. Try not to laugh too hard.

1. I have four tattoos. Two of them have special meaning, one of them was rebellious, and one of them is the same as the one on my gma's ass. I'll tell you that story later.

2. On my 24th birthday I pierced my girly place. Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. I screamed curse words I didn't even know I knew. The piercing came out the day I gave birth to baby boy.

3. I have been in college since 1998. My parents call me a career student. I just call me indecisive with an insatiable appetite for learning.

4. I'm infertile. At 28 years old I know that I will never have another child. Ever. It makes me cherish baby boy, and has turned me into a neurotic, super over protective mother. BFF can totally atest to this.

5. I love nursing. Absolutely LOVE it. I can't believe people get paid to do it. I'm a nurturer, and I love taking care of people in general, so this is definitely my calling in life.

6. I have a serious, debilitating phobia of clowns and people wearing masks. Even typing the c word out gives me the chills. This one time in Vegas one of them came out of nowhere in the casino and was all up in my face and I punched him. I left big daddy there to apologize while I hyperventilated in the bathroom.

7. I met BD at a keg during a frat party my first year of college. Romantic, eh?

8. My father passed away 7 years ago from a massive heart attack. He was 37 years old.

9. My grandmother is the most amazing human being I have ever known. She is pretty close to being a saint in my book.

10. Every woman in my family has huge boobs.

I'm going to tag:

Calicobebop
Amber D at Everybody's Working for the Weekend
I Need a Martini Mom
Crystal at It's Not Me, It's You
Leslie at Stethoscopes and Stilettos

An Open Letter to My Cold/Flu/Pneumonia

2009-01-05T07:49:00.004-06:00

Dear Cold/Flu/Pneumonia,

I know you have happily resided in my sinus/head/lung region for oh, I don't know, about two weeks now. This is your notice of eviction, bitch. You have completely worn out your welcome in this host. Don't you think it's time to go torment someone else? Get a new, fresh set of lungs? Mine are pretty much on their death bed right about now. I've been hacking up stuff that is unrecognizable to me at this point. And I'm practically a nurse, so that's pretty scary. When I breathe in and out I'm wheezing like a fat asthmatic kid that just ran a half lap with a coach screaming in his face. Surely this is not a good sign. I tried to look up wheezing in my nursing book last night but then I started coughing so hard that my eyes started watering and then I couldn't even see to read anything. So thanks, mucus, thanks for making me sick and blind. Wheezing could mean that I'll be dead in three days, but I'll never know now.

Signed,
Sneezy McCoughy

I spoke to my mom last night and she's all "Oh my God, are you sick again?!" And I'm all, "NO MOM, it's the same DAMN COLD!" And then she's all, "So then you're going to the doctor tomorrow, right?" And I'm all, "No, I'm going to a little thing called work." And then she's like "I think you mean to say no ma'am." (Then I silently cursed the fact that I still get in trouble for not saying ma'am to her). Then came the "Do you need me to call your boss?" And then I hung up on her. I love my mom.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-31T10:18:00.004-06:00

I hope you all have a safe and happy New Year's Eve!!!

Post Christmas Post..hehe

2008-12-30T07:16:00.005-06:00

Hello there doogs, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! We certainly did. BB hit the motherload as far as gifts are concerned. I thought I would give you a little taste of our Christmas by doing a picture post...Enjoy!

This is what I opened with frantic anticipation from BD. No, I'm not kidding. He probably wishes I were kidding right about now though. That's the last time he will give me anything in a box that says "as seen on TV".

Ahhh, but my mother in law's gifts make up for it....

I had no idea how shitty my camera was until I actually got a nice one! My old camera was 4.0 megapixels, and this one is 10. That's SIX more megapixels for those of you that didn't major in math.

Yeah, she's pretty awesome, don't be jealous.

I just like this picture. It's our oldest boxer, Tyson, on Christmas morning. I was eating a cookie*, cuz I'm healthy like that, and he really wanted one. It looks like he's praying.

Tree at in-law's house, with the presents creeping towards the kitchen....

Santa, that fat bastard, got the credit for the most awesome toy evah...

Yeah, he loved it. I think he even squealed like a little girl at one point.

