Monday, September 14, 2009

Bathroom Conversations Part 17

Ahh the joys of marriage. Where the lines of modesty have long since vanished, and your husband tries to gross you out on purpose just for shits and giggles. Sweet, sweet marriage.

How I long to remember what it was like when I didn't know what my husband did with his balls when he took a shadoobie. The mystery was still there. For all I knew, he tied those long fuckers in a bow and put them on the back of the toilet. But now, NOW, 6 years into marriage, I know what he does. He rests them on the toilet seat like a delicate little package. No pun intended. I long to remember what it was like before I knew he clipped his toenails over the BATH TUB. And how I never knew why we had baby powder...before we even had a baby. Now I know. Sweaty crack. I digress.

Those days are long gone now. Now his idea of foreplay is "hey you wanna bang? It helps me fall asleep."

Back to this morning... A little back story...BD like to take a shit every morning when I'm brushing my teeth. How fucking gross is that?! There are THREE bathrooms in my house and he needs to use the one that I'm in? So, this morning in our bathroom:

Me - "Oh, I guess you came in here to take a shit again, right?!" (I'm not a morning person)
BD - "Are you about to brush your teeth?"
Me - "No, I just did"
BD - "Then no"

Then he grabbed the tweezers and plucked a stray hair off my nipple! WTF has happened to us?!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Let's talk about pet peeves, shall we?

We all have them. Some people just hide it better than others. As I sit here, listening to my co-worker swish his motherfucking tea in his mouth for oh, I don't know, the thousandth fucking time today, I thought I would ask you guys if maybe I was the only one that has a pet peeve. Am I the only one that thinks about an elaborate murder scheme when someone is making mouth noises near me. Mouth noises are my biggest.peeve.ever. I'm actually surprised I was able to marry anyone because it annoys me so bad to eat with people. Mouth noises include gum smackers, loud chewers, slurpers, burpers, and I guess I have to add fucking swishing to that list now. Who swishes their drink? WHO I ASK?!!!

There is a particular offender here at work. He sits right outside my office door. Like seriously two feet from my door. He can be eating a bagel and it sounds like a cow chewing on drywall screws. I honestly don't know how he does it. It's like he was sent here by satan himself to drive me batshit crazy. This is every fucking day. Every day I have to listen to this assface eat his breakfast, snacks and lunch outside my door. Oh, and we musn't forget his afternoon apple! We have a cafeteria ya know!!! Would it kill him to go eat amongst the rest of the humans, away from his computer?

What am I thinking. He has probably been bannned from the cafeteria for his vomit inducing table manners.

Sometimes I really feel like I'm being punk'd. He takes a bite, chews it with his mouth wide open, then takes a drink and swishes it around. Then he repeats that cycle, until my forehead vein is about to rupture. THEN he burps really loud when he's done. Like burping is perfectly normal in an office. Where people with ears work. Maybe that's acceptable in china, but not here buddy! That kind of behavior in the good ol' US of A will get a blog written about you and pretend daggars thrown at the back of your balding head!!

So...what's your pet peeve?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

ER Clinical Part Deux

I had another ER clinical this past weekend. It was MUCH better than the last fiasco. I had one patient that stood out most. And by stood out I mean makes for an awesome story.

A man came in with complaints of a swollen testicle. Guy looked like he was rode hard and put up wet. He had one of those beards that had no beginning and no end and just flowed right on down to mingle in with his chest hair. His wife had on a supermarket shirt and was wearing a hat that said "I fish, therefore I lie". She just kept playing her little pocket solitaire game completely oblivious to what was going on, except at one point she yelled out "elephantitis!" ??? Yeah, they were one of those couples. Anyhow, this is how that conversation went.

Me - "Sir, can you tell me what brough you in today?"
Sir - "Well my testicle began swelling last night and it hurts somethin' awful"
Me - "Why don't you pull your pants down and let us have a look at....OHMYCHRIST! WHAT ATE YOUR DICK?? ...is what I yelled in my head, but managed to keep a completely professional demeanor.

It took me a second to gain my composure and form my next line of questioning. I can't even begin to put into words how big this dudes balls were. Let's put it this way, they were so swollen that his nut sack didn't have any wrinkles on it anymore.

Me - "So, um, sir, has this ever happened before?"
Sir - "Well I had testicular cancer and had the left one removed, but not since then"

Jeezus, that's only ONE BALL??!! And his penis had swelled up to a size that would make Jenna Jameson's vagina cry for mercy.

Ahem.

Me - "Let me go get the doctor, I really think he needs to see this"

Guy ended up having cellulitis of the testicle. We admitted him for some major IV antibiotics. I was for sure they were gonna have to lop that shit right off. I'm secretly falling in love with the ER now.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

And this is why I married him....

I was diagnosed with IBS when I was 12 years old. It is a huge pain in the ass and I always have to be near a bathroom....especially when I'm upset. Being nervous or anxious always triggers it and I have to high tail it to the bathroom. My husband knows this all too well.

Well, today is my final for level III. The last thing standing between me and my last semester. To say I'm nervous about it would be an understatement.

So I'm having lunch with big daddy today, and he can tell I'm freaking out. Then he says this (with a totally straight face):

"I can't imagine the hell your sphincter is going through right now"

And that, my friends, is how I know I've found my soulmate.

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Yeah. The before picture chick is pregnant. Douche nozzle.