Ahh, now I bring you to Kota the Triceratops. What.the.fuck. This big ass dinosaur is now sitting in the middle of my living room. And if you walk by it, it kind of growls at you. Like it's cat calling me. Like I really needed another pervert living at my house.

So that about sums up our Christmas morning. Which reminds me, I hate the time right after Christmas, it's very anti-climactic an depressing. Tell me the best part about your Christmas morning to cheer me up :)

*(I was drinking mimosa's too, what about it?)

Tuesday Meme

2008-12-23T14:07:00.005-06:00

I stole this from Matter of Fact Mommy, because she is my long lost sister and I want to be just like her.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Injected fertility drugs into my belly for 14 days straight (I may blog about it later...I haven't yet because I really try not to depress my readers!)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any on purpose last year...this year is to quit smoking!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one close to me. I need some new babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My sweet grandmother

5. What countries did you visit?
Yeah, like I have the money to visit other countries

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A new addition to the family

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 1 - the day my gma passed away

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting accepted into nursing school. That shit is hard yo.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not sticking to my workouts and diet

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Kidney stones 4 times. OMG. DAMN ALL THE KIDNEY STONES!!!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought BD's new truck this year and I love it!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
BB's....he is finally potty trained. Hallelujah!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage and pre-school

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I'm gonna go with getting into nursing school again. Took me two years!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Whatever You Like" - I have very small ghetto side.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Smarter!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drink

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my in-laws, BD and BB

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I was already in love :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Gray's Anatomy hands down

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope, no time for hate in my life

24. What was the best book you read?
"Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" - by Chelsea Handler

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jack Johnson - I could listen to him all day

26. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get into nursing school.

27. What did you want and not get?
A sibling for BB

28. What was your favorite film that you saw this year?
Baby Mama

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I honestly have no idea what I did on my bday this year. 28

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my ovaries weren't so fucking retarded

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I have zero fashion concept. If you ever see me looking fashionable, BFF probably dressed me

32. What kept you sane?
BFF for sure

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I am absolutely fascinated with Angelina Jolie and her 17 kids

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
"Re-distribution of wealth"

35. Who did you miss?
My gma

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Susan and Shellie in nursing school.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Everything happens for a reason. I know it sounds very cliche', but it is very true.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You got me?!

Tuesday Morning in the SPM Household....

2008-12-23T07:37:00.005-06:00

BB is staying with my gma. We left him there when we came back from visiting. I think he likes it better there than he does at home. I'm just telling you this so you don't assume he was witness to what happened in my bathroom this morning.

BD was in the shower, singing christmas songs at the top of his lungs.

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose...."
"Rudolph with your nose so bright won't you drive my sleigh tonight"

Then in the best Joe Pesci voice he can muster:

"Pull your own fucking sleigh santa! Suck my red nose!"

I look through the shower door in bewilderment and tilt my head to the side.

He said, "that was the mafia version."

Oh, right, the mafia version. Duh.

And then after he got out of the shower he smelled my armpits because I couldn't remember if I put on deodorant. We're weird.

At Least I Get it Honest

2008-12-22T07:58:00.005-06:00

It is 32 degrees here in H-town today. I'm freezing my nuts off. If I had aforementioned nuts, they would have been dropped in the parking garage this morning. Or up in my throat. So last night I was all excited about the impending weather change while I was watching the weather with BD. He said "don't get too excited, it's supposed to be 75 on Christmas day." Son of a bitch! Can we get ONE Christmas where everyone is not wearing shorts? Just ONE?!

1. We had Christmas with my parents and grandparents this weekend. It was awesome. I love hanging out with my family and always come back with good stories. Stories that some how involved alcohol. See you guys, if I didn't come from a family of alcoholics, I would have nothing to blog about. Then what would you do all day? You're welcome.

Last time we were in town over Thanksgiving break, my dad got really drunk, which is totally normal. My parents have an L shaped countertop in their kitchen, and BD and I were sitting on barstools eating dinner there. Dad came in from outside, lost his balance, and was walking the perimeter of the counter. The only thing holding his ass up was the counter because he was walking at an angle. Can you guess what happened next? Yeah, he ran out of counter. He was still walking with his gangsta lean and when he ran out of the support of a countertop, he fell flat on his face. Good times. BD and I never missed a beat, we just kept eating like this was a completely normal scenario. I think I managed to mutter a "you okay dad?" between the laughter. If I don't laugh I'll cry people!

2. After much cajoling I've convinced BFF to start a blog because her life is just as, if not more, funny than mine. Go check her out here. Single mom of a five year old drama queen. Funny stuff.

3. It's that time of year again...time to make resolutions! I hate resolutions. Loathe them, actually. However, this year I'm making a very important one. As most of you know I've been doing my clinicals in the critical care unit. Most of the patients I take care of have been smokers. To see the effects of smoking first hand is terrifying. I've always known smoking was bad for you, but to actually see the damage it does to a person has shaken me to the core. I have a beautiful son that is my world and I want to be around to enjoy my grandchildren. So, my resolution is to stop smoking. I'm terrified and nervous and pray every day that I will be strong enough to succeed. But lucky for you it should make for a lot of interesting blog fodder :)

So what are some of you resolutions? Hopefully we can encourage eachother!

Let's Reminisce

2008-12-17T09:59:00.006-06:00

I want to start this post by saying that we really aren't a bunch of raging alcoholics, even though it seems that way sometimes. We do enjoy drinking and sometimes we don't know when to call it a night, and that's when funny shit happens.

Let me tell you about last Christmas. We spent it at my in-laws house and on Christmas eve we have a tradition of making a ton of hoers d oeuvres (no fucking clue if I spelled that right), wrap presents, watch a christmas story, and drink. The ladies stuck to wine, but I'm pretty sure the guys were pounding whiskey.

My father in law flips houses and he had one down the street that hadn't sold yet, so we called that the Santa Staging Area (SSA). That is where we kept all the presents that were from santa so the kids wouldn't see them. The plan was for BD, bro-in-law and father-in-law (FIL) to go get the gifts after the kids were asleep. They were supposed to be wrapped and ready to go. Oops.

So around midnight the guys head over to the SSA and they are gone a really long time. I was fully convinced that they had been cuffed and stuffed on christmas eve for drunk driving. Just then they came in the front door with some of the gifts. BD didn't look so good. I asked wtf took them so long. FIL said one of the 'elves' was busy puking in the front yard of the SSA so it took them a little longer. Awesome. So I sent BD's drunk ass to bed and finished helping with the gifts. The more gifts I put out the more I started to notice how weird they looked. Some were half wrapped, some had the paper on backwards, some had tape wrapped around them about 8 times in one continuous circle. That's when I realized we forgot to go wrap them and the drunk elves had to do it themselves. I didn't even think about the name tags that night.

The real hilarity ensued the next morning. My two year old son opened a screwdriver set. I opened a pair of size 12 cole haan mens dress shoes. BD got a fuzzy robe. Apparently they wrappped all of the gifts and the name tags were an after thought. They completely guessed as to which gift went to who. Since then whiskey has been banned from Christmas eve festivities.

I Fought the Wine and the Wine Won

2008-12-16T07:54:00.008-06:00

So last night pinot grigio was all "put the bottle down, I'll still be here tomorrow." And I'm all, "no pinot grigio, I love you!" Then I woke up with a massive headache. Or hangover. Depending on how you look at it.

Big daddy and baby boy are sick. Tis the season I guess. And that usually happens when you get snow one day, and 78 degree weather the next. Gotta love Texas!

Last weekend we took baby boy to the hockey game. He loves watching sports and he's only three. He is definitely going to be a sports fanatic like his daddy. One thing he does not love is taking pictures.

Exhibit A:

At least he's looking in the direction of the camera this time....

I guess his little hands weren't doing the job fast enough:

"Seriously Mom, enough with the damn camera"

BD has this theory that I'm a complete bad luck charm. He won't even let me gamble near him when we go to Vegas because he always starts losing. He sends me over to the penny slots in the corner of the casino with the rest of the derelicts. The one time I was left to my own devices I thought, "I'll show his ass and win lots of money at the craps table!" I lost $240 in 10 minutes and wasn't allowed to have any more money for the rest of the trip.

So his theory was pretty much proven at the hockey game. I needed to go to the restroom and grab another beer. When I left my seat the game was tied 1-1. When I got back we were winning 6-1. What the fuck?

Holy Weather Change Batman!!

2008-12-11T09:10:00.005-06:00

Tuesday here in Houston it was 75 degrees and humid. Wednesday? Wednesday it snowed for the first time in, oh, a decade! We were sent home early from work, and later that night I could hear all the neighbors outside. The kids were playing and the adults were just amazed. I'm sure the yankees are laughing right about now.

And look, the snow actually stuck to the ground!

He kept eating it. He said it tasted like "cold icee cubes."

Our snowman. We made his eyes out of skittles and his nose was a toothpick because us southern folks aren't equipped for snowman construction like you northerners.

Making snowballs together....

Everyone seems to be in a good mood today. It's amazing what a little snow in Texas can do!

PS - There were about 100 wrecks on the freeways this morning. No big surprise there.

Stuff Your Mom Should Tell You

2008-12-10T08:41:00.005-06:00

So there is a dirty little secret about having kids that your mom (and friends, thanks assholes) never tells you about when you get pregnant. In retrospect, it should have been obvious. I mean that sweet little 7 pound blob did spend 9 months residing on your bladder. Then you have to push and shove and grunt and groan it out...over your bladder. Are we seeing a pattern here? Yeah.

The first sign of my trouble was about an hour or so after I had given birth to baby boy. I wanted to take a shower and stood up and felt something running down my leg. I looked down and realized it was pee. Nice. I looked at the nurse and said, "um, I'm peeing on myself and pretty much can't stop it." That is not a good feeling my friends. Of course it got progressively better once I was all healed up from having my vag blown out by that angelic little creature.

Ah, but did it go away? Negative. Now the pee sneaks out when I least expect it. When I cough or sneeze. When I laugh too hard, which is hard to avoid with my childish sense of humor. It's pretty common for me to stop mid-laugh and say "SHIT!" and run off to the bathroom. One time I had the stomach flu. The only thing more humiliating than having your head in the toilet all day is pissing down your leg a little every time you wretch. Good times.

I finally made an appointment with the lady doctor to address this problem. She ran a bunch of test to check out my muscle strength down in that region. She made me do kegels with her fingers all up in me. That's totally not weird or humiliating. She agreed that if the kegels didn't work I'd probably need a bladder suspension. Surgery? No thanks. The only thing I'm suspending on my body is these behemoth boobs.

So, I've accepted my fate.....

Yes, I'm kidding. I'm going to have the surgery. Blah!

Conversations That Embarrass Me

2008-12-08T11:53:00.005-06:00

This is going to be short because I'm uber busy with work and trying to churn out a ten page paper on patients that are of a culturally different background. Thank God I finally found an African to corner and answer cheesy questions for said paper. Like a real African, not an African-American to my French-American. It was the end of a very long day and I saw her and was all "OMG you are of a different color!" What I meant to say was "OMG you are of a different culture!" And my friend looked at me and was all, "did you really just say that to her?" Thank goodness she laughed, but I still felt like an asshole. Such is my life, and mouth.

Anyhow, here is a conversation that actually took place in my bathroom this morning.

SPM - My hair is pissing me off! Look at it, just look! It's all flippy and curly and shit!
BD - That's normal, you're getting older.
SPM - WTF?
BD - You know, cuz women's hair gets curly as they get older.
SPM - ??? No it doesn't.
BD - Yes it does. Look at all these old ladies with really curly hair.
SPM - That's because they perm it you fucking retard.

Damn You, Pinot Grigio!

2008-12-04T07:40:00.003-06:00

Hi, I'm an alcoholic and have no self control. I like wine, especially pinot grigio. My husband calls me a wino but he still buys it for me. I guess because he doesn't like drinking his keystones (aka-stonies) alone....ick. Any how, last night it all started with dinner. I wanted a glass of wine while I was cooking, which is totally normal and fine. Then big daddy started talking about a Christmas budget and so obviously I had to pour another glass because it was a very serious/hives inducing conversation.

Then two glasses became four, then the next thing I know I wake up in a ditch on the outskirts of Tijuana next to a dead donkey and I'm all what the fuck? I was just making dinner and hanging Christmas lights! It's the pinot grigio. It's bad, bad stuff!

Ok, that last part isn't true. Like I could have made it back from Tijuana already.

Maybe it's a southern thing. Southern girls like to drink. Case in point:

Most of the pictures bff and I have together we both have a death grip on a miller lite bottle. (With lime please, thanks.) Guess which one I am.

And another thing, which looking at the picture reminded me of. BFF and I wear the same thing all.the.fucking.time. And we work together so it makes for some awkward situations. We have worn the same outfit three times this week, and it's only Thursday. Here is an instant message conversation we had this morning:

BFF - ok, let's get this over with
BFF - what are you wearing
SPM - pink and black shirt
BFF - awesome
SPM - you?
BFF - black and white
SPM - awesome
SPM - I don't even own any black and white outfits so you're always safe wtih that
BFF - LOL
BFF - it's a white button down under a black sweater with black pants
SPM - mine is a white button down under a pink sweater
SPM - with black pants
BFF - awesome
BFF - so the only difference is the color of our sweater
SPM - yeah, uh huh
BFF - this has got to stop

Our over use of the word awesome is starting to get on my own nerves.

I'm Swearing Off Convenience Food

2008-12-03T12:54:00.006-06:00

I must have done something to piss off the powers that be of microwave meals. We all remember the Lean Cuisine debacle. After that I swore off lean cuisines for a while. Then I came across something called Fresh Mixers from Healthy Choice in the grocery store. You cook the noodles in the microwave and then heat up and add your sauce. Sweet. So I bought one and it has been sitting on my desk for a good month.

By the time lunchtime came around today I was elbow deep in homework, er, I mean, expense reports. Yeah, expense reports. I remembered my little convenient microwave meal and thought I'd give it a try. Bonus points for not spending money on lunch and getting the lecture from big daddy about how much money I waste on lunch. For the 738th time.

I go into the kitchen and cook the noodles. Then I looked at the directions again to make sure I was doing the right steps. Here is what the directions say regarding the sauce, verbatim:

Heat sauce, if desired, pull corner of film to vent. Heat for 30 seconds.

Well I'm lazy, so I assumed I didn't have to pull cover to vent, because it said if desired right there on the package. So I threw it in the microwave the way it came and walked over to get a fork. Just then a mini chernobyl happened. The sound was so loud I had to look around to make sure someone from the ghetto hadn't busted his way in and was mowing people down with an AK-47. Then I realized that probably couldn't happen because our security rivals that of fort knox. I figured my sauce had exploded. I opened the microwave to see the carnage.

Sauce.everyfucking.where. So I spent the next 10 minutes cleaning the stupid ass microwave. And when I went to wash my hands after cleaning the microwave, I cut my hand on the bathroom door. Super. Thank God I could salvage enough to put on my now cold noodles. (Sauce, not blood.) They ended up being pretty good but I'm still pissed off and swearing off convenience food all together.

PS - I now know the if desired part was meant for the heat sauce part. Who wants to put cold ass sauce on their noodles. An eskimo, that's who. Because it's so cold where eskimos live, they don't ever get hot food. It's practically frozen by the time it gets from their plate to their mouth anyways. Small suggestion, healthy choice direction writers, maybe you only need to put heat sauce if desired on shipments going to Alaska.

On jobs and burns

2008-12-01T15:43:00.003-06:00

1. So after much deliberation and a small breakout of hives, I decided to turn down the job at the hospital. Once I actually put pen to paper I decided it would be stupid to take that much of a pay cut. I've got bills and shit. And I like to get my hair done, so I guess staying in hell a little while longer is a small price to pay. Plus BD said if I stay at my job he will get me a housekeeper. Score.

2. I'm fucking psychic and it's starting to freak me out. Last week I dreamt every night of people dying and being at funerals. I told bff this past weekend about it and to not be surprised if someone we knows dies. When I came into work this morning there was an email that a co-worker of ours husband died the night after Thanksgiving. He was only 54 and died in his sleep. Freaky. The night my dad died I had a dream that my grandparents were on a plane and they were both sobbing, but I couldn't figure out why. A few hours later I got the call that my dad had died while they were all on vacation together. Ever since then it has freaked me the fuck out when I dream of people dying.

3. I figured out I can't get cell phone reception when I sit on the right side of my couch. The left side is fine. Seriously.

4. Last night BD and BB were playing in the living room while I was in the kitchen. BB is running around like a crazy person because they were eating ice cream. I hear screaming. BB tripped over the dog and fell into our fireplace. He got second degree burns on his arm. It was horrible. Everything I had learned about being a nurse dissappeared and I flew into frantic mom mode. Some of his skin was burned to the glass and BD had to clean it off :( We took him to the ER and got some burn cream and got him bandaged up. He was a trooper. This pic was taken with my cell phone so it's a shitty picture, but you get the point....

On the way to the pedi this morning for his follow up visit:

BB - "Mommy, when we get there are they going to shock me?"

SPM - "Shock you? Whose been shocking you?"

BB - "Every time I go they shocks me in the arm!"

SPM - "Do you mean shot?"

BB - "YES!"

SPM - "No baby, no one is going to give you a shot."

BB to the pediatrician - "Dr. E, my mommy said I don't need a shot today, okay?"

**cue hysterical laughter from the staff**

Open Letter to Seasonique

2008-11-25T14:49:00.004-06:00

Dear Seasonique,

I know it's pretty funny that I am on your birth control to begin with, seeing as how my ovaries ride the short bus. However, the real reason I got on you was for four periods a year. Who the hell wouldn't want only four periods a year?! Sign me the fuck up! So I made an appointment with my lady doctor and told her I needed a prescription. She laughed and said, "Why? You just spent like $15K at the fertility clinic across the hall." "Well yes, but if I can't get pregnant I may as well not have to deal with the bullshit of 12 periods in a year!" So she agreed and wrote me the prescription.

So we have established the fact that I wanted your product for the simple reason of having less periods, right? Then can you please tell me why the fuck I've been bleeding like someone put an icepick through my jugular (if said jugular was in my vagina)? Is this some kind of sick joke Seasonique?! You're a man, aren't you?

And then, to top this mass hemorrhaging off, I finished my last pill four days ago expecting to get my normal period so I can get off your godforsaken drug and guess what? It never came! The bleeding has stopped. Haha, seasonique, haha! Asshat.

Signed,
Nearly Anemic in Texas

So, they offered me the job

2008-11-20T11:29:00.003-06:00

They offered me the job at the hospital. Two drawbacks. One, it is $4 an hour less than I make now. Two, it is for the night shift - 7p to 7a. I would only work three shifts a week, that is considered full time in hospital land. This should be an easy decision for me. Super-bitch has pushed me over the edge this morning and it took all I had to not quit on the spot when the hospital called.

However, I have financial obligations that I need to think about. Can we afford for me to take a cut in pay? I have no idea. I'm having lunch with BD today to discuss it. I don't do well with change, so this is very scary territory for me. I do know one thing. I'm not happy here. Not here so much as here working for that thing next door to me. She texted me yesterday to "make sure I know I'm expected at work tomorrow." Yeah, I'm very well aware of my schedule beast. What.the.fuck? I don't text her and say "hey, just making sure you know you're due in hell in ten years." Duh, it's obvious.

A Tuesday Meme

2008-11-18T09:30:00.004-06:00

I found a meme on Calicobebops page and decided to tag myself. I know, loser. Whatever. It is a small cure for my bloggers block, and gives you guys something to read!

So here are the instructions: Go to your sixth picture folder then pick your sixth picture.Pray that you remember the details. Post it on your blog.

And here is that picture:

It is baby boy two summers ago at my in-laws house. They live on the lake so we spend a lot of weekends up there in the summer. A pool, boat, ,fishing, moms home cooking...what more could you want?! I think we had gotten out the craps table that night to play some family casino. Baby boy got into the chips and I just happened to catch him with the camera when he looked up. Usually anytime he sees a camera he hides his face, so this is a rare picture. He is, by far, the best accomplishment of my life